tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78977147971533432202024-02-21T03:00:04.817-06:00Heart Wanderings and PonderingsThoughts from the life and heart of a thirty-something.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-61050476510772508362013-04-10T13:43:00.000-05:002013-04-10T13:43:53.456-05:00Isn't it something?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Over the past few days the world has been exposed to a surprising reality; the church is also seeing it's reality shift. No longer can we hide behind the idea that because we are Believers, because we are Christians, we can't and don't suffer from such strangling mental illnesses like depression. I believe the world sees us and thinks we "have it all together" that we're "perfect" or perhaps even immune to the darkness they may feel. And we are perceived this way because we continue to put some of those images forward for all to see. We don't talk about the struggles we face, the depression we feel, the hopelessness that can consume our days. Yes, we have a hope that is greater. A hope of a life that will no longer be subject to the darkness and depression, to the hurt and fear of this world. But that is a future life, a life beyond this one. It is something to look forward to.<div>
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What about right now? Mental illness is not something that only affects those who don't believe in Jesus, it affects us all. Whether you've been a Christian since you were 5 years old, or have only recently come to know him at 80, no one is exempt. The problem is, no one wants to talk about such things. There is such a stigma associated with mental illness, even one as "minor" as depression (Trust me, depression is no minor illness, but I believe most people would describe it as such in comparison to illnesses like Schizophrenia. All are serious, none are minor.) that no one wants to admit they struggle with it. It has been my experience that this is even more true within the Christian church. It is thought that if we have enough faith and trust in God we wouldn't be struggling like we do. Or at least we shouldn't be. I've even heard pastors belittle and degrade psychology from the pulpit. Granted, by itself, psychology can only benefit so much. But I think that's the wrong attitude and approach to someone in need; and yet that approach has so permeated the church that instead of seeking help from those who should love them most, people hide, often not seeking any help at all. It becomes an embarrassment, a shame that they must live with along with the illness. Now, I don't think everyone needs to know all of our business, but there should be someone or even a group of someones who can share in our burdens. Who can walk with us through the struggles, providing counsel, prayer, and support. Someone who can assure us that we are not loved less by God or others simply because we are trying to cope with an illness. <a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/04/what-christians-need-to-know-about-mental-health/" target="_blank">Ann Voskamp</a> likens depression to cancer, they're both illnesses, and both deadly. Why is it we're so ready as a church to cry out for healing, while still encouraging the seeking of necessary medical care, for one but not the other?</div>
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In the wake of the death of a beloved <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/04/06/church-pastor-rick-warrens-son-commits-suicide/2059193/" target="_blank">son</a>, brother, friend, and believer, I have seen more Christians stepping forward and speaking out about their own struggles. The international awareness of this loss has brought a once hidden truth to light. The world is now becoming more awakened to the reality that even Christians suffer, and not just in persecution form. I believe the church is <a href="http://blog.lproof.org/" target="_blank">being called to be more</a>, to be the Church, more so than ever. There are churches who are already acting as the Church, who provide the support and care for those struggling with more than just physical illnesses. Pray that others will follow. We're all being called to put aside the stigmas. To lay down our preconceived notions of what it means for a Christian to have a mental illness. To be the Body.</div>
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Let's be a light to the world following after the Light of the World, exposing the darkness, dispelling the shame, and bringing truth to a world very much in need.</div>
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Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-36752964755846478052013-03-07T13:34:00.001-06:002013-03-07T13:35:58.240-06:00Trust, Pray, Obey<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It's been over a year since my last blog post. I have kept many things to myself, and that which I've chosen to share, I've done so on Facebook or in person. Many things have changed, and yet the important remains the same. I have a new apartment but no roommate. I have a new car, which has granted me more freedom in a place with limited public transportation. I have gone back and forth between jobs, but am now firmly planted at Starbucks (for the time being), while I get all the necessary application bits together for my counseling license. I have committed myself to a church that is doing many great works, continually growing, and clearly God led. I've connected to a small group, trying to find my place socially in a new area.<br />
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It's still hard to believe that it's been over a year since I made the trek to Texas. I remember it like it was yesterday. I still miss those whom I was closest to in Seattle, and at times have to remind myself I can't just call them up to come over. I can call them, but the connection and conversation will have to remain limited to the telephone.<br />
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The one constant through it all has been God. For He is never changing and ever steadfast. I still don't know for what purpose I have been called here, apart from the lessons I've learned in being obedient. The obedience lesson continues even now, only in different areas of my life than my physical location. One thing has been made clear. This time of living on my own in a "foreign land" is meant for my benefit and growth, to be a time of solitude and quiet. And so I continue, striving to know Him more, and remaining available to Him and what He would ask of me. Trusting, praying, and obeying.</div>
Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-72923496525477550622012-01-02T11:43:00.000-06:002012-01-02T12:14:44.408-06:00Going Without KnowingToday's reading from <span style="font-style:italic;">My Utmost For His Highest</span> struck a chord. A truth chord, if you will. Now, I've been ready through <span style="font-style:italic;">My Utmost</span> on a daily basis for the past 5 years, at least. It was a gift from my Aunt Rita on my 21st birthday. Often, as I read Chambers' words, I will pray that what has been written will be made true in my own life. But there are those occasional days when I think he's speaking specifically of my life. God has used this book to speak truth and bring healing to me an a number of occasions over the past 5 years. I can mark those events by the pages in <span style="font-style:italic;">My Utmost</span>. Today's excerpt was one of those times.<br /><br />In my previous post I shared my thoughts on having moved to Dallas recently. How I don't feel so brave, but am willing to accept some notion of courage in making such a transition. That post is the backdrop for Chambers' words that so struck home this morning.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Will you go out without knowing?<br /><br />"He went out, not knowing where he was going" (Hebrews 11:8)<br /><br />Have you ever "gone out" in this way? If so, there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is, "What do you expect to do?" You don't know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don't know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to "go out," building your confidence in God. "...do not worry about your life...nor about the body..." (Luke 12:22). In other words, don't worry about the things that concerned you before you did "go out."<br /><br />Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do -- He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?<br /><br />Believe God is always the God you know him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus. You must learn to "go out" through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God.</span><br /><br />I have gone out without knowing where I was going. Sure, I knew the name of the place and it's location on a map, but I went not knowing the area, not knowing the people, and not knowing what was waiting for me. I'm still going out, not knowing. And I still can't answer the question, "What are you going to do?" My response sounds silly, and sometimes naive, because all I can say is, "I don't know."<br /><br />I ask God nearly every day what He's going to do. I also ask Him what it is that He wants me to do. He wants me to know Him. He wants me to surrender to Him. He wants me to trust Him, not just in Him. That's as much as I know, and for me, that's enough. Not to say they are easy tasks, because they're not. There is still plenty between me and God...plenty of me between me and God. But that is changing the more I "go out."Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-73301352886311559362011-12-28T00:31:00.000-06:002012-01-01T02:30:35.836-06:00New Beginnings"<span style="font-style:italic;">And yet I know artists who medium is life itself, and to express the inexpressible without brush, pencil, chisel, or guitar. They neither paint nor dance. Their medium is Being. Whatever their hand touches has increased life. They see and don't have to draw. They are the artists of being alive.