Isn't it something?

Over the past few days the world has been exposed to a surprising reality; the church is also seeing it's reality shift. No longer can we hide behind the idea that because we are Believers, because we are Christians, we can't and don't suffer from such strangling mental illnesses like depression. I believe the world sees us and thinks we "have it all together" that we're "perfect" or perhaps even immune to the darkness they may feel. And we are perceived this way because we continue to put some of those images forward for all to see. We don't talk about the struggles we face, the depression we feel, the hopelessness that can consume our days. Yes, we have a hope that is greater. A hope of a life that will no longer be subject to the darkness and depression, to the hurt and fear of this world. But that is a future life, a life beyond this one. It is something to look forward to.

What about right now? Mental illness is not something that only affects those who don't believe in Jesus, it affects us all. Whether you've been a Christian since you were 5 years old, or have only recently come to know him at 80, no one is exempt. The problem is, no one wants to talk about such things. There is such a stigma associated with mental illness, even one as "minor" as depression (Trust me, depression is no minor illness, but I believe most people would describe it as such in comparison to illnesses like Schizophrenia. All are serious, none are minor.) that no one wants to admit they struggle with it. It has been my experience that this is even more true within the Christian church. It is thought that if we have enough faith and trust in God we wouldn't be struggling like we do. Or at least we shouldn't be. I've even heard pastors belittle and degrade psychology from the pulpit. Granted, by itself, psychology can only benefit so much. But I think that's the wrong attitude and approach to someone in need; and yet that approach has so permeated the church that instead of seeking help from those who should love them most, people hide, often not seeking any help at all. It becomes an embarrassment, a shame that they must live with along with the illness. Now, I don't think everyone needs to know all of our business, but there should be someone or even a group of someones who can share in our burdens. Who can walk with us through the struggles, providing counsel, prayer, and support. Someone who can assure us that we are not loved less by God or others simply because we are trying to cope with an illness. Ann Voskamp likens depression to cancer, they're both illnesses, and both deadly. Why is it we're so ready as a church to cry out for healing, while still encouraging the seeking of necessary medical care, for one but not the other?

In the wake of the death of a beloved son, brother, friend, and believer, I have seen more Christians stepping forward and speaking out about their own struggles. The international awareness of this loss has brought a once hidden truth to light. The world is now becoming more awakened to the reality that even Christians suffer, and not just in persecution form. I believe the church is being called to be more, to be the Church, more so than ever. There are churches who are already acting as the Church, who provide the support and care for those struggling with more than just physical illnesses. Pray that others will follow. We're all being called to put aside the stigmas. To lay down our preconceived notions of what it means for a Christian to have a mental illness. To be the Body.

Let's be a light to the world following after the Light of the World, exposing the darkness, dispelling the shame, and bringing truth to a world very much in need.

Trust, Pray, Obey

It's been over a year since my last blog post. I have kept many things to myself, and that which I've chosen to share, I've done so on Facebook or in person. Many things have changed, and yet the important remains the same. I have a new apartment but no roommate. I have a new car, which has granted me more freedom in a place with limited public transportation. I have gone back and forth between jobs, but am now firmly planted at Starbucks (for the time being), while I get all the necessary application bits together for my counseling license. I have committed myself to a church that is doing many great works, continually growing, and clearly God led. I've connected to a small group, trying to find my place socially in a new area.

It's still hard to believe that it's been over a year since I made the trek to Texas. I remember it like it was yesterday. I still miss those whom I was closest to in Seattle, and at times have to remind myself I can't just call them up to come over. I can call them, but the connection and conversation will have to remain limited to the telephone.

The one constant through it all has been God. For He is never changing and ever steadfast. I still don't know for what purpose I have been called here, apart from the lessons I've learned in being obedient. The obedience lesson continues even now, only in different areas of my life than my physical location. One thing has been made clear. This time of living on my own in a "foreign land" is meant for my benefit and growth, to be a time of solitude and quiet. And so I continue, striving to know Him more, and remaining available to Him and what He would ask of me. Trusting, praying, and obeying.

Going Without Knowing

Today's reading from My Utmost For His Highest struck a chord. A truth chord, if you will. Now, I've been ready through My Utmost on a daily basis for the past 5 years, at least. It was a gift from my Aunt Rita on my 21st birthday. Often, as I read Chambers' words, I will pray that what has been written will be made true in my own life. But there are those occasional days when I think he's speaking specifically of my life. God has used this book to speak truth and bring healing to me an a number of occasions over the past 5 years. I can mark those events by the pages in My Utmost. Today's excerpt was one of those times.

In my previous post I shared my thoughts on having moved to Dallas recently. How I don't feel so brave, but am willing to accept some notion of courage in making such a transition. That post is the backdrop for Chambers' words that so struck home this morning.

Will you go out without knowing?

"He went out, not knowing where he was going" (Hebrews 11:8)

Have you ever "gone out" in this way? If so, there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is, "What do you expect to do?" You don't know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don't know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to "go out," building your confidence in God. "...do not worry about your life...nor about the body..." (Luke 12:22). In other words, don't worry about the things that concerned you before you did "go out."

Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do -- He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?

Believe God is always the God you know him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus. You must learn to "go out" through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God.

I have gone out without knowing where I was going. Sure, I knew the name of the place and it's location on a map, but I went not knowing the area, not knowing the people, and not knowing what was waiting for me. I'm still going out, not knowing. And I still can't answer the question, "What are you going to do?" My response sounds silly, and sometimes naive, because all I can say is, "I don't know."

I ask God nearly every day what He's going to do. I also ask Him what it is that He wants me to do. He wants me to know Him. He wants me to surrender to Him. He wants me to trust Him, not just in Him. That's as much as I know, and for me, that's enough. Not to say they are easy tasks, because they're not. There is still plenty between me and God...plenty of me between me and God. But that is changing the more I "go out."

New Beginnings

"And yet I know artists who medium is life itself, and to express the inexpressible without brush, pencil, chisel, or guitar. They neither paint nor dance. Their medium is Being. Whatever their hand touches has increased life. They see and don't have to draw. They are the artists of being alive." ~Frederick Frank

I've been told I'm brave for making such a huge change, for going where I basically don't know anyone, but I don't feel brave. In fact, despite the knowledge and confidence that this is where God has called me to be; despite the reality that He has guided my every step and opened doors I could not, I sit in wonder. I question the purpose, His purpose. I have learned from experience that it is easier to obey and trust than it is to try to do what He asks on my own terms. But it is also hard to let go of other elements of those experiences. To let go of disappointments and, ultimately, fear. It is a challenge to not give in to fear. These fears are irrational, given God's evidences of them being unfounded. He has yet to let me down. The disappointments I speak of are my own let downs, the failing of my expectations not of God's plans or purposes.

For some picking up and moving half-way across the country, to an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people, where they truly know no one, with no notion of what is waiting for them, would be paralyzing. Shoot, the Israelites had to wait 80 years before entering the Promise Land, a place which God Himself told them to possess, because of their fear. Well, I don't know if I'd consider it brave, but I'll take courageous.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." ~Ambrose Redmoon

God's call and direction, His glory are definitely more important than fear. So there are a lot of unknowns, so what? It only took God three days to put everything in place for me to get here. Clearly He has a plan, and His timing is perfect....always.

What do I know?

The song below has been popping up in my head at random times through out this week. It so captures how I feel most moments these days. Part of it is the reality that I'm going to India in January, and God has totally paved the way. I feel so blessed, and yet there are times I'm still just waiting for the other shoe to drop. This part of me isn't quite ready to believe that it's real...however, the two large checks I wrote, and the fact that I'm beginning the process for my visa help make it very real. It just feels like this shouldn't be possible. I've not been very faithful in stewarding the resources God has already given me, I've procrastinated like no other with school work, just moved to save money so I can move again in February, and I don't know what else. All of that makes me feel very unworthy of this chance to go on such an amazing, life changing trip. I feel like it was too easy, and that the profs or dean will say, "No, sorry, you're clearly incapable of managing school work with all your normal life events, you can't possibly go on this trip." But that's just it, I feel completely unworthy, and yet God is blessing me in such a huge way. He's granted me the finances to go, and a living situation that will still enable me to save money for another move come Feb even if I go. I am so grateful, which doesn't even begin to cover it. However, this song, What Do I Know of Holy, seems to help express some of that. If you haven't heard it, look it up. The lyrics are awesome, and it's quite a catchy song. Praise God for all His abundant blessings, and from whom all blessings flow!! What do I know? Clearly not much, but He's still ever so gracious and loving.

What do I know of Holy - Addison Road
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

