Isn't it something?

Over the past few days the world has been exposed to a surprising reality; the church is also seeing it's reality shift. No longer can we hide behind the idea that because we are Believers, because we are Christians, we can't and don't suffer from such strangling mental illnesses like depression. I believe the world sees us and thinks we "have it all together" that we're "perfect" or perhaps even immune to the darkness they may feel. And we are perceived this way because we continue to put some of those images forward for all to see. We don't talk about the struggles we face, the depression we feel, the hopelessness that can consume our days. Yes, we have a hope that is greater. A hope of a life that will no longer be subject to the darkness and depression, to the hurt and fear of this world. But that is a future life, a life beyond this one. It is something to look forward to.

What about right now? Mental illness is not something that only affects those who don't believe in Jesus, it affects us all. Whether you've been a Christian since you were 5 years old, or have only recently come to know him at 80, no one is exempt. The problem is, no one wants to talk about such things. There is such a stigma associated with mental illness, even one as "minor" as depression (Trust me, depression is no minor illness, but I believe most people would describe it as such in comparison to illnesses like Schizophrenia. All are serious, none are minor.) that no one wants to admit they struggle with it. It has been my experience that this is even more true within the Christian church. It is thought that if we have enough faith and trust in God we wouldn't be struggling like we do. Or at least we shouldn't be. I've even heard pastors belittle and degrade psychology from the pulpit. Granted, by itself, psychology can only benefit so much. But I think that's the wrong attitude and approach to someone in need; and yet that approach has so permeated the church that instead of seeking help from those who should love them most, people hide, often not seeking any help at all. It becomes an embarrassment, a shame that they must live with along with the illness. Now, I don't think everyone needs to know all of our business, but there should be someone or even a group of someones who can share in our burdens. Who can walk with us through the struggles, providing counsel, prayer, and support. Someone who can assure us that we are not loved less by God or others simply because we are trying to cope with an illness. Ann Voskamp likens depression to cancer, they're both illnesses, and both deadly. Why is it we're so ready as a church to cry out for healing, while still encouraging the seeking of necessary medical care, for one but not the other?

In the wake of the death of a beloved son, brother, friend, and believer, I have seen more Christians stepping forward and speaking out about their own struggles. The international awareness of this loss has brought a once hidden truth to light. The world is now becoming more awakened to the reality that even Christians suffer, and not just in persecution form. I believe the church is being called to be more, to be the Church, more so than ever. There are churches who are already acting as the Church, who provide the support and care for those struggling with more than just physical illnesses. Pray that others will follow. We're all being called to put aside the stigmas. To lay down our preconceived notions of what it means for a Christian to have a mental illness. To be the Body.

Let's be a light to the world following after the Light of the World, exposing the darkness, dispelling the shame, and bringing truth to a world very much in need.

Trust, Pray, Obey

It's been over a year since my last blog post. I have kept many things to myself, and that which I've chosen to share, I've done so on Facebook or in person. Many things have changed, and yet the important remains the same. I have a new apartment but no roommate. I have a new car, which has granted me more freedom in a place with limited public transportation. I have gone back and forth between jobs, but am now firmly planted at Starbucks (for the time being), while I get all the necessary application bits together for my counseling license. I have committed myself to a church that is doing many great works, continually growing, and clearly God led. I've connected to a small group, trying to find my place socially in a new area.

It's still hard to believe that it's been over a year since I made the trek to Texas. I remember it like it was yesterday. I still miss those whom I was closest to in Seattle, and at times have to remind myself I can't just call them up to come over. I can call them, but the connection and conversation will have to remain limited to the telephone.

The one constant through it all has been God. For He is never changing and ever steadfast. I still don't know for what purpose I have been called here, apart from the lessons I've learned in being obedient. The obedience lesson continues even now, only in different areas of my life than my physical location. One thing has been made clear. This time of living on my own in a "foreign land" is meant for my benefit and growth, to be a time of solitude and quiet. And so I continue, striving to know Him more, and remaining available to Him and what He would ask of me. Trusting, praying, and obeying.