</span>" ~Frederick Frank<br /><br />I've been told I'm brave for making such a huge change, for going where I basically don't know anyone, but I don't feel brave. In fact, despite the knowledge and confidence that this is where God has called me to be; despite the reality that He has guided my every step and opened doors I could not, I sit in wonder. I question the purpose, His purpose. I have learned from experience that it is easier to obey and trust than it is to try to do what He asks on my own terms. But it is also hard to let go of other elements of those experiences. To let go of disappointments and, ultimately, fear. It is a challenge to not give in to fear. These fears are irrational, given God's evidences of them being unfounded. He has yet to let me down. The disappointments I speak of are my own let downs, the failing of my expectations not of God's plans or purposes.<br /><br />For some picking up and moving half-way across the country, to an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people, where they truly know no one, with no notion of what is waiting for them, would be paralyzing. Shoot, the Israelites had to wait 80 years before entering the Promise Land, a place which God Himself told them to possess, because of their fear. Well, I don't know if I'd consider it brave, but I'll take courageous.<br /><br />"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." ~Ambrose Redmoon<br /><br />God's call and direction, His glory are definitely more important than fear. So there are a lot of unknowns, so what? It only took God three days to put everything in place for me to get here. Clearly He has a plan, and His timing is perfect....<span style="font-weight:bold;">always</span>.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-47530838689146118662011-05-11T12:08:00.001-05:002011-05-11T12:10:26.803-05:00InconsiderateTo the woman who yelled at me from her car window that where I was crossing the street was not a crosswalk, I have this to say. Technically, no, there is not a crosswalk at that section of the street. Minus that, when another vehicle is stopped in a lane of traffic, with no blinker, they have clearly paused to courteously allow a pedestrian, who now has the right of way, to cross the street, as it is a crossing point, being at an intersection and all. So don't get so indignant when I give you a shocked look of disbelief as I stop up short because you had not considered slowing down or stopping until you saw me stepping out from in front of another stopped vehicle in the road. Pardon me for taking advantage of a generous & courteous Seattlite, who so graciously stopped to allow myself & another individual cross what is normally a very busy street. It delayed you maybe 5 seconds. That's enough time for another sip of coffee, or two, that you could have taken...or perhaps a chill pill!Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-3888224750378127032011-01-14T23:45:00.000-06:002011-01-15T00:37:17.268-06:00Desperately Seeking Solitude"The soul is like a wild animal - tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy, self-sufficient. It knows how to survive in hard places. But it is also shy. Just like a wild animal, it seeks safety in the dense underbrush. If we want to see a wild animal, we know that the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods yelling for it to come out. But if we will walk quietly into the woods, sit patiently by the base of the tree, and fade into our surrounding, the wild animal we seek might put in an appearance." ~Parker Palmer, <em>A Hidden Wholeness</em><br /><br />I'm reading through the book <em>Sacred Rhythms</em> by Ruth Haley Barton, and before I left for India I read the second chapter in preparation for my next meeting with my Aunt. The chapter is on solitude and creating space for God. I remember little about the chapter, having read it a couple weeks ago, in the midst of getting ready for India and heading back to school. So I came back to the book to re-read the chapter, and that quote was the first thing I read. It hit me - BAM - very unlike the first time I read it.<br /><br />My soul has been in hiding. It's resilient to be sure, because in the midst of this hard, chaotic experience it's still here. I know this with such certainty because two days ago this wild animal cried out in pain and frustration as it needed to roam and have a space to just be. It's a busy schedule we keep, with constant, in-your-face type confrontation of poor and helpless people, in a loud, ceaselessly busy city. There is no quiet space. The sounds of the city and the people come in through all parts of the building. The windows and doors can be closed, yet the sound of honking vehicles and shouting people come through loud and clear. Much more so if you're outside.<br /><br />Where, then, can a person find a place to fade into their surroundings, patiently waiting for the soul to appear? Where can one find a place of silence, quiet, solitude? This is what my soul cried out for two days ago. A quiet place to seek quietness and solitude. A place it could roam free and just be in the presence of God. Fully exposed without fear of being spooked or trampled. I'm only just beginning this journey of seeking solitude, but the recognition of my soul's need for it has been exponentially displayed and experienced on this trip. And I'm finding that there are times I have to create a place for myself. A place of solitude that is not merely external but internal as well. When you don't have a physical, tangible external location that provides a place of quiet solitude you have to get resourceful.<br /><br />How did I manage, you may ask. Well, I'll tell you. Upon a teammate's recommendation I grabbed my earplugs, pillow (wrapped in a blanket), journal, Bible, pen & light, and I went to the rooftop of the building. I found a location out of the way, that was dry and least likely to be disturbed, sat on my blanket covered pillow, put in my earplugs and began to quiet myself. There were still external noises surrounding, but they were significantly muted. However, just by removing the majority of distractions, especially that of other people, and internally quieting my spirit, I was able to find the solitude my soul was so desperately seeking.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-88906382616400048672011-01-09T02:50:00.000-06:002011-01-09T05:00:27.501-06:00India beginningsWhere do I begin? Let's see, the beginning is usually the best place. It's only been two days in Kolkatta and I already feel like I've been gone for a week. But wait, that's not quite the beginning. In the beginning was a jet plane...hah. Ok seriously. We flew out of Seatac at 1:40pm January 6th. Ten long hours, minimal reading, two movies, two meals, and very little sleep later we arrived in Frankfurt, Germany around 8:50am January 7th. Another pass through security, a bit of walking around, and a short wait later and we were on our second plane headed to Kolkatta, India. By this time I've had far too much food, or so it felt like. I knew I needed to eat, but didn't think I could. I've decided that my body does not like long flights. And what airline doesn't have Ginger Ale as an option for a drink?! Apparently, Lufthansa doesn't. I had to buy some at the Frankfurt airport...$3.70! Oi. But, learning experiences, all of it. Including my lot of a middle seat on both flights...not very conducive for sleep, which doesn't help someone with a cold. Oh, my bad...I had not wanted to complain, so I am done now. Anyway, one and a half movies, at least 2 hours sleep, lunch and a snack later we arrived in Kolkata, India, about 12:50am January 8th.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkuXwxD1_biuPigcJn_Of7efBh3avcpCNLUD2dTh8zkIMpfCy4XWLGmkBgkKblOnNWS-78zp374TRgdjMDqJ5alMORF6afCXk039forAUbJZdveLwnOwLdCg-dH2tlcYtzgOBTOhQZZpWA/s1600/100_6185.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkuXwxD1_biuPigcJn_Of7efBh3avcpCNLUD2dTh8zkIMpfCy4XWLGmkBgkKblOnNWS-78zp374TRgdjMDqJ5alMORF6afCXk039forAUbJZdveLwnOwLdCg-dH2tlcYtzgOBTOhQZZpWA/s320/100_6185.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560131497284052898" /></a><br /><br />We were picked up by one of the volunteer coordinators of Calcutta Mercy Ministries, and away we went. <br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmR3mm73q0PKoq_3z-1_BqpjzNOpHyO2BnuFwgF9HNzfcAfb1vBEyzmcIe6DD1yQGOAbtyGy9VVxR211lzWat3K2SWuLRbQnx0hZGrETeqplrFxu4pVWBRpshHLlMiXgQ_0wauxJ0koOzw/s1600/100_6186.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmR3mm73q0PKoq_3z-1_BqpjzNOpHyO2BnuFwgF9HNzfcAfb1vBEyzmcIe6DD1yQGOAbtyGy9VVxR211lzWat3K2SWuLRbQnx0hZGrETeqplrFxu4pVWBRpshHLlMiXgQ_0wauxJ0koOzw/s320/100_6186.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560131850073882946" /></a><br /><br />The drive was maybe 45 minutes, and traffic was very light given the time of night. We received a mini-briefing about meal times and a few housekeeping type items. Of course, one of the first things we did was get our computers connected to the internet.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQNbIMr33E1wnaZhdQN-BoarzqFE3urqnP-QDOY9NqAHFZ9tV6OkGex7LbW1dQOgc3tWja_P6SsRG6MpAxZi3Qd7ql8l5IReqOjaoRkdLLoA1-itV62OvNsKDSHVvcFb9-XmH66GB8TwvG/s1600/laptops.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQNbIMr33E1wnaZhdQN-BoarzqFE3urqnP-QDOY9NqAHFZ9tV6OkGex7LbW1dQOgc3tWja_P6SsRG6MpAxZi3Qd7ql8l5IReqOjaoRkdLLoA1-itV62OvNsKDSHVvcFb9-XmH66GB8TwvG/s320/laptops.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560130600323510530" /></a><br /><br />We made it to bed about 2:30am. Despite exhaustion, and Nyquil, it was somewhat of a fitful night's sleep. It always takes me time to get used to a new bed in a new place.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8xHb7kGu6VrxFXyNfkeckEQ7CQzIoD_Wl0C5ObJ0XeqrKoJ4KfSJXcg0OHTJDM7Le13CR2Nqc1uvUjNl5BSypoHgvneWrydlA7FKpDC8qN1FwI908CFdiwVQ3Ts6QUkKbzj5IlFHPRpB_/s1600/100_6235.