The Mastermind

I've nearly completed my first year of a doctoral program. Ok, it's technically the second if you count all the master's work I did...but whatev. A few more papers and I'm done. Problem is, I'm easily distracted and can't seem to write for the life of me. Well, school related stuff anyway. I have absolutely no problem getting on here and laying my heart out to the world. Or just ramble away. I skimmed through a few of my most recent posts. I've come to realize that I have a lot of emotional baggage. I may be studying to be a psychologist but I'm clearly in need of some professional help. One of the joys of studying this stuff is the ability to self-diagnose....because that's always a healthy thing to do. It's becoming more and more apparent that I have a lot of unresolved self-esteem and relational issues I need to work through. How do I work through them on my own? I'm a verbal processor normally, and often do require feedback of some sort. Mainly to tell me I'm not crazy and it'll all be ok. Someone to give me advice or at least pray with me through it. You know, I'm not normally a complainer, or at least I had never considered myself to be one, but I feel like I have been this past year or so. Especially as I look back on what I've written. One would think that my life is consumed by issues of a teenaged, boy-crazy, girl. That's not me, even if at three decades I sometimes still feel very much like a teenager rather than a grown up. And while I may be much more realistic about relationships, I still have some fantastical ideas of fairy tale stories running through my brain. Dreams and I wishes marred by reality, lies, and false beliefs of who I am and what/whom I'm worthy of. Perhaps I should be more concered with who is worthy of me. Egotistical? Arrogant? Bitchy? So what? If I don't take care to look out for my best interest who will? Yes, yes, God is in control, has the best laid plans for me, etc. But when it comes to decisions that have to be made about who to invest my time and energy into, well, cliche-y as it might be, I rely up on God but then have to make that decision for myself. Do I trust God or not? Do I want the best for my life or do I want what I want. Not that what I want is always bad, it's just that it's usually only merely good. It's certainly not always the best. In this process of doctorhood I've learned, in some capacity, how to do on my own, be alone, push through with as little interaction as possible. It's a lonely place, this doctorate. And yet, when I find myself free to engage in social interaction, free to join the rest of the world and bask in the glorious light of summer, I still find myself alone. None of those whom I've had to abandon are available, at the drop of a hat, to spend time with the hermit. Wait, what? It isn't all about me? You mean, people have lives that they're getting on with whilst I waste away (hardly, how about bulge up) in the confines of a classroom? Oh that's right, I've not heard too much complaining about my not being able to do this or that, so why would I think that those out there would be ready to jump at a chance to spend time hanging out. But you see, there I go complaining again. No, complaining doesn't cover it, self-deprecating, that's it. I feel a great deal of built up anger ready to emerge. Perhaps this could be the avenue I've been seeking to get it all out and let it go. And yet I just learned that catharsis is only so helpful. It's really better to just divert anger into something more constructive, like exercise. Well, we all know how I feel about that....or do we? I'd much rather sit here and type away than get off my ass and do something. Ok, that's not true either. I simply make the choice to, whether I really want to or not is completely moot. Anger and hurt seems to fester here at the moment - "Fester, fester, fester. Rot, rot, rot." - I'm about ready for a breakdown to occur. I want to spend time with people, yet I'm not feeling all that close to anyone in particular. Why do I feel so distant from my friends? It couldn't have anything to do with school, could it? Or is that just a lame excuse I've come up with to push people away, to keep them at a distance so I won't have to get hurt. I'm extremely sensitive it seems. Is it a wonder that with all this going on in my head I can't write school related papers? How is one to focus on academia when the rest of the inner world is so jumbled?

Eve (part 3)

*All quotes from Captivating unless otherwise specified.

*I had to break this chapter into 3 parts, it was just way too long. Now, without further ado, the final installment on Eve.

Beauty to Unveil

"Beauty is essential to God. No--that's not putting it strongly enough. Beauty is the essence of God." (pg. 34)

"Nature is not primarily functional. It is primarily beautiful." (pg. 34)

When you look at everything around you, in particular nature, what's your first response to it, your first thought? Do you see the beauty in it? Because that's what it is. The sky, in it's various stages and colors. The mountains or the ocean as the sun is setting and rising. The flowers in the field, the birds and their songs. All of it, beautiful. Yes, nature has a functional purpose, but that's not the primary reason for it's creation. All was created to show the glory of God. Therefore, it's beauty is the primary purpose. And this in itself shows us that the very essence of God is beauty.

"Beauty is the essence of a woman. We want to be perfectly clear that we mean both a physical beauty and a soulful/spiritual beauty. The one depends upon and flows out of the other. Yes, the world cheapens and prostitutes beauty, making it all about a perfect figure few women can attain. But Christians minimize it too, or overspiritualize it, making it all about 'character.' We must recover the prize of Beauty. The church must take it back. Beauty is too vital to lose. God gave Eve a beautiful form and a beautiful spirit. She expresses beauty in both. Better, she expresses beauty simply in who she is. Like God, it is her essence." (pg. 36)

Too often we look to the outward to determine beauty. When describing one person to another, in particular someone whom may not be "beautiful" by society's standards, we say they have a great personality or something of the like. There's a scene from the movie When Harry Met Sally that gives a perfect example of this. When Harry is trying to set up his best guy friend with Sally, and Sally's trying to set up her best girlfriend with Harry, there's a scene where Harry & Jess are talking about Sally. It comes down to Jess believing that, because Harry says Sally's attractive, and has a great personality, she's not beautiful. It's an interesting conversation, for those who haven't seen the movie, watch it. You'll get it.

But beauty is essential for women, it's essential to women. All women want to be viewed as beautiful, inside and out. There are some women who, despite all their outward beauty, have such ugly hearts that their outward appearance doesn't even matter anymore. While there are women who aboslutely radiate beauty because of the beauty in their hearts. They say beauty is skin deep. That's society's idea of beauty, not God's. To God, beauty goes much deeper. Beauty is soul deep.

"Beauty is powerful. It may be the most powerful thing on earth. It is dangerous. Because it matters. Let us try and explain why.