Going Without Knowing

Today's reading from My Utmost For His Highest struck a chord. A truth chord, if you will. Now, I've been ready through My Utmost on a daily basis for the past 5 years, at least. It was a gift from my Aunt Rita on my 21st birthday. Often, as I read Chambers' words, I will pray that what has been written will be made true in my own life. But there are those occasional days when I think he's speaking specifically of my life. God has used this book to speak truth and bring healing to me an a number of occasions over the past 5 years. I can mark those events by the pages in My Utmost. Today's excerpt was one of those times.

In my previous post I shared my thoughts on having moved to Dallas recently. How I don't feel so brave, but am willing to accept some notion of courage in making such a transition. That post is the backdrop for Chambers' words that so struck home this morning.

Will you go out without knowing?

"He went out, not knowing where he was going" (Hebrews 11:8)

Have you ever "gone out" in this way? If so, there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is, "What do you expect to do?" You don't know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don't know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to "go out," building your confidence in God. "...do not worry about your life...nor about the body..." (Luke 12:22). In other words, don't worry about the things that concerned you before you did "go out."

Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do -- He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?

Believe God is always the God you know him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus. You must learn to "go out" through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God.

I have gone out without knowing where I was going. Sure, I knew the name of the place and it's location on a map, but I went not knowing the area, not knowing the people, and not knowing what was waiting for me. I'm still going out, not knowing. And I still can't answer the question, "What are you going to do?" My response sounds silly, and sometimes naive, because all I can say is, "I don't know."

I ask God nearly every day what He's going to do. I also ask Him what it is that He wants me to do. He wants me to know Him. He wants me to surrender to Him. He wants me to trust Him, not just in Him. That's as much as I know, and for me, that's enough. Not to say they are easy tasks, because they're not. There is still plenty between me and God...plenty of me between me and God. But that is changing the more I "go out."

New Beginnings

"And yet I know artists who medium is life itself, and to express the inexpressible without brush, pencil, chisel, or guitar. They neither paint nor dance. Their medium is Being. Whatever their hand touches has increased life. They see and don't have to draw. They are the artists of being alive." ~Frederick Frank

I've been told I'm brave for making such a huge change, for going where I basically don't know anyone, but I don't feel brave. In fact, despite the knowledge and confidence that this is where God has called me to be; despite the reality that He has guided my every step and opened doors I could not, I sit in wonder. I question the purpose, His purpose. I have learned from experience that it is easier to obey and trust than it is to try to do what He asks on my own terms. But it is also hard to let go of other elements of those experiences. To let go of disappointments and, ultimately, fear. It is a challenge to not give in to fear. These fears are irrational, given God's evidences of them being unfounded. He has yet to let me down. The disappointments I speak of are my own let downs, the failing of my expectations not of God's plans or purposes.

For some picking up and moving half-way across the country, to an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people, where they truly know no one, with no notion of what is waiting for them, would be paralyzing. Shoot, the Israelites had to wait 80 years before entering the Promise Land, a place which God Himself told them to possess, because of their fear. Well, I don't know if I'd consider it brave, but I'll take courageous.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." ~Ambrose Redmoon

God's call and direction, His glory are definitely more important than fear. So there are a lot of unknowns, so what? It only took God three days to put everything in place for me to get here. Clearly He has a plan, and His timing is perfect....always.

Desperately Seeking Solitude

"The soul is like a wild animal - tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy, self-sufficient. It knows how to survive in hard places. But it is also shy. Just like a wild animal, it seeks safety in the dense underbrush. If we want to see a wild animal, we know that the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods yelling for it to come out. But if we will walk quietly into the woods, sit patiently by the base of the tree, and fade into our surrounding, the wild animal we seek might put in an appearance." ~Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness

I'm reading through the book Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton, and before I left for India I read the second chapter in preparation for my next meeting with my Aunt. The chapter is on solitude and creating space for God. I remember little about the chapter, having read it a couple weeks ago, in the midst of getting ready for India and heading back to school. So I came back to the book to re-read the chapter, and that quote was the first thing I read. It hit me - BAM - very unlike the first time I read it.

My soul has been in hiding. It's resilient to be sure, because in the midst of this hard, chaotic experience it's still here. I know this with such certainty because two days ago this wild animal cried out in pain and frustration as it needed to roam and have a space to just be. It's a busy schedule we keep, with constant, in-your-face type confrontation of poor and helpless people, in a loud, ceaselessly busy city. There is no quiet space. The sounds of the city and the people come in through all parts of the building. The windows and doors can be closed, yet the sound of honking vehicles and shouting people come through loud and clear. Much more so if you're outside.