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8xHb7kGu6VrxFXyNfkeckEQ7CQzIoD_Wl0C5ObJ0XeqrKoJ4KfSJXcg0OHTJDM7Le13CR2Nqc1uvUjNl5BSypoHgvneWrydlA7FKpDC8qN1FwI908CFdiwVQ3Ts6QUkKbzj5IlFHPRpB_/s320/100_6235.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5560130924890047794" /></a><br /><br />Of course, the barking dogs didn't help make for an easy sleep either. At about 5am came the prayer call. If you've never experienced the Islamic call to prayer, I have to tell you it's definitely an experience. It's beautiful, to be sure, but definitely loud, and it did not help me sleep.<br /><br />As it begins to get light outside, the sounds of the city begin to grow. People are up, working, walking, living. It's very hard to describe the street just outside where we're staying. The way we talk about people living on the streets in the U.S. does not begin to cover how people live here. They quite literally live on the street. Shelters are built out of whatever these poorest of poor can find. It's not just a sidewalk, but it's someone's house or shop, maybe both. There is hardly any space between buildings where there isn't someone living. The poverty is beyond what we know, or could even imagine. They are not all this poor, that's to be sure, but there are more who are poor than not. In fact, at church this morning I learned that 74% of the population lives on 50 cents per day. That's not American cents, that's Rupees. Equated to the U.S. dollar, that's about 2 pennies a day!<br /><br />There is much more to write about from our first day, but I think I ought to attempt my hand at some school work. More to come soon, so stay tuned!Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-11713584933608639112010-12-18T22:04:00.000-06:002017-07-28T19:19:24.617-05:00Submission and HeadshipThrough all the studying and reading on women's roles in the church, trying to figure out where I stand, or believe, on the subject, I missed a very crucial and important point. That no matter what I may believe or where I may stand on a subject means nothing in light of God's call on my life. There will be times that He will call me places I may not want to go, to reach out to people from very different social (even societal) circles. If I give up my rights to the plans I have for my life, to my social circles, and am obedient to God's call I will have life to the fullest.<br />
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The issue of submission is not so controversial as people might think, if they have the right perspective on it. Submission is not subjection, degradation, or completely ignoring my gifts or desires for those of someone else - not as society or even feminists would tell us. It is not a giving up of one's will, but an exercise of will. The most common relationship this is seen in is that of a husband and wife. Dr. Sarah Sumner, author of <em>Men and Women in the Church</em>, puts it like this, "When a wife submits to her husband, she does not give up her will. On the contrary, <em>she exercises her will to be guided by him</em>. That doesn't mean she becomes a child who obeys him. <em>It means, rather, that she conforms her will to his as a means of uniting with him</em>. (emphasis added)" It took me re-reading this book, and that passage, along with discussions with a friend, to realize a very important truth about submission, particularly as described above.<br />
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<strong>This is precisely what we do in our relationship with God!!</strong> Do you see it? When we submit ourselves to God we don't give up our will, but we exercise our will, we CHOOSE to give over our will so that God's will can guide us, so that ultimately we can be united with Him. God's plan for us is always better than our own. This fact always becomes apparent at some point in our Christian walk.<br />
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God is so good, and He doesn't leave this sacrificing of will strictly to wives. Oh no, husbands are called to sacrifice themselves for their wives too. This sacrifice is similar to submitting. Dr. Sumner puts it this way, "Something very similar happens when a husband takes the initiative to sacrifice himself for his wife. <em>He doesn't become henpecked or lose his will to hers; on the contrary, he conforms his will to hers as a means of uniting with her</em>. (emphasis added)" This sacrifice is what headship means. It's not leading as much of the church today would describe it, or as society views it. Instead, it is a means for a husband to lift up his wife as an equal partner, just as her submission lifts him up.<br />
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At it's core, submission is a mutual occurrence, and not one that can be forced on another. God does not force us into submitting to His will, we are responsible for the act of submitting. The relationship between God and the Body is a beautiful example of what a relationship between a husband and wife looks like. If more people would view submission and headship in this manner, in relation to God, perhaps there would be less of a power struggle between men and women, and more lifting each other up.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-74059131010044547382010-11-03T01:34:00.000-05:002010-12-12T16:35:53.066-06:00What do I know?The song below has been popping up in my head at random times through out this week. It so captures how I feel most moments these days. Part of it is the reality that I'm going to India in January, and God has totally paved the way. I feel so blessed, and yet there are times I'm still just waiting for the other shoe to drop. This part of me isn't quite ready to believe that it's real...however, the two large checks I wrote, and the fact that I'm beginning the process for my visa help make it very real. It just feels like this shouldn't be possible. I've not been very faithful in stewarding the resources God has already given me, I've procrastinated like no other with school work, just moved to save money so I can move again in February, and I don't know what else. All of that makes me feel very unworthy of this chance to go on such an amazing, life changing trip. I feel like it was too easy, and that the profs or dean will say, "No, sorry, you're clearly incapable of managing school work with all your normal life events, you can't possibly go on this trip." But that's just it, I feel completely unworthy, and yet God is blessing me in such a huge way. He's granted me the finances to go, and a living situation that will still enable me to save money for another move come Feb even if I go. I am so grateful, which doesn't even begin to cover it. However, this song, What Do I Know of Holy, seems to help express some of that. If you haven't heard it, look it up. The lyrics are awesome, and it's quite a catchy song. Praise God for all His abundant blessings, and from whom all blessings flow!! What do I know? Clearly not much, but He's still ever so gracious and loving.<br /><br /><em>What do I know of Holy - Addison Road</em><br />I made You promises a thousand times<br />I tried to hear from Heaven<br />But I talked the whole time<br />I think I made You too small<br />I never feared You at all No<br />If You touched my face would I know You?<br />Looked into my eyes could I behold You?<br /><br />(CHORUS)<br />What do I know of You<br />Who spoke me into motion?<br />Where have I even stood<br />But the shore along Your ocean?<br />Are You fire? Are You fury?<br />Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?<br />What do I know? What do I know of Holy?<br /><br />I guess I thought that I had figured You out<br />I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about<br />How You were mighty to save<br />Those were only empty words on a page<br />Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be<br />The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees<br /><br />(CHORUS)<br />What do I know of You<br />Who spoke me into motion?<br />Where have I even stood<br />But the shore along Your ocean?<br />Are You fire? Are You fury?<br />Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?<br />What do I know? What do I know of Holy?<br /><br />(CHORUS 2)<br />What do I know of Holy?<br />What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?<br />And a God who gave life "its" name?<br />What do I know of Holy?<br />Of the One who the angels praise?<br />All creation knows Your name<br />On earth and heaven above<br />What do I know of this love?<br /><br />(CHORUS)<br />What do I know of You<br />Who spoke me into motion?<br />Where have I even stood<br />But the shore along Your ocean?<br />Are You fire? Are You fury?<br />Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?<br />What do I know? What do I know of Holy?<br /><br />What do I know of Holy?<br />What do I know of Holy?Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-85628563594638598192010-10-31T23:35:00.000-05:002010-10-31T23:56:31.231-05:00Continued ProcessSince I began this journey to understand the controversy surrounding women in leadership I have not had any significant discussions with people that included looking at scripture and dialoguing...until today. I have been blessed to have one of my new co-workers express interest in hearing my thoughts on the subject, and be willing to sit down and have a meaningful conversation about what the Bible says, and what our church (not The Church, as in the body of believers, but specifically the church we attend) believes, as relates to women's involvement in ministry leadership. First, I have to say just how grateful I am that God brought this person to work, and through that into my life. Not only that, but the fact that he was willing to have a conversation about the subject, allowing me to share what I'm learning, even though I may not fully grasp all aspects of it yet, and not just tell me he thinks I'm wrong. He not once told me, "This is what the church believes, what the pastor teaches, and thus is how it is. End of story." He willingly admitted that he was coming from a place of, "This is what I've learned from the teaching at church, and my personal experiences, so that is the position from which I'm approaching the topic." Yet he was open and willing to learn, just as he was willing to share, teach, and discuss. It was a humbling experience, and very helpful for me to begin to formulate my questions and process my understanding of this controversial topic. There have been others I have mentioned my struggles to, admitting I don't fully understand where I find myself in the debate. But those same people have been unable, or unwilling, to engage in discussion. It seems there are many who don't know a lot about the topic, they only know what they've been taught by their churches (or church in this case, as it is the same church I currently attend). Does no one care to truly question and challenge the teachings of their leaders? Or perhaps it's that church tradition on the topic is so ingrained in us, in society, that it sounds normal and reasonable, therefore why should it be questioned. I feel as though I may be rambling, and it is likely the case. Just getting some thoughts out before I move ahead in my study and begin to focus on the issue of headship.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-86018117025810800112010-09-28T19:34:00.000-05:002010-10-28T02:00:12.421-05:00Women in LeadershipI recognize that there is a great debate occurring involving the role women have in leadership. As far as I can tell there are two main sides to this debate, although a third opinion may emerge. I struggle greatly with the deterministic stance many Christians take on women's involvement in leadership within the church. Specifically, the narrow interpretation of 1 Timothy 2:12. Interestingly enough, this same passage is used by both sides of the argument. I'll confess, I've not decided which side I stand on, or if I'm going to be standing on either dominant side at all. I'm still processing all I know from all I've read, learned and experienced, both first- and second-hand. I frequently bristle when someone adamantly, and staunchly, proclaims their interpretation of 1 Timothy 2:12 to be the only interpretation. However, I don't have a solid answer to the debate, for anyone, much less myself.<br /><br />I ask myself why I bristle so at one interpretation over another. The one answer that always comes to mind is that I don't really like being told what I can or can't do simply because I'm a woman. Of course, it is highly probable that I'm completely misunderstanding one side's interpretation of scripture. But is that the real issue? The better question would be, is that really <em>my</em> issue?<br /><br />I want to know and understand, to make an educated decision on this subject. I want to know that the sense of calling I have will be accepted, encouraged, utilized, and appreciated, no matter my gender. And then it hits....the deeper issue. Do I trust God's ability to call me and ensure fruition of my calling, no matter where I'm at, or the doctrine purported? If I don't the rest is moot.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-56489285121089456552010-07-29T01:26:00.001-05:002010-07-29T02:29:15.879-05:00The Mastermind<div>I've nearly completed my first year of a doctoral program. Ok, it's technically the second if you count all the master's work I did...but whatev. A few more papers and I'm done. Problem is, I'm easily distracted and can't seem to write for the life of me. Well, school related stuff anyway. I have absolutely no problem getting on here and laying my heart out to the world. Or just ramble away. I skimmed through a few of my most recent posts. I've come to realize that I have a lot of emotional baggage. I may be studying to be a psychologist but I'm clearly in need of some professional help. One of the joys of studying this stuff is the ability to self-diagnose....because that's always a healthy thing to do. It's becoming more and more apparent that I have a lot of unresolved self-esteem and relational issues I need to work through. How do I work through them on my own? I'm a verbal processor normally, and often do require feedback of some sort. Mainly to tell me I'm not crazy and it'll all be ok. Someone to give me advice or at least pray with me through it. You know, I'm not normally a complainer, or at least I had never considered myself to be one, but I feel like I have been this past year or so. Especially as I look back on what I've written. One would think that my life is consumed by issues of a teenaged, boy-crazy, girl. That's not me, even if at three decades I sometimes still feel very much like a teenager rather than a grown up. And while I may be much more realistic about relationships, I still have some fantastical ideas of fairy tale stories running through my brain. Dreams and I wishes marred by reality, lies, and false beliefs of who I am and what/whom I'm worthy of. Perhaps I should be more concered with who is worthy of me. Egotistical? Arrogant? Bitchy? So what? If I don't take care to look out for my best interest who will? Yes, yes, God is in control, has the best laid plans for me, etc. But when it comes to decisions that have to be made about who to invest my time and energy into, well, cliche-y as it might be, I rely up on God but then have to make that decision for myself. Do I trust God or not? Do I want the best for my life or do I want what I want. Not that what I want is always bad, it's just that it's usually only merely good. It's certainly not always the best. In this process of doctorhood I've learned, in some capacity, how to do on my own, be alone, push through with as little interaction as possible. It's a lonely place, this doctorate. And yet, when I find myself free to engage in social interaction, free to join the rest of the world and bask in the glorious light of summer, I still find myself alone. None of those whom I've had to abandon are available, at the drop of a hat, to spend time with the hermit. Wait, what? It isn't all about me? You mean, people have lives that they're getting on with whilst I waste away (hardly, how about bulge up) in the confines of a classroom? Oh that's right, I've not heard too much complaining about my not being able to do this or that, so why would I think that those out there would be ready to jump at a chance to spend time hanging out. But you see, there I go complaining again. No, complaining doesn't cover it, self-deprecating, that's it. I feel a great deal of built up anger ready to emerge. Perhaps this could be the avenue I've been seeking to get it all out and let it go. And yet I just learned that catharsis is only so helpful. It's really better to just divert anger into something more constructive, like exercise. Well, we all know how I feel about that....or do we? I'd much rather sit here and type away than get off my ass and do something. Ok, that's not true either. I simply make the choice to, whether I really want to or not is completely moot. Anger and hurt seems to fester here at the moment - "Fester, fester, fester. Rot, rot, rot." - I'm about ready for a breakdown to occur. I want to spend time with people, yet I'm not feeling all that close to anyone in particular. Why do I feel so distant from my friends? It couldn't have anything to do with school, could it? Or is that just a lame excuse I've come up with to push people away, to keep them at a distance so I won't have to get hurt. I'm extremely sensitive it seems. Is it a wonder that with all this going on in my head I can't write school related papers? How is one to focus on academia when the rest of the inner world is so jumbled? </div>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-71472864775988126732010-06-04T02:11:00.000-05:002010-07-29T01:23:37.128-05:00UnnoticedAs I left my friends to drive home I felt this sense of sadness fill my heart. An ache that I've ignored a lot, and am able to overlook frequently, overpowered me as I drove and I felt my eyes brim with tears. I didn't want to face the truth at first, but I finally had to turn off the radio and admit to myself, and God, what I was feeling. The ache causing this sadness was for something I do not yet have. Something that I long for but have yet to attain. A significant relationship, a partnership with someone who gets me, wants to know me, understands what I'm trying to do and supports me. But while I yearn for that deep down, the strongest realization at that moment was the feeling of being unnoticed.<br /><br />It's not like I require a ton of attention, or demand to always be noticed. But at times it feels as if nobody notices me at all. Especially men. I'm not a flamboyant or overly sexy dresser, but I don't always wear sweats/jeans and t-shirts either. I'm not overly loud or quiet, at least I don't think so. Do I really just not stand out? Is there really no one who takes notice of me?<br /><br />Those questions, those thoughts, are the real cause of the ache I felt tonight. True or not, the idea still hurts.