"[B]eauty speaks.....beauty says, All shall be well. And this is what it's like to be with a woman at rest, a woman comfortable in her feminine beauty. She is enjoyable to be with. She is lovely. In her presence your heart stops holding it's breath. You relax and believe once again that all will be well. And this is also why a woman who is striving is so disturbing, for a woman who is not at rest in her heart says to the world, 'All is not well. Things are not going to turn out all right.'...We need what Beauty speaks. What it says is hard to put into words. But part of its message is that all is well. All will be well.

Which woman do you find yourself to be most often? Are you at rest? What is your beauty speaking to those around you?

"Beauty also invites. Recall what it is like to hear a truly beautiful piece of music. It captures you; you want to sit down and just drink it in....(This is not visual, showing us that beauty is deeper than looks.)Music like this commands your attention, invites you to come more deeply into it....We describe a great book as 'captivating.' It draws you in, holds your attention. You can't wait to get back to it, spend time with it. All of the responses that God wants of us. All of the responses a woman wants too. Beauty invites.

I know that I want to be that woman that someone can't wait to get back to, can't wait to spend time with. I also want to respond to God this way. I've learned that the more time I take in being intentional about pursuing God, the greater the desire to go back to Him. The greater the desire to spend time with Him, where I can't wait for that time to come in my day where I get to just sit at His feet, soaking in His love and His truth through His Word.

"Beauty nourishes....a woman's body is one of the most beautiful of all God's creations....It nourishes, offers life.

"Beauty comforts.There is something profoundly healing about it. Have you ever wondered why we send flowers to the bereaved? In the midst of their suffering and loss, only a gift of beauty says enough, or says it right....Beauty comforts. It soothes the soul.

"Beauty inspires....[A]s Jack Nicholson says to Helen Hunt at the end of As Good As It Gets, 'You make me want to be a better man.' Isn't it true? Think of what it might have been like to have been in the presence of a woman like Mother Teresa. Her life was so beautiful, and it called us to something higher....Beauty inspires.

"Beauty is transcendent.....Beauty draws us to God....All these things are true for any experience of Beauty. But they are especially true when we experience the beauty of a woman--her eyes, her form, her voice, her heart, her spirit, her life. She speaks all of this far more profoundly than anything else in all creation, because she is incarnate; she is personal." (pp.37-40)

While flowers, mountains and oceans may be scenic and beautiful, nothing speaks of beauty the way a woman does. When you encounter the beauty of a woman, all else fades into the background. Such as it is with God. When you experience Him, when you experience His beauty, everything else is dim in comparison. Nothing else matters.

"Beauty is, without question, the most essential and the most misunderstood of all of God's qualities--of all feminine qualities too....A woman knows, down in her soul, that she longs to bring beauty to the world. She might be mistaken on how (something every woman struggles with), but she longs for a beauty to unveil. This is not just culture, or the need to 'get a man.' This is in her heart, part of her design." (pp. 40-41)

Show me a woman who doesn't desire to be beautiful, to even hear that she is beautiful, and I'll show you a woman so hurt by this world that she's lying to herself as much as to others.

"One of the deepest ways a woman bears the image of God is in her mystery. By 'mystery' we don't mean 'forever beyond our knowing,' but 'something to be explored.' (Prov. 25:2)....God yearns to be known. But he wants to be sought after by those who would know him....(Jer.29:13). There is dignity here; God does not throw himself at any passerby. He is no harlot. If you would know him you must love him; you must seek him with your whole heart. This is crucial to any woman's soul, not to mention her sexuality. 'You cannot simply have me. You must seek me, pursue me. I won't let you in unless I know you love me.'" (pg. 41)

And yet, how often do we women ignore that desire to be sought after and simply throw ourselves at men in our lives? We recklessly give our hearts to those who would show interest in us, instead of guarding it until they prove to be truly worthy of being let in. Not to say that men aren't worthy, but not all men should be granted access to the deepest recesses of our hearts. That ought to be reserved for God first, and only then to the man who would pursue it for honorable, pure, and loving reasons. The same goes for our bodies.

"Just like God, a woman is not a problem to be solved, but a vast wonder to be enjoyed. This is so true of her sexuality. Few women can or even want to 'just do it.' Foreplay is crucial to her heart, the whispering and loving and exploring of one another that culminates in intercourse. That is a picture of what it means to love her soul. She yearns to be known and that takes time and intimacy. It requires an unveiling. As she is sought after, she reveals more of her beauty. As she unveils her beauty, she draws us to know her more deeply." (pp 41-42)

"Whatever else it means to be feminine, it is depth and mystery and complexity, with beauty as its very essence. Now, lest despair set in, let us say as clearly as we can:

Every woman has a beauty to unveil.
Every woman.

Because she bears the image of God. She doesn't have to conjure it, go get it from a salon, have plastic surgery or breast implants. No, beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation." (pg. 42)

Do you women hear that? You don't have to go "get" beauty, it's been give you already. God gave you beauty the day you were created! Every woman!