Where, then, can a person find a place to fade into their surroundings, patiently waiting for the soul to appear? Where can one find a place of silence, quiet, solitude? This is what my soul cried out for two days ago. A quiet place to seek quietness and solitude. A place it could roam free and just be in the presence of God. Fully exposed without fear of being spooked or trampled. I'm only just beginning this journey of seeking solitude, but the recognition of my soul's need for it has been exponentially displayed and experienced on this trip. And I'm finding that there are times I have to create a place for myself. A place of solitude that is not merely external but internal as well. When you don't have a physical, tangible external location that provides a place of quiet solitude you have to get resourceful.

How did I manage, you may ask. Well, I'll tell you. Upon a teammate's recommendation I grabbed my earplugs, pillow (wrapped in a blanket), journal, Bible, pen & light, and I went to the rooftop of the building. I found a location out of the way, that was dry and least likely to be disturbed, sat on my blanket covered pillow, put in my earplugs and began to quiet myself. There were still external noises surrounding, but they were significantly muted. However, just by removing the majority of distractions, especially that of other people, and internally quieting my spirit, I was able to find the solitude my soul was so desperately seeking.

Submission and Headship

Through all the studying and reading on women's roles in the church, trying to figure out where I stand, or believe, on the subject, I missed a very crucial and important point. That no matter what I may believe or where I may stand on a subject means nothing in light of God's call on my life. There will be times that He will call me places I may not want to go, to reach out to people from very different social (even societal) circles. If I give up my rights to the plans I have for my life, to my social circles, and am obedient to God's call I will have life to the fullest.

The issue of submission is not so controversial as people might think, if they have the right perspective on it. Submission is not subjection, degradation, or completely ignoring my gifts or desires for those of someone else - not as society or even feminists would tell us. It is not a giving up of one's will, but an exercise of will. The most common relationship this is seen in is that of a husband and wife. Dr. Sarah Sumner, author of Men and Women in the Church, puts it like this, "When a wife submits to her husband, she does not give up her will. On the contrary, she exercises her will to be guided by him. That doesn't mean she becomes a child who obeys him. It means, rather, that she conforms her will to his as a means of uniting with him. (emphasis added)" It took me re-reading this book, and that passage, along with discussions with a friend, to realize a very important truth about submission, particularly as described above.

This is precisely what we do in our relationship with God!! Do you see it? When we submit ourselves to God we don't give up our will, but we exercise our will, we CHOOSE to give over our will so that God's will can guide us, so that ultimately we can be united with Him. God's plan for us is always better than our own. This fact always becomes apparent at some point in our Christian walk.

God is so good, and He doesn't leave this sacrificing of will strictly to wives. Oh no, husbands are called to sacrifice themselves for their wives too. This sacrifice is similar to submitting. Dr. Sumner puts it this way, "Something very similar happens when a husband takes the initiative to sacrifice himself for his wife. He doesn't become henpecked or lose his will to hers; on the contrary, he conforms his will to hers as a means of uniting with her. (emphasis added)" This sacrifice is what headship means. It's not leading as much of the church today would describe it, or as society views it. Instead, it is a means for a husband to lift up his wife as an equal partner, just as her submission lifts him up.

At it's core, submission is a mutual occurrence, and not one that can be forced on another. God does not force us into submitting to His will, we are responsible for the act of submitting. The relationship between God and the Body is a beautiful example of what a relationship between a husband and wife looks like. If more people would view submission and headship in this manner, in relation to God, perhaps there would be less of a power struggle between men and women, and more lifting each other up.