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-12212583299861580592009-08-15T03:20:00.000-05:002009-08-15T03:34:28.650-05:00Straight from the moviesSince breaking up with Shane I've been much happier, and have found myself freer to experience life, including dating. I've now been on two dates since the end of my previous relationship. It's been good to get out and meet new people. Well, one new. Tonight's date was with a man I've known for roughly 2 years, but haven't seen in nearly a year. It was an amazing night. Most definitely the most fun I've ever had on a date. He did everything a man is supposed to do on a date. He planned it, and prepared for it, he picked me up, he opened doors (including the truck door), he paid, and best yet, he paid attention. We spent 4 and a half hours together, with nearly constant conversation. And the conversation varied, from funny, to serious, no subject was untouchable. We laughed so much together, happily playing off each other's remarks and quirks. When he brought me home we ended up hugging three times before he walked out the door, the last included a kiss on my cheek. But what happened next was like a scene straight out of a movie. I was in the doorway, watching him walk to his truck, exhorting him to drive home safely, when he stopped and asked how he should get out from where he was, where to go to get back to the freeway. I started to explain, stepping outside so as to not feel like I was yelling. As I was explaining, he was walking towards me, with purpose. Then he was right in front of me, all of a sudden grabbing me and kissing me. Imagine a movie scene where the guy just grabs and kisses the girl. Yea, that's just what it was like. Intense, as though if he didn't kiss me then, he was never going to. When he pulled away he told me he didn't hear a word I'd said, and would figure it out. I could only laugh and say ok. And as we were walking away from each other, I had to admit, he'd made a very smooth move. My knees are still weak, and my head is still spinning. I never thought that kind of thing happened in real life. I guess I was wrong.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-84094174416593968492009-02-06T19:50:00.000-06:002009-02-07T02:51:09.901-06:00Difficult decisionsI like this guy, who is very sweet, and seems to be a good fit for me. We get along, and so far it seems we are able to talk about almost anything. Unfortunately we don't talk about the one thing that is probably the most important thing, and the thing I'm most passionate about....Jesus. I realized recently that we had never talked about anything of faith. I knew he attended church and was active in a community group, but did he have a personal relationship with God? If so why don't we ever talk about it?<br /><br />After getting over the excitement of this being something new with potential, I'm beginning to remember those crucial important list items. Mainly, that I want to be with a man who is passionate about God first and foremost. I want to be able to share with him what God is teaching me, when I need prayer for things, or am struggling with something. I want to be able to have discussions about the Bible and theology. Ministry is a huge part of my life, and I can't truly share that with someone who doesn't understand. Second, I want to be a man who is passionate about me, second to God. I want to be with someone who adores me, who can't wait to talk to me or see me, and can't help but tell me how much he likes & enjoys me.<br /><br />These things I don't get from this guy, and they're two of the most important "wants" on my list. I know what I should do, but it's still hard to do. The prospect of a relationship with someone who is even remotely interested in me has a big draw for me. However, I know I am not willing to settle. I need to speak up, and prepare to move on.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-23854595784487447172008-11-20T17:33:00.000-06:002009-02-07T02:05:17.500-06:00Too Many EmotionsI don't know if there's really such a thing as too many emotions, but that's certainly how I feel right now. Like there're too many emotions flowing through my heart, mind & body. There's some excitement and nervousness at the prospect of a growing friendship. He certainly has been trying to hang out more, despite my inadvertent destroyer like attempts at shooting him down. I don't want to shoot him down, I want to spend time with him and get to know him. I'm trying to be better about compromising so that there is time to give to him. I'm still not sure what I think about him, because I don't know him. I do have a good time, usually, when I'm with him. He's entertaining at least, and I seem to be able to make him laugh. He doesn't mind my sarcastic, witty nature, which is a plus. I'm working really hard to let him take the lead, put forth the effort. If he really wants to spend time with me, get to know me, he'll keep trying. I don't have to constantly try to make something work. I need to be available, as best I can, but be ready to come up with an alternative when the first choice doesn't work. I'm trying to let him pursue me, if that's what he's wanting to do. Lord let me stay so.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-40252331354319924992008-07-13T20:57:00.001-05:002008-07-14T01:59:38.541-05:00The Wall of FeelingI've hit a wall.....or maybe I've let one down, and not at the most opportune moment. I should probably know better than to drink with him, I should definitely know better than to respond to his flirting, however "innocent" it might be. Innocent to whom anyway? He knows what he's doing and yet doesn't want to take responsibility for it? I've come to realize, even through the fog of memory, that he started it in the first damn place. Maybe he thinks it's ok, 'cause we're just friends, he is dating someone after all. Which makes it all the harder for me. I'm beginning to see myself as "the other woman" without any of the benefits of being such, if there are truly benefits to be had in that. I know I'm not viewed in that light, anyway. Why is it that when we're out doing something fun, even with others around, he acts this way? Why is it that he can still get me so riled up, that he can get my blood boiling? How is it that we can frustrate each other so, and yet not be able to do a damn thing about it? How is it that it means nothing? Whoo, I'm appreciated, I'm amazing (so says he), but why do I still feel not good enough? He says it's something to look forward to, this being able to frustrate each other so. What the hell? It's only something to look forward to if it's occurring with someone I'm dating, or married to, not someone who just wants to be friends, who's dating another woman. Why the hell would I look forward to that with him when he's not mine? I've no right to him, no claim on him, and he sure as hell doesn't on me. He didn't say something last night, because it wouldn't have come out right. Fine, I can accept that, I probably didn't really want to hear it anyway, it just would've been more hurtful. I let him hug me good-bye in the car....a side hug of sorts, as I didn't hug him back. He rubbed my arm and told me how thankful he was that I had gone that night, and how it was nice to have someone to hip bump with, at which point a memory comes rushing back of a blog previously written by him from the last time he saw this band. And how, I was the one who would've appreciated it all, but he could only stand to be around in small doses. I couldn't stay there anymore in the car....I had so badly wanted to kiss him up until that point, then all I wanted to do was get away from him and cry. I thought I was past all that. I've been resigned to him dating someone else, and trying to move on. He cares for me, just not in that way. He's thankful for me, and appreciates me, and apparently thinks I'm amazing, not to mention is in some way attracted to me, if he wasn't, I shouldn't be able to cause such a reaction, but it's not enough. It certainly adds to the feeling that I'm not enough, and at the same time, I've been a bit too much where he's concerned, or at least been made to feel that way. I thought I was past it, but I was wrong.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-36374735024231267792008-05-27T00:02:00.000-05:002008-05-27T02:02:12.823-05:00FreedomI've now been asked for my phone number by two guys since getting involved with BSF. It's kind of exciting. Now, the only problem is whether or not they'll actually call me. The first hasn't so far, but we'll see what happens. The other suggested we should go get coffee sometime. I'm hoping he calls, but trying not be overly hopeful at the same time.<br /><br />Part of the reason this is so exciting is, of course, because it's something of a boost for my self-esteem. Secondly, I'm actually excited about the prospect of getting to know other guys. The freedom has come in being able to get excited, even anticipatory, of new men being a part of my life, of being able to like someone else. Things are moving forward, and I'm moving on. Some things are still hard at times, but I've realized that I need to start spending time with other people. Otherwise, my heart can't heal, and I won't be able to have a normal relationship with someone who wants to be with me.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-33040259219677128622008-03-11T15:35:00.000-05:002008-03-17T00:34:18.679-05:00Eve (part 3)<div align="left">*All quotes from Captivating unless otherwise specified.</div><div align="left"> </div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">*I had to break this chapter into 3 parts, it was just way too long. Now, without further ado, the final installment on Eve.<br /><br /><br /></div><div align="center">Beauty to Unveil<br /><br /></div><div align="left">"Beauty is essential to God. No--that's not putting it strongly enough. Beauty is the essence of God." (pg. 34)</div><div align="left"> </div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">"Nature is not primarily functional. It is primarily beautiful." (pg. 34)</div><br /><div align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;">When you look at everything around you, in particular nature, what's your first response to it, your first thought? Do you see the beauty in it? Because that's what it is. The sky, in it's various stages and colors. The mountains or the ocean as the sun is setting and rising. The flowers in the field, the birds and their songs. All of it, beautiful. Yes, nature has a functional purpose, but that's <em>not</em> the primary reason for it's creation. All was created to show the glory of God. Therefore, it's beauty is the primary purpose. And this in itself shows us that the very essence of God is <em>beauty</em>.