"...it is God who longs for Romance; it is God who longs to be our ezer; it is God who reveals beauty as essential to life. You are the image bearer of this God. That is why you long for those things too. There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs." (pg. 42)

The desire for romance, to be beautiful, is not silly, nor wrong. It's built in to who you are and whose image you represent! You are beautiful, and you are desperately needed!

*The following was originally in here earlier, but I didn't feel it fit quite as well with where I was going. So, I've sort of added it as a side note. A little lesson for us all.

"...Adam is captured best in motion, doing something. His essence is strength in action. That is what he speaks to the world. He bears the image of God, who is a warrior. On behalf of God, Adam says, 'God will come through. God is on the move.' That is why a passive man is so disturbing. His passivity defies his very essence. It violates the way he bears God's image. A passive man says, 'God will not come through. He is not acting on your behalf.'" (pp. 36-37)

It's sad, really, that we are seeing a greater amount of passivity in men these days. Society and culture, even Christian culture at times, do not encourage men to be warriors. Their strength is being sapped away by the need for women to be more than they were created to be. This is not to say that women can't be strong, or warriors in their own right, but when it comes at the cost of emasculating our men, something's not right.

Overwhelmed

I was sitting in a leader's training meeting after the church service on Sunday, and as I sat there, I was overwhelmed with the desire to cry. I can't fully explain it. I think it might've been a conglomeration of things that occurred that day. I'd been feeling pretty anxious about my financial situation, which was grim to say the least, and with my parents' 30th anniversary coming up, I was desperately wanting to do something. However, my circumstances weren't even going to allow me to go down to their place to visit, much less contribute to a gift, or dinner or something. Then, I was told that some support had come in to the church for me. My heart did a happy dance, because now I'd be able to do something, even if it wasn't much.

After the service, I was working on trying to get the sermon recording cleaned up and ready to put on the website. At the same time, trying to answer questions for multiple people, including those who wanted copies of the sermon, and previous sermons as well. I finally got all that taken care of just as this leader's meeting was getting ready to start. I hadn't really eaten lunch, but instead, ate one of those chocolate chocolate chip muffins from Costco that I'd brought with me. Healthy, I know.

So, I'm sitting next to the pastor's wife, while her husband was chilling on the floor, keeping an eye on their son. It was when the pastor moved up to the chair to sit next to his wife, and put his arm around her, that I became so overwhelmed with the desire to start crying.

I was overcome with thankfulness for how God had provided for me, but along with that was this deep sense of longing and desire for that which I'm still waiting on Him to provide. A husband. The sermon that morning had been on brokenness. I definitely feel broken, in multiple areas of my life. Finances and relationships being two of them. I learned a lot about what it means to be broken, and how I ought to handle these times of my life.

Waiting in anticipation of what God will teach me next.

More Thoughts on Oswald

From My Utmost For His Highest Feb. 22

"Be still, and know that I am God..." (Psalm 46:10)

"Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling. Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for -- love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men -- will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.

"If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, 'because you have kept My command to persevere...' (Revelation 3:10).

"Continue to persevere spiritually."

When I first wrote thoughts on this, it was the issue of our hopes and dreams that I wrote about. Honestly, when I first read it, that wasn't what stuck out to me, but at the time I began writing, it was as if there was something else I needed to say. Anway, originally, it was the concept of perseverance that originally caught my attention, since it is the main topic. I believe God's taught me a lot about perseverance, especially during the 3 years I raised support. Of course, He also taught me a lot about endurance. The two do seem to go hand in hand.

However, as Oswald describes perseverance, I smack my head. "I could've had a V-8!" Kidding. Anyway, all of a sudden, things make a little more sense. I've always had this sense of exactly what he says perseverance isn't. I always thought of it as hanging on by the skin of my teeth, barely getting through, but getting through. There's a much stronger element of faith involved in persevering. Faith that God will win, will come through, and in such amazing ways as we could ever hope. Faith that, despite moments, or even years, of silence, God will answer, and speak to us. As we are obedient to Him, to the truths we believe, to the path we're called to (even when it feels like it goes on without change), He is continuing to work through us and in us. Persevering is continuing to pursue Him and His will, even when it seems like there are no answers, because we hold on to faith in His abilities, power, strength, and love.

Eve (part 2)

*Again, all quotes are from Captivating unless otherwise specified.

"An Adventure to Share"

"Call it the Human Mission--to be all and do all God sent us here to do. And notice--the mission to be fruitful and conquer and hold sway is given both to Adam and to Eve. 'And God said to them...' Eve is standing right there when God give the world over to us." (pg. 31)

We women have just as much of a role to play in the story as Adam did. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently. Men are not to dominate all, including us, we are to do things together. We are to share the adventure God gave us. I believe this is the reason why so many people long to find a significant other. We long to share our lives with someone else. To partake in an adventure together, to share in life's ups and downs, to laugh and cry with, to experience joys and pains with.