Continued Process

Since I began this journey to understand the controversy surrounding women in leadership I have not had any significant discussions with people that included looking at scripture and dialoguing...until today. I have been blessed to have one of my new co-workers express interest in hearing my thoughts on the subject, and be willing to sit down and have a meaningful conversation about what the Bible says, and what our church (not The Church, as in the body of believers, but specifically the church we attend) believes, as relates to women's involvement in ministry leadership. First, I have to say just how grateful I am that God brought this person to work, and through that into my life. Not only that, but the fact that he was willing to have a conversation about the subject, allowing me to share what I'm learning, even though I may not fully grasp all aspects of it yet, and not just tell me he thinks I'm wrong. He not once told me, "This is what the church believes, what the pastor teaches, and thus is how it is. End of story." He willingly admitted that he was coming from a place of, "This is what I've learned from the teaching at church, and my personal experiences, so that is the position from which I'm approaching the topic." Yet he was open and willing to learn, just as he was willing to share, teach, and discuss. It was a humbling experience, and very helpful for me to begin to formulate my questions and process my understanding of this controversial topic. There have been others I have mentioned my struggles to, admitting I don't fully understand where I find myself in the debate. But those same people have been unable, or unwilling, to engage in discussion. It seems there are many who don't know a lot about the topic, they only know what they've been taught by their churches (or church in this case, as it is the same church I currently attend). Does no one care to truly question and challenge the teachings of their leaders? Or perhaps it's that church tradition on the topic is so ingrained in us, in society, that it sounds normal and reasonable, therefore why should it be questioned. I feel as though I may be rambling, and it is likely the case. Just getting some thoughts out before I move ahead in my study and begin to focus on the issue of headship.

Women in Leadership

I recognize that there is a great debate occurring involving the role women have in leadership. As far as I can tell there are two main sides to this debate, although a third opinion may emerge. I struggle greatly with the deterministic stance many Christians take on women's involvement in leadership within the church. Specifically, the narrow interpretation of 1 Timothy 2:12. Interestingly enough, this same passage is used by both sides of the argument. I'll confess, I've not decided which side I stand on, or if I'm going to be standing on either dominant side at all. I'm still processing all I know from all I've read, learned and experienced, both first- and second-hand. I frequently bristle when someone adamantly, and staunchly, proclaims their interpretation of 1 Timothy 2:12 to be the only interpretation. However, I don't have a solid answer to the debate, for anyone, much less myself.

I ask myself why I bristle so at one interpretation over another. The one answer that always comes to mind is that I don't really like being told what I can or can't do simply because I'm a woman. Of course, it is highly probable that I'm completely misunderstanding one side's interpretation of scripture. But is that the real issue? The better question would be, is that really my issue?

I want to know and understand, to make an educated decision on this subject. I want to know that the sense of calling I have will be accepted, encouraged, utilized, and appreciated, no matter my gender. And then it hits....the deeper issue. Do I trust God's ability to call me and ensure fruition of my calling, no matter where I'm at, or the doctrine purported? If I don't the rest is moot.

Eve (part 3)

*All quotes from Captivating unless otherwise specified.

*I had to break this chapter into 3 parts, it was just way too long. Now, without further ado, the final installment on Eve.

Beauty to Unveil

"Beauty is essential to God. No--that's not putting it strongly enough. Beauty is the essence of God." (pg. 34)

"Nature is not primarily functional. It is primarily beautiful." (pg. 34)

When you look at everything around you, in particular nature, what's your first response to it, your first thought? Do you see the beauty in it? Because that's what it is. The sky, in it's various stages and colors. The mountains or the ocean as the sun is setting and rising. The flowers in the field, the birds and their songs. All of it, beautiful. Yes, nature has a functional purpose, but that's not the primary reason for it's creation. All was created to show the glory of God. Therefore, it's beauty is the primary purpose. And this in itself shows us that the very essence of God is beauty.

"Beauty is the essence of a woman. We want to be perfectly clear that we mean both a physical beauty and a soulful/spiritual beauty. The one depends upon and flows out of the other. Yes, the world cheapens and prostitutes beauty, making it all about a perfect figure few women can attain. But Christians minimize it too, or overspiritualize it, making it all about 'character.' We must recover the prize of Beauty. The church must take it back. Beauty is too vital to lose. God gave Eve a beautiful form and a beautiful spirit. She expresses beauty in both. Better, she expresses beauty simply in who she is. Like God, it is her essence." (pg. 36)

Too often we look to the outward to determine beauty. When describing one person to another, in particular someone whom may not be "beautiful" by society's standards, we say they have a great personality or something of the like. There's a scene from the movie When Harry Met Sally that gives a perfect example of this. When Harry is trying to set up his best guy friend with Sally, and Sally's trying to set up her best girlfriend with Harry, there's a scene where Harry & Jess are talking about Sally. It comes down to Jess believing that, because Harry says Sally's attractive, and has a great personality, she's not beautiful. It's an interesting conversation, for those who haven't seen the movie, watch it. You'll get it.