</span> </div><div align="left"><br /></div><br /><div align="left">"Beauty is the essence of a woman. We want to be perfectly clear that we mean <em>both</em> a physical beauty and a soulful/spiritual beauty. The one depends upon and flows out of the other. Yes, the world cheapens and prostitutes beauty, making it all about a perfect figure few women can attain. But Christians minimize it too, or overspiritualize it, making it all about 'character.' We must recover the prize of Beauty. The church must take it back. Beauty is too vital to lose. God gave Eve a beautiful form <em>and</em> a beautiful spirit. She expresses beauty in both. Better, she expresses beauty simply in who she is. Like God, it is her <em>essence</em>." (pg. 36)</div><div align="left"></div><br /><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;">Too often we look to the outward to determine beauty. When describing one person to another, in particular someone whom may not be "beautiful" by society's standards, we say they have a great personality or something of the like. There's a scene from the movie <em>When Harry Met Sally</em> that gives a perfect example of this. When Harry is trying to set up his best guy friend with Sally, and Sally's trying to set up her best girlfriend with Harry, there's a scene where Harry & Jess are talking about Sally. It comes down to Jess believing that, because Harry says Sally's attractive, and has a great personality, she's not beautiful. It's an interesting conversation, for those who haven't seen the movie, watch it. You'll get it.</span> </div><div align="left"><br /></div><p><span style="font-family:arial;">But beauty is essential for women, it's essential <em>to</em> women. All women want to be viewed as beautiful, inside and out. There are some women who, despite all their outward beauty, have such ugly hearts that their outward appearance doesn't even matter anymore. While there are women who aboslutely radiate beauty because of the beauty in their hearts. They say beauty is skin deep. That's society's idea of beauty, not God's. To God, beauty goes much deeper. Beauty is <em>soul</em> deep.</span></p><p><br />"Beauty is powerful. It may be the most powerful thing on earth. It is dangerous. Because it <em>matters</em>. Let us try and explain why. </p><p><br /></p><p>"[B]eauty <em>speaks</em>.....beauty says, <em>All shall be well</em>. And this is what it's like to be with a woman at rest, a woman comfortable in her feminine beauty. She is enjoyable to be with. She is lovely. In her presence your heart stops holding it's breath. You relax and believe once again that all will be well. And this is also why a woman who is striving is so disturbing, for a woman who is not at rest in her heart says to the world, 'All is not well. Things are not going to turn out all right.'...We need what Beauty speaks. What it says is hard to put into words. But part of its message is that all is well. All will be well. </p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family:arial;">Which woman do you find yourself to be most often? Are you at rest? What is your beauty speaking to those around you? </span></p><p><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span><br />"Beauty also <em>invites</em>. Recall what it is like to hear a truly beautiful piece of music. It captures you; you want to sit down and just drink it in....(This is not visual, showing us that beauty is deeper than looks.)Music like this commands your attention, invites you to come more deeply into it....We describe a great book as 'captivating.' It draws you in, holds your attention. You can't wait to get back to it, spend time with it. All of the responses that God wants of us. All of the responses a woman wants too. Beauty invites. </p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family:arial;">I know that I want to be that woman that someone can't wait to get back to, can't wait to spend time with. I also want to respond to God this way. I've learned that the more time I take in being intentional about pursuing God, the greater the desire to go back to Him. The greater the desire to spend time with Him, where I can't wait for that time to come in my day where I get to just sit at His feet, soaking in His love and His truth through His Word. </span></p><span style="font-family:arial;"><p><br /></span><br />"Beauty <em>nourishes</em>....a woman's body is one of the most beautiful of all God's creations....It nourishes, offers life. </p><p><br /></p><p></p><p>"Beauty <em>comforts</em>.There is something profoundly healing about it. Have you ever wondered why we send flowers to the bereaved? In the midst of their suffering and loss, only a gift of beauty says enough, or says it right....Beauty comforts. It soothes the soul. </p><p><br /></p><p></p><p>"Beauty <em>inspires</em>....[A]s Jack Nicholson says to Helen Hunt at the end of <em>As Good As It Gets</em>, 'You make me want to be a better man.' Isn't it true? Think of what it might have been like to have been in the presence of a woman like Mother Teresa. Her life was so beautiful, and it called us to something higher....Beauty inspires. </p><p><br /></p><p></p><p>"Beauty is <em>transcendent</em>.....Beauty draws us to God....All these things are true for any experience of Beauty. But they are <em>especially</em> true when we experience the beauty of a woman--her eyes, her form, her voice, her heart, her spirit, her life. She speaks all of this far more profoundly than anything else in all creation, because she is <em>incarnate</em>; she is personal." (pp.37-40) </p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family:arial;">While flowers, mountains and oceans may be scenic and beautiful, <em>nothing</em> speaks of beauty the way a woman does. When you encounter the beauty of a woman, all else fades into the background. Such as it is with God. When you experience Him, when you experience His beauty, everything else is dim in comparison. Nothing else matters.</span> </p><p><br /><br />"Beauty is, without question, the most <em>essential</em> and the most <em>misunderstood</em> of all of God's qualities--of all feminine qualities too....A woman knows, down in her soul, that she longs to bring beauty to the world. She might be mistaken on how (something every woman struggles with), but she longs for a beauty to unveil. This is not just culture, or the need to 'get a man.' This is in her heart, part of her design." (pp. 40-41) </p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family:arial;">Show me a woman who doesn't desire to be beautiful, to even hear that she is beautiful, and I'll show you a woman so hurt by this world that she's lying to herself as much as to others.</span> </p><p><br /><br />"One of the deepest ways a woman bears the image of God is in her mystery. By 'mystery' we don't mean 'forever beyond our knowing,' but 'something to be explored.' (Prov. 25:2)....God yearns to be known. But he wants to be <em>sought after</em> by those who would know him....(Jer.29:13). There is dignity here; God does not throw himself at any passerby. He is no harlot. If you would know him you must love him; you must seek him with your whole heart. This is crucial to any woman's soul, not to mention her sexuality. 'You cannot simply have me. You must seek me, pursue me. I won't let you in unless I know you love me.'" (pg. 41) </p><p><br /></p><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><p><span style="font-family:arial;">And yet, how often do we women ignore that desire to be sought after and simply throw ourselves at men in our lives? We recklessly give our hearts to those who would show interest in us, instead of guarding it until they prove to be truly worthy of being let in. Not to say that men aren't worthy, but not all men should be granted access to the deepest recesses of our hearts. That ought to be reserved for God first, and only then to the man who would pursue it for honorable, pure, and loving reasons. The same goes for our bodies.</span></p><p><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></p><div align="left">"Just like God, a woman is not a problem to be solved, but a vast wonder to be enjoyed. This is so true of her sexuality. Few women can or even want to 'just do it.' Foreplay is crucial to her heart, the whispering and loving and exploring of one another that culminates in intercourse. That is a picture of what it means to love her <em>soul</em>. She yearns to be known and that takes time and intimacy. It requires an unveiling. As she is sought after, she reveals more of her beauty. As she unveils her beauty, she draws us to know her more deeply." (pp 41-42) </div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">"Whatever else it means to be feminine, it is depth and mystery and complexity, with beauty as its very essence. Now, lest despair set in, let us say as clearly as we can:</div><div align="left"></div><br /><div align="center"><br />Every woman has a beauty to unveil.<br />Every woman.<br /></div><p></p><p><br /></p><div align="left">Because she bears the image of God. She doesn't have to conjure it, go get it from a salon, have plastic surgery or breast implants. No, beauty is an <em>essence</em> that is given to every woman at her creation." (pg. 42) </div><div align="left"><br /></div><p><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Do you women hear that? You don't have to go "get" beauty, it's been give you already. God gave you beauty the day you were created! <strong>Every woman</strong>! </span></p><p><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span><br /></p><div align="left">"...it is <em>God</em> who longs for Romance; it is <em>God</em> who longs to be our <em>ezer</em>; it is <em>God</em> who reveals beauty as essential to life. You are the image bearer of this God. That is why you long for those things too. There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs." (pg. 42)</div><div align="left"> </div><div align="left"> </div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;">The desire for romance, to be beautiful, is not silly, nor wrong. It's built in to who you are and whose image you represent! You are beautiful, and you are desperately needed!