"When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo.....Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is 'notoriously difficult to translate.'....Alter is getting close when he translates it 'sustainer beside him.' The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately." (pg. 31; references Deut. 33:26,29; Ps. 121:1-2; Ps. 20:1-2; Ps. 33:20; Ps. 115:9-11, note the words help or helper)

Note that only Eve & God are described with the word ezer. That's pretty significant. Women were created to fulfill a desperately needed role. Look at the phrase "sustainer beside him." Sustainer, one who sustains. (Here's a link for the various definitions of the word sustain. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Sustainer) There are many definitions, all of which work extremely well with the second half of the phrase, beside him. Meaning, next to him, not under him, not over, but beside. Quite literally, a helper, but in a greatly significant way. Eve was created to help provide for Adam, to encourage him, but also to withstand with him. Think about it, to withstand, to bear up under. Eve was created to bear up under hardships with Adam. Neither is meant to go it alone.

"Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he is not there beside you...you are dead. A better translation therefore of ezer would be 'lifesaver.' Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart. You see, the life God calls us to is not a safe life....God calls us to a life involving frequent risks and many dangers. Why else would we need him to be our ezer? You don't need a lifesaver if your mission is to be a couch potato. You need an ezer when your life is in constant danger." (pg. 32)

Those living their lives in pursuit of God's will know just how dangerous life can be. We are called to live dangerously, not to sit idly letting life pass us by. Therefore, we need a "lifesaver counterpart." Ultimately that is God. Only He can save us from the dangers we face, for they are not always physical dangers, but spiritual ones.

"That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure--that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him--desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place." (pg. 33)

Thoughts On Oswald Chambers

The following is Feb. 22nd's entry in My Utmost For His Highest.

"Be still, and know that I am God..." (Psalm 46:10)

"Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling. Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for -- love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men -- will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.

"If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, 'because you have kept My command to persevere...' (Revelation 3:10).

"Continue to persevere spiritually." (emphasis mine)

This would be the second time in a week that that verse from Psalm has come up. Two very different situations, and even somewhat different applications. Yet the message remains the same. It's two fold. Be still and know that I am God. "Be still," to me, says to be quiet. To stop going, stop talking, stop moving, even stop thinking so much, and simply listen. It's good to talk to God, ask for His help, share with Him that which I desire, but it's just as important to stop and actually listen for His answers. Crucial even.

"Know that I am God." Ok, He's God. What does it mean to know that? I don't think in the typical way that we know something intellectually, but more in the sense that we are to trust in who He is. Trust in His power, His knowledge, His presence. For He is omnipotent (all powerful), omniscient (all knowing), and omnipresent (all/ever present). We are to trust that He is far more capable of handling the problems in our lives than we are, given we bring them before Him. We are to entrust our hurts, cares, worries, and joys to Him, and simply let them be.

Our hopes, too, are to be entrusted to Him. And as Oswald so perfectly puts it, "But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God." Waiting is always the hardest part (I do believe there's a song for that statement, and it's running through my head). Reality is, we want our hopes, our dreams, to be a reality, but we want them to be instantaneously met, no waiting. Yet, it is that waiting that purifies them, forms them more into God's will, instead of them simply being our own. God works on us during that time of waiting, often to bring us into alignment with Him, and to bring our hopes into alignment with His plan for us. The hope doesn't change, but is, instead, perfected, and thus creates more joy than if it had been granted as it was, without His purifying work.

And such as feels to be my life at the moment. I find myself in a place of disappointed hopes. However, I can see that they are merely being purified and perfected to God's will, His good, pleasing and perfect will.

Eve (part 1)

~All quotes from Captivating, unless otherwise specified.

"From water and stone, to pomegranate and rose, to leopard and nightingale, creation ascends in beauty....The greatest of all masterpieces is emerging. What was once formless and empty is now overflowing with life and color and sound and movement in a thousand variations. Most importantly, notice that each creature is more intricate and noble and mysterious than the last. A cricket is amazing, but it cannot compare to a wild horse....In one last flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch....Given the way creation unfolds, how it builds to ever higher and higher works of art, can there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God's final touch, his pièce de résistance. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill." (pp. 24-25)

I am irreplaceable, that's what this says to me. Not just because I'm me, and have giftings that God has given me. No, I'm irreplaceable because I am a woman. God didn't make me as an afterthought. I also wasn't created just so I could wait on some guy hand and foot, never to be appreciated, loved, thanked, or cared for. In fact, I was the final work of art created by a loving Master who knew exactly what He was doing. And created in His image to top it off.

"God wanted to reveal something about himself, so he gave us Eve. When you are with a woman, ask yourself, what is she telling me about God? It will open up wonders for you.