But beauty is essential for women, it's essential to women. All women want to be viewed as beautiful, inside and out. There are some women who, despite all their outward beauty, have such ugly hearts that their outward appearance doesn't even matter anymore. While there are women who aboslutely radiate beauty because of the beauty in their hearts. They say beauty is skin deep. That's society's idea of beauty, not God's. To God, beauty goes much deeper. Beauty is soul deep.

"Beauty is powerful. It may be the most powerful thing on earth. It is dangerous. Because it matters. Let us try and explain why.

"[B]eauty speaks.....beauty says, All shall be well. And this is what it's like to be with a woman at rest, a woman comfortable in her feminine beauty. She is enjoyable to be with. She is lovely. In her presence your heart stops holding it's breath. You relax and believe once again that all will be well. And this is also why a woman who is striving is so disturbing, for a woman who is not at rest in her heart says to the world, 'All is not well. Things are not going to turn out all right.'...We need what Beauty speaks. What it says is hard to put into words. But part of its message is that all is well. All will be well.

Which woman do you find yourself to be most often? Are you at rest? What is your beauty speaking to those around you?

"Beauty also invites. Recall what it is like to hear a truly beautiful piece of music. It captures you; you want to sit down and just drink it in....(This is not visual, showing us that beauty is deeper than looks.)Music like this commands your attention, invites you to come more deeply into it....We describe a great book as 'captivating.' It draws you in, holds your attention. You can't wait to get back to it, spend time with it. All of the responses that God wants of us. All of the responses a woman wants too. Beauty invites.

I know that I want to be that woman that someone can't wait to get back to, can't wait to spend time with. I also want to respond to God this way. I've learned that the more time I take in being intentional about pursuing God, the greater the desire to go back to Him. The greater the desire to spend time with Him, where I can't wait for that time to come in my day where I get to just sit at His feet, soaking in His love and His truth through His Word.

"Beauty nourishes....a woman's body is one of the most beautiful of all God's creations....It nourishes, offers life.

"Beauty comforts.There is something profoundly healing about it. Have you ever wondered why we send flowers to the bereaved? In the midst of their suffering and loss, only a gift of beauty says enough, or says it right....Beauty comforts. It soothes the soul.

"Beauty inspires....[A]s Jack Nicholson says to Helen Hunt at the end of As Good As It Gets, 'You make me want to be a better man.' Isn't it true? Think of what it might have been like to have been in the presence of a woman like Mother Teresa. Her life was so beautiful, and it called us to something higher....Beauty inspires.

"Beauty is transcendent.....Beauty draws us to God....All these things are true for any experience of Beauty. But they are especially true when we experience the beauty of a woman--her eyes, her form, her voice, her heart, her spirit, her life. She speaks all of this far more profoundly than anything else in all creation, because she is incarnate; she is personal." (pp.37-40)

While flowers, mountains and oceans may be scenic and beautiful, nothing speaks of beauty the way a woman does. When you encounter the beauty of a woman, all else fades into the background. Such as it is with God. When you experience Him, when you experience His beauty, everything else is dim in comparison. Nothing else matters.

"Beauty is, without question, the most essential and the most misunderstood of all of God's qualities--of all feminine qualities too....A woman knows, down in her soul, that she longs to bring beauty to the world. She might be mistaken on how (something every woman struggles with), but she longs for a beauty to unveil. This is not just culture, or the need to 'get a man.' This is in her heart, part of her design." (pp. 40-41)

Show me a woman who doesn't desire to be beautiful, to even hear that she is beautiful, and I'll show you a woman so hurt by this world that she's lying to herself as much as to others.

"One of the deepest ways a woman bears the image of God is in her mystery. By 'mystery' we don't mean 'forever beyond our knowing,' but 'something to be explored.' (Prov. 25:2)....God yearns to be known. But he wants to be sought after by those who would know him....(Jer.29:13). There is dignity here; God does not throw himself at any passerby. He is no harlot. If you would know him you must love him; you must seek him with your whole heart. This is crucial to any woman's soul, not to mention her sexuality. 'You cannot simply have me. You must seek me, pursue me. I won't let you in unless I know you love me.'" (pg. 41)

And yet, how often do we women ignore that desire to be sought after and simply throw ourselves at men in our lives? We recklessly give our hearts to those who would show interest in us, instead of guarding it until they prove to be truly worthy of being let in. Not to say that men aren't worthy, but not all men should be granted access to the deepest recesses of our hearts. That ought to be reserved for God first, and only then to the man who would pursue it for honorable, pure, and loving reasons. The same goes for our bodies.