</span></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;">*The following was originally in here earlier, but I didn't feel it fit quite as well with where I was going. So, I've sort of added it as a side note. A little lesson for us all.</span></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></div><br /><div align="left"></div><div align="left">"...Adam is captured best in motion, doing something. His essence is strength in action. That is what he speaks to the world. He bears the image of God, who is a warrior. On behalf of God, Adam says, 'God will come through. God is on the move.' That is why a passive man is so disturbing. His passivity defies his very essence. It violates the way he bears God's image. A passive man says, 'God will not come through. He is not acting on your behalf.'" (pp. 36-37)</div><div align="left"> </div><div align="left"> </div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:arial;">It's sad, really, that we are seeing a greater amount of passivity in men these days. Society and culture, even Christian culture at times, do not encourage men to be warriors. Their strength is being sapped away by the need for women to be more than they were created to be. This is not to say that women can't be strong, or warriors in their own right, but when it comes at the cost of emasculating our men, something's not right.</span></div>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-30892884277514638302008-03-04T17:01:00.000-06:002008-03-06T18:56:39.654-06:00OverwhelmedI was sitting in a leader's training meeting after the church service on Sunday, and as I sat there, I was overwhelmed with the desire to cry. I can't fully explain it. I think it might've been a conglomeration of things that occurred that day. I'd been feeling pretty anxious about my financial situation, which was grim to say the least, and with my parents' 30th anniversary coming up, I was desperately wanting to do something. However, my circumstances weren't even going to allow me to go down to their place to visit, much less contribute to a gift, or dinner or something. Then, I was told that some support had come in to the church for me. My heart did a happy dance, because now I'd be able to do <em>something</em>, even if it wasn't much.<br /><br />After the service, I was working on trying to get the sermon recording cleaned up and ready to put on the website. At the same time, trying to answer questions for multiple people, including those who wanted copies of the sermon, and previous sermons as well. I finally got all that taken care of just as this leader's meeting was getting ready to start. I hadn't really eaten lunch, but instead, ate one of those chocolate chocolate chip muffins from Costco that I'd brought with me. Healthy, I know.<br /><br />So, I'm sitting next to the pastor's wife, while her husband was chilling on the floor, keeping an eye on their son. It was when the pastor moved up to the chair to sit next to his wife, and put his arm around her, that I became so overwhelmed with the desire to start crying.<br /><br />I was overcome with thankfulness for how God had provided for me, but along with that was this deep sense of longing and desire for that which I'm still waiting on Him to provide. A husband. The sermon that morning had been on brokenness. I definitely feel broken, in multiple areas of my life. Finances and relationships being two of them. I learned a lot about what it means to be broken, and how I ought to handle these times of my life.<br /><br />Waiting in anticipation of what God will teach me next.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-68328587369947467502008-02-29T18:24:00.000-06:002008-03-07T11:31:00.525-06:00More Thoughts on OswaldFrom <u>My Utmost For His Highest</u> Feb. 22<br /><br /><em>"Be still, and know that I am God..." (Psalm 46:10)<br /></em><br />"Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling. Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for -- love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men -- will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.<br /><br />"If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, 'because you have kept My command to persevere...' (Revelation 3:10).<br /><br />"Continue to persevere spiritually."<br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">When I first wrote thoughts on this, it was the issue of our hopes and dreams that I wrote about. Honestly, when I first read it, that wasn't what stuck out to me, but at the time I began writing, it was as if there was something else I needed to say. Anway, originally, it was the concept of perseverance that originally caught my attention, since it is the main topic. I believe God's taught me a lot about perseverance, especially during the 3 years I raised support. Of course, He also taught me a lot about endurance. The two do seem to go hand in hand.<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">However, as Oswald describes perseverance, I smack my head. "I could've had a V-8!" Kidding. Anyway, all of a sudden, things make a little more sense. I've always had this sense of exactly what he says perseverance isn't. I always thought of it as hanging on by the skin of my teeth, barely getting through, but getting through. There's a much stronger element of faith involved in persevering. Faith that God <em>will</em> win, <em>will</em> come through, and in such amazing ways as we could ever hope. Faith that, despite moments, or even years, of silence, God <em>will </em>answer, and speak to us. As we are obedient to Him, to the truths we believe, to the path we're called to (even when it feels like it goes on without change), He is continuing to work through us and in us. Persevering is continuing to pursue Him and His will, even when it seems like there are no answers, because we hold on to faith in His abilities, power, strength, and love.</span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-41717705706448659332008-02-26T16:05:00.000-06:002008-02-26T16:06:32.654-06:00Eve (part 2)*Again, all quotes are from Captivating unless otherwise specified.<br /><br /><br /><br /><div align="center"><span style="font-family:georgia;">"An Adventure to Share"</span></div><div align="center"><br /></div><span style="font-family:georgia;">"Call it the Human Mission--to be all and do all God sent us here to do. And notice--the mission to be fruitful and conquer and hold sway is given <em>both</em> to Adam <em>and</em> to Eve. 'And God said to <em>them</em>...' Eve is standing right there when God give the world over to us." (pg. 31)<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">We women have just as much of a role to play in the story as Adam did. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently. Men are not to dominate all, including us, we are to do things together. We are to share the adventure God gave us. I believe this is the reason why so many people long to find a significant other. We long to share our lives with someone else. To partake in an adventure together, to share in life's ups and downs, to laugh and cry with, to experience joys and pains with.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">"When God creates Eve, he calls her an <em>ezer kenegdo</em>.....Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is 'notoriously difficult to translate.'....Alter is getting close when he translates it 'sustainer beside him.' The word <em>ezer</em> is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you <em>desperately</em>." (pg. 31; references Deut. 33:26,29; Ps. 121:1-2; Ps. 20:1-2; Ps. 33:20; Ps. 115:9-11, note the words <em>help</em> or <em>helper</em>)<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Note that only Eve & God are described with the word <em>ezer</em>. That's pretty significant. Women were created to fulfill a desperately needed role. Look at the phrase "sustainer beside him." <em>Sustainer</em>, one who sustains. (Here's a link for the various definitions of the word sustain. </span><a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Sustainer"><span style="font-family:arial;">http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Sustainer</span></a><span style="font-family:arial;">) There are many definitions, all of which work extremely well with the second half of the phrase, <em>beside him</em>. Meaning, next to him, not under him, not over, but beside. Quite literally, a helper, but in a greatly significant way. Eve was created to help provide for Adam, to encourage him, but also to withstand with him. Think about it, to withstand, to bear up under. Eve was created to bear up under hardships with Adam. Neither is meant to go it alone.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">"Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your <em>ezer</em>. If he is not there beside you...you are dead. A better translation therefore of <em>ezer</em> would be 'lifesaver.' <em>Kenegdo</em> means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart. You see, the life God calls us to is not a safe life....God calls us to a life involving frequent risks and many dangers. Why else would we need him to be our <em>ezer</em>? You don't need a lifesaver if your mission is to be a couch potato. You need an <em>ezer</em> when your life is in constant danger." (pg. 32)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Those living their lives in pursuit of God's will know just how dangerous life can be. We are called to live dangerously, not to sit idly letting life pass us by. Therefore, we need a "lifesaver counterpart." Ultimately that is God. Only He can save us from the dangers we face, for they are not always physical dangers, but spiritual ones.