"First, you'll discover that God is relational to his core, that he has a heart for romance. Second, that he longs to share adventures with us--adventures you cannot accomplish without him. And finally, that God has a beauty to unveil. A beauty that is captivating and powerfully redemptive." (pg. 26)

"Man's love is of man's life a thing apart
'Tis a woman's whole existence."
~Byron (pg. 26)

"Whatever else we know about women, we know they are relational creatures to their cores. While little boys are killing one another in mock battles on the playground, little girls are negotiating relationships....This is so second nature, so assumed among women, that it goes unnoticed by them....Most women define themselves in terms of their relationships, and the quality they deem those relationships to have....This is not a weakness in women--it is a glory. A glory that reflects the heart of God." (pp. 27-28)

Boy howdy, is there truth in that! As a woman, I frequently think about the relationships I have with others, and whether or not they're going well. Am I succeeding as a friend, sister, daughter, etc. As a single woman, I especially find myself often thinking on romantic relationships (or lack of them) and wondering if somehow I'm failing in that area of my life. All relationships are important, but most important is our relationship with God. As relational creatures, you'd think that women would have an easier time investing in that relationship, cultivating it and growing closer to our Creator. Personally, I've found the opposite to be true. I get so distracted by my other relationships that I sometimes forget to spend any time investing in the one relationship that matters, and affects all the others.

"The vast desire and capacity a woman has for intimate relationships tells us of God's vast desire and capacity for intimate relationships. In fact, this may be the most important thing we ever learn about God--that he yearns for relationship with us. 'Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God' (John 17:3). The whole story of the Bible is a love story between God and his people. He yearns for us. He cares. He has a tender heart." (pg. 28)

"Not only does God long for us, but he longs to be loved by us. Oh, how we've missed this. How many of you see God as longing to be loved by you? We see him as strong and powerful, but not as needing us, vulnerable to us, yearning to be desired. But as I wrote in Wild at Heart,

After years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, 'Why won't you choose me?' It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. 'You will find me,' says the Lord, 'when you seek me with all your heart' (Jer. 29:13). In other words, 'Look for me, pursue me--I want you to pursue me.' As Tozer says, 'God waits to be wanted.'

"Can there be any doubt that God wants to be sought after? The first and greatest of all commands is to love him (Mark 12:29-30, Matt. 22:36-38). He wants us to love him. To seek him with all our hearts. A woman longs to be sought after, too, with the whole heart of her pursuer. God longs to be desired. Just as a woman longs to be desired. This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired....God feels the same way. Remember the story of Martha and Mary? Mary chose God, and Jesus said that that is what he wanted. 'Mary has chosen what is better' (Luke 10:42)." (pp. 28-29)

To all women, let me say, I've always had a hard time with the longing to be desired, to be sought after. To know that it's not a fault or a weakness, but it's a reflection of God's own heart, is freeing. No, it's not something to dwell on, but it's legitimate to feel that longing. It's ok to talk about it, it's ok to feel it. It's not ok to let it become your whole life.

"This whole world was made for romance--the rivers and the glens, the meadows and beaches. Flowers, music, a kiss. But we have a way of forgetting all that, losing ourselves in work and worry. Eve--God's message to the world in feminine form--invites us to romance. Through her, God makes romance a priority of the universe....Tender and inviting, intimate and alluring, fiercely devoted. Oh yes, our God has a passionate, romantic heart. Just look at Eve." (pg. 30)

Have you let God romance you yet? If romance is a priority, then we need to make sure we're experiencing it. First, from a loving God who not only wants to be desired, but desires to romance us. Simply look at creation, and you'll see all the ways in which He does so. You don't have to go far, just step out of your front door. Watch the sunrise or the sunset. Look to the beauty of flowers growing wild, or even of the bouquets in the grocery store. Listen to the music of His creation. Know it was all made for you, to romance you.

Time

It takes time to move past feelings for someone, especially when you've been harboring said feelings for well over a year. It does no good to shove 'em down deep, hoping they'll go away. Because, in the end, they just come exploding back out again, and always when you don't want them to. So, the best thing may be to actually feel them, and try to throw them away once you've acknowledged their existence. For example, while I realize he's not the man I really want, not the one who meets all that I've set out as significant qualities in a future husband, that doesn't mean I miss him any less, or love him any less. I recognize that I miss him. So, how do I handle that, and move forward? Enjoy the company I'm with, for one. Continue to have a good time, and don't dwell on him. Now, how does one handle a situation where, nearly all the things you do remind you of something about him? Whether it's something he likes, or doesn't like, something he's passionate about or abhors, it all reminds you of him. That I have yet to figure out. All of this, of course, is easier said than done. As with all aspects of life that are difficult or challenging. It's easy enough to tell someone else, "Buck up and move on." But when you have to tell yourself, well, for whatever reason, it's not so easy. Keep praying, and keep your eyes on Jesus. That's my only answer.

The Heart of a Woman (parts 1 & 2)

Part 1
"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it--something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women....We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought--that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain--uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be. Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message of to the rest of us--whether from a driven cluture or a driven church--is try harder." (Captivating pp. 6-7)

I'm sure I wrote on this somewhere around a year ago. I don't know why I stopped reading the book, but here I am, picking it up again. Finding myself in a place where I have lost sight of God and who I am to Him. Well, ok, maybe I didn't really lose sight of Him, I know He's always been there, but I most definitely lost track of who I am in His eyes. As I was re-reading the first chapter, the above passage stood out to me. I realized that the author was describing me, and I just hadn't been fully ready to see myself as one of those women. In reality, all women have felt this at some point or another. Of course, I don't always feel like a woman....most often I still feel like a little girl, or some giddy teenager. How do you try harder at something when you don't even know what it means in the first place?