"Just like God, a woman is not a problem to be solved, but a vast wonder to be enjoyed. This is so true of her sexuality. Few women can or even want to 'just do it.' Foreplay is crucial to her heart, the whispering and loving and exploring of one another that culminates in intercourse. That is a picture of what it means to love her soul. She yearns to be known and that takes time and intimacy. It requires an unveiling. As she is sought after, she reveals more of her beauty. As she unveils her beauty, she draws us to know her more deeply." (pp 41-42)

"Whatever else it means to be feminine, it is depth and mystery and complexity, with beauty as its very essence. Now, lest despair set in, let us say as clearly as we can:

Every woman has a beauty to unveil.
Every woman.

Because she bears the image of God. She doesn't have to conjure it, go get it from a salon, have plastic surgery or breast implants. No, beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation." (pg. 42)

Do you women hear that? You don't have to go "get" beauty, it's been give you already. God gave you beauty the day you were created! Every woman!

"...it is God who longs for Romance; it is God who longs to be our ezer; it is God who reveals beauty as essential to life. You are the image bearer of this God. That is why you long for those things too. There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs." (pg. 42)

The desire for romance, to be beautiful, is not silly, nor wrong. It's built in to who you are and whose image you represent! You are beautiful, and you are desperately needed!

*The following was originally in here earlier, but I didn't feel it fit quite as well with where I was going. So, I've sort of added it as a side note. A little lesson for us all.

"...Adam is captured best in motion, doing something. His essence is strength in action. That is what he speaks to the world. He bears the image of God, who is a warrior. On behalf of God, Adam says, 'God will come through. God is on the move.' That is why a passive man is so disturbing. His passivity defies his very essence. It violates the way he bears God's image. A passive man says, 'God will not come through. He is not acting on your behalf.'" (pp. 36-37)

It's sad, really, that we are seeing a greater amount of passivity in men these days. Society and culture, even Christian culture at times, do not encourage men to be warriors. Their strength is being sapped away by the need for women to be more than they were created to be. This is not to say that women can't be strong, or warriors in their own right, but when it comes at the cost of emasculating our men, something's not right.

Overwhelmed

I was sitting in a leader's training meeting after the church service on Sunday, and as I sat there, I was overwhelmed with the desire to cry. I can't fully explain it. I think it might've been a conglomeration of things that occurred that day. I'd been feeling pretty anxious about my financial situation, which was grim to say the least, and with my parents' 30th anniversary coming up, I was desperately wanting to do something. However, my circumstances weren't even going to allow me to go down to their place to visit, much less contribute to a gift, or dinner or something. Then, I was told that some support had come in to the church for me. My heart did a happy dance, because now I'd be able to do something, even if it wasn't much.

After the service, I was working on trying to get the sermon recording cleaned up and ready to put on the website. At the same time, trying to answer questions for multiple people, including those who wanted copies of the sermon, and previous sermons as well. I finally got all that taken care of just as this leader's meeting was getting ready to start. I hadn't really eaten lunch, but instead, ate one of those chocolate chocolate chip muffins from Costco that I'd brought with me. Healthy, I know.

So, I'm sitting next to the pastor's wife, while her husband was chilling on the floor, keeping an eye on their son. It was when the pastor moved up to the chair to sit next to his wife, and put his arm around her, that I became so overwhelmed with the desire to start crying.

I was overcome with thankfulness for how God had provided for me, but along with that was this deep sense of longing and desire for that which I'm still waiting on Him to provide. A husband. The sermon that morning had been on brokenness. I definitely feel broken, in multiple areas of my life. Finances and relationships being two of them. I learned a lot about what it means to be broken, and how I ought to handle these times of my life.

Waiting in anticipation of what God will teach me next.

More Thoughts on Oswald

From My Utmost For His Highest