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">"That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure--that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him--desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place." (pg. 33)</span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-42353790563014869342008-02-26T00:20:00.000-06:002008-02-26T16:01:09.535-06:00Thoughts On Oswald ChambersThe following is Feb. 22nd's entry in <em>My Utmost For His Highest</em>.<br /><br /><em>"Be still, and know that I am God..." (Psalm 46:10)</em><br /><br />"Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling. Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for -- love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men -- will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.<br /><br />"<strong>If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God.</strong> He brings fulfillment, 'because you have kept My command to persevere...' (Revelation 3:10).<br /><br />"Continue to persevere spiritually." (emphasis mine)<br /><br />This would be the second time in a week that that verse from Psalm has come up. Two very different situations, and even somewhat different applications. Yet the message remains the same. It's two fold. <em>Be still</em> and <em>know that I am God</em>. "Be still," to me, says to be quiet. To stop going, stop talking, stop moving, even stop thinking so much, and simply <em>listen</em>. It's good to talk to God, ask for His help, share with Him that which I desire, but it's just as important to stop and actually listen for His answers. Crucial even.<br /><br />"Know that I am God." Ok, He's God. What does it mean to know that? I don't think in the typical way that we know something intellectually, but more in the sense that we are to trust in who He is. Trust in His power, His knowledge, His presence. For He is omnipotent (<em>all</em> powerful), omniscient (<em>all</em> knowing), and omnipresent (<em>all/ever</em> present). We are to trust that He is far more capable of handling the problems in our lives than we are, given we bring them before Him. We are to entrust our hurts, cares, worries, and joys to Him, and simply let them be.<br /><br />Our hopes, too, are to be entrusted to Him. And as Oswald so perfectly puts it, "But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God." Waiting is always the hardest part (I do believe there's a song for that statement, and it's running through my head). Reality is, we want our hopes, our dreams, to be a reality, but we want them to be instantaneously met, no waiting. Yet, it is that waiting that purifies them, forms them more into God's will, instead of them simply being our own. God works on us during that time of waiting, often to bring us into alignment with Him, and to bring our hopes into alignment with His plan for us. The hope doesn't change, but is, instead, perfected, and thus creates more joy than if it had been granted as it was, without His purifying work.<br /><br />And such as feels to be my life at the moment. I find myself in a place of disappointed hopes. However, I can see that they are merely being purified and perfected to God's will, His good, pleasing and perfect will.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-27600874173222634092008-02-22T21:43:00.000-06:002008-02-22T22:10:21.272-06:00Ventings and RamblingsI've been trying not to think about it, but I do miss him. I sent him a message the other day, and was browsing through some of his pictures, when the thought crossed my mind, "I miss his face." Yea, I miss seeing his face. I could stare at those pictures for hours. I knew it wouldn't be easy, even if it's only for a short time. But, I'm not really supposed to think about that. We're just friends, and dwelling too long leads me down a path of depression and potential destruction. Not to mention, fantasizing about all the possiblities of him returning, again, and us being more than friends. Yea, that'll happen. It didn't happen last time, and it most certainly is not happening this time. Especially since he's going to visit someone he can't wait to spend in person, one-on-one time with. That person so not being me. My heart still breaks when I think about it. And part of me just wants to slap him, because he's doing the same damn thing I am, only with someone else. Wishing and hoping for something more than what there is. Granted, he is trying to be the pursuer, but at the same time is being rebuffed for his efforts, which makes my heart break for him, as much as it still hurts me. I don't want to see him hurt, and I want him to be happy. Actually, there's a lot I want for him. I want, for him, all the things he wants for himself, and all the things God has planned for him. He has such potential, and he doesn't even know the half of it. He doesn't utilize a fraction of it. I'm so proud of all the things he's done, and continues to learn and do, of the aspirations he has for himself, and the desire to pursue whatever path God has for him. I honestly need to spend more time in prayer for him, for the things God has planned for him, than what I have been. Because, though I've been saying I pray for him, really, I'm praying for myself, and that which I want God to do in regards to the relationship he and I <em>do</em> have.<br /><br />As I ramble on here, so not going in the direction I originally thought, I realize that I've been avoiding the one thing I truly need. Specific, intentional, pursuit of Jesus. I don't want to be alone tonight, because I'm afraid of what God will reveal to me. My selfish nature would much rather spend time with other people, NOT in God's Word or presence. Or spend time watching tv, and surfing the web. Reading things I don't need to read, or that can wait to be read. At the same time, sitting, hoping he'll log in and I can chat with him. We're back to that again. I thought I was done with that, but it seems I will never be fully done with him. He's here to stay, in whatever capacity that is to be. But, he needs to be bumped down a slot or two on the priority scale, that's for certain.<br /><br />Ok, time to stop avoiding what I know needs to be done. Time to do that which I should <em>want</em> to be doing. Getting a lot of good time in with my Love and my Friend before heading off to bed.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7897714797153343220.post-29305863001474295582008-02-15T16:59:00.001-06:002008-02-18T00:00:33.845-06:00Hope"If it were not for hope, the heart would break." ~ Thomas Fuller<br /><br /><u>Waiting for You</u> ~Matthew West<br /><br />The sun waits to set,<br />in case the moon should forget<br />that it's her turn to shine<br />And springtime waits to bloom<br />til old man winter's through being so unkind.<br />And I've watched my share of seasons come and go,<br />just praying for this chance to let you know:<br /><br />I've been waiting for you for all this time--<br />And hoping you'd wait for me.<br />And the lesson I've learned is love always returns when it's true.<br />And I'm so glad I waited for you.<br /><br />They say good things come to those who wait,<br />you're my living proof the way you came to me.<br />You offered me your heart and soul<br />took this half and made me whole<br />and finally I know the reason why<br /><br />I've been waiting for you for all this time--<br />I've been hoping you'd wait for me.<br />And the lesson I've learned is love always returns when it's true.<br />And I'm so glad I've waited for you.<br /><br />So let's share this life together<br />falling deeper everyday<br />till we're standing up in heaven and we hear the good Lord say:<br /><br />I've been waiting for you for all this time--<br />I've been hoping you'd wait for me.<br />And the lesson I've learned is love always returns when it's true.<br />And I'm so glad I've waited for you.<br /><br />For all this timeI've been hoping you'd wait for me.<br />And the lesson I've learned is love always returns when it's true.<br />And I'm so glad I've waited for you.<br /><br />The following is the story that this song is based upon. You can find it, and the song, at <a href="http://www.klove.com/">http://www.klove.com/</a>.<br /><br />"My husband (Daniel) and I were neighbors growing up. We were the three musketeers, Michael (my brother), Daniel and me!<br /><br />Daniel was in love with me from the start! His mother remembers him coming home from Elementary School (2nd grade) and telling her he was going to marry me! I wasn't attracted to him in that way. He was my best friend!! He was always there for me through everything! Even through the hurt of seeing me with other boyfriends or seeing my heartache after breakups, he never once made me feel bad about not choosing him or telling me I wouldn't be hurting if I were with him! He gave me space as he patiently waited for me!!<br /><br />Finally after being patient for many years, we started dating in High School! He gave me a ring and proposed to me when he was 17! We had never been with anyone and promised to save ourselves for each other!! We went through Elementary, Junior High, High School and College together.<br /><br />After we graduated from college, we married! We have been married for almost 6 years and we have a son who will be 2 in March! My husband is still there for me through everything and is a wonderful father! He works hard to make sure that me and our son are safe and secure!<br /><br />God has been good to us!!! How wonderful it is to share your past, present and future with your best friend!!!<br /><br />God bless,<br />Laura"<br /><br />This story, along with the quote, enables me to hang on to a small thread of hope for my future. Either way, I've learned that not only is hope a good thing, but friendship isn't without it's benefits and charms. As a good friend reminded me today, I can't limit God.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13856028734154244934noreply@blogger.com0