What do I know?

The song below has been popping up in my head at random times through out this week. It so captures how I feel most moments these days. Part of it is the reality that I'm going to India in January, and God has totally paved the way. I feel so blessed, and yet there are times I'm still just waiting for the other shoe to drop. This part of me isn't quite ready to believe that it's real...however, the two large checks I wrote, and the fact that I'm beginning the process for my visa help make it very real. It just feels like this shouldn't be possible. I've not been very faithful in stewarding the resources God has already given me, I've procrastinated like no other with school work, just moved to save money so I can move again in February, and I don't know what else. All of that makes me feel very unworthy of this chance to go on such an amazing, life changing trip. I feel like it was too easy, and that the profs or dean will say, "No, sorry, you're clearly incapable of managing school work with all your normal life events, you can't possibly go on this trip." But that's just it, I feel completely unworthy, and yet God is blessing me in such a huge way. He's granted me the finances to go, and a living situation that will still enable me to save money for another move come Feb even if I go. I am so grateful, which doesn't even begin to cover it. However, this song, What Do I Know of Holy, seems to help express some of that. If you haven't heard it, look it up. The lyrics are awesome, and it's quite a catchy song. Praise God for all His abundant blessings, and from whom all blessings flow!! What do I know? Clearly not much, but He's still ever so gracious and loving.

What do I know of Holy - Addison Road
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Continued Process

Since I began this journey to understand the controversy surrounding women in leadership I have not had any significant discussions with people that included looking at scripture and dialoguing...until today. I have been blessed to have one of my new co-workers express interest in hearing my thoughts on the subject, and be willing to sit down and have a meaningful conversation about what the Bible says, and what our church (not The Church, as in the body of believers, but specifically the church we attend) believes, as relates to women's involvement in ministry leadership. First, I have to say just how grateful I am that God brought this person to work, and through that into my life. Not only that, but the fact that he was willing to have a conversation about the subject, allowing me to share what I'm learning, even though I may not fully grasp all aspects of it yet, and not just tell me he thinks I'm wrong. He not once told me, "This is what the church believes, what the pastor teaches, and thus is how it is. End of story." He willingly admitted that he was coming from a place of, "This is what I've learned from the teaching at church, and my personal experiences, so that is the position from which I'm approaching the topic." Yet he was open and willing to learn, just as he was willing to share, teach, and discuss. It was a humbling experience, and very helpful for me to begin to formulate my questions and process my understanding of this controversial topic. There have been others I have mentioned my struggles to, admitting I don't fully understand where I find myself in the debate. But those same people have been unable, or unwilling, to engage in discussion. It seems there are many who don't know a lot about the topic, they only know what they've been taught by their churches (or church in this case, as it is the same church I currently attend). Does no one care to truly question and challenge the teachings of their leaders? Or perhaps it's that church tradition on the topic is so ingrained in us, in society, that it sounds normal and reasonable, therefore why should it be questioned. I feel as though I may be rambling, and it is likely the case. Just getting some thoughts out before I move ahead in my study and begin to focus on the issue of headship.

Ventings and Ramblings

I've been trying not to think about it, but I do miss him. I sent him a message the other day, and was browsing through some of his pictures, when the thought crossed my mind, "I miss his face." Yea, I miss seeing his face. I could stare at those pictures for hours. I knew it wouldn't be easy, even if it's only for a short time. But, I'm not really supposed to think about that. We're just friends, and dwelling too long leads me down a path of depression and potential destruction. Not to mention, fantasizing about all the possiblities of him returning, again, and us being more than friends. Yea, that'll happen. It didn't happen last time, and it most certainly is not happening this time. Especially since he's going to visit someone he can't wait to spend in person, one-on-one time with. That person so not being me. My heart still breaks when I think about it. And part of me just wants to slap him, because he's doing the same damn thing I am, only with someone else. Wishing and hoping for something more than what there is. Granted, he is trying to be the pursuer, but at the same time is being rebuffed for his efforts, which makes my heart break for him, as much as it still hurts me. I don't want to see him hurt, and I want him to be happy. Actually, there's a lot I want for him. I want, for him, all the things he wants for himself, and all the things God has planned for him. He has such potential, and he doesn't even know the half of it. He doesn't utilize a fraction of it. I'm so proud of all the things he's done, and continues to learn and do, of the aspirations he has for himself, and the desire to pursue whatever path God has for him. I honestly need to spend more time in prayer for him, for the things God has planned for him, than what I have been. Because, though I've been saying I pray for him, really, I'm praying for myself, and that which I want God to do in regards to the relationship he and I do have.

As I ramble on here, so not going in the direction I originally thought, I realize that I've been avoiding the one thing I truly need. Specific, intentional, pursuit of Jesus. I don't want to be alone tonight, because I'm afraid of what God will reveal to me. My selfish nature would much rather spend time with other people, NOT in God's Word or presence. Or spend time watching tv, and surfing the web. Reading things I don't need to read, or that can wait to be read. At the same time, sitting, hoping he'll log in and I can chat with him. We're back to that again. I thought I was done with that, but it seems I will never be fully done with him. He's here to stay, in whatever capacity that is to be. But, he needs to be bumped down a slot or two on the priority scale, that's for certain.

Ok, time to stop avoiding what I know needs to be done. Time to do that which I should want to be doing. Getting a lot of good time in with my Love and my Friend before heading off to bed.