"And in all the exhortations we have missed the most important thing of all. We have missed the heart of a woman.

"And that is not a wise thing to do, for as the Scriptures tell us, the heart is central. 'Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life' (Prov. 4:23). Above all else. Why? Because God knows that our heart is core to who we are. It is the source of all our creativity, our courage, and our convictions. It is the fountainhead of our faith, our hope, and of course, our love. This 'wellspring of life' within us is the very essence of our existence, the center of our being. Your heart as a woman is the most important thing about you." (Captivating pp. 7-8)

My heart is the most important thing about me. Then why don't I ever treat it as such. And how does one guard their heart, anyway? Does anyone really know? Because I don't have a clue short of blockading it off and making it more of a fortress to be stormed than a simple lock to be undone.

"....And so the journey to discover what God meant when he created woman in his image--when he created you as his woman--that journey begins with your heart. Another way of saying this is that the journey begins with desire....We think you'll find that every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. That's what makes a woman come alive." (Captivating pg.8)

Part 2
As promised, the follow-up, although I can't promise any more fluidity or sense than the first post. Oh well. (All quotes from Captivating unless otherwise specified.)

"The King is enthralled by your beauty." -Psalm 45:11 (pg. 12)

"I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful."
-Bethany Dillon, "Beautiful" (pp. 13-14)

"And it's not just the desire for an outward beauty, but more--a desire to be captivating in the depths of who we are." (pg. 16)

I know this to be true from personal experience. It's one thing to be desired by someone because they view you as beautiful on the outside, but something entirely different to be viewed as desirable because of who you are, which brings out a great beauty. And the joy, the excitement, in knowing you're desirable, not simply for outward appearances, far surpasses the fleeting happiness in hearing someone tell you you're cute, adorable, or even beautiful. What person only ever truly wishes to be sought after because they fit some physical ideal of beauty? No woman, that's for sure. And really, the key word isn't so much desirable, but captivating.

"For now, don't you recognize that a woman yearns to be seen, and to be thought of as captivating? We desire to possess beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil." (pg. 17)

I've written on the following before, I realize, but that was about a year ago, and many things have happened in that year. Including various realizations....we can call them epiphanies, if necessary.

"A woman in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. His strength allows her feminine heart to flourish. His pursuit draws out her beauty. And a man in the presence of a real woman loves being a man. Her beauty arouses him to play the man, it draws out his strength. She inspires him to be a hero." (pg. 18)

Oh to be so lucky as to experience this. I've been contemplating, and thinking back on my life (mainly high school until now), to try to find even one moment when I've experienced this. There is one time that comes to mind, something within this past year, but the moment was fleeting. I know why I can't come up with many of these experiences in my life. It's because I've done most of the pursuing of relationships. I've never allowed for someone to pursue me, thus inhibiting the true feminine heart within me. That stops now.

"Most of our addictions as women flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after." (pg. 10)

This I also know from experience. I am an emotional eater, shopper, watcher of tv/movies. When I'm not feeling loved I turn to any one of those three things. Sometimes in conjunction. Do you ever notice how, when you're feeling especially in need of love the only movies you want to watch are romances or romantic comedies? I certainly do. It's as though I think I can fill that need by experiencing it through others, when realistically, I typically feel all the more lonely or empty when it's over. Only God can fill that hole, that longing in my heart.

He recently spoke to my heart, through a gal at Bible study, on the topic of loneliness. (For when we're feeling unloved, we're often lonely as well.) She shared that she kept going back to the passage in Genesis where God says that it is not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18). He knows when we're lonely, and that it's not good for us to be alone. It was comforting for her to know that God knows this, even if He doesn't rush to the solution. I was blown away when she said that. God doesn't rush anything, why would He rush His best for me? It's me who tries to rush things, to push God to move faster in certain areas of my life. This is where patience comes in handy, and I know He's built that in me. Not sure why I don't see fit to apply those lessons to all areas of my life.

"The longings God has written deep in your heart are telling you something essential about what it means to be a woman, and the life he meant for you to live. Now we know--many of those desires have gone unmet, or been assaulted, or simply so long neglected, that most women end up living two lives. On the surface we are busy and efficient, professional, even. We are getting by. On the inside women lose themselves in a fantasy world or in cheap novels, or we give ourselves over to food or some other addiction to numb the ache of our hearts. But your heart is still there, crying out to be set free, to find the life your desires tell you of." (pg. 19)

Patience, however, doesn't mean I'm to sit idly by and wait, twiddling my thumbs, until God sees fit to bring someone into my life. I must live my life as God has given me, seek Him first, give back to Him that which He's given me, and trust that He knows what He's doing, and His will is best. Then I will see my heart set free, and the desires of my heart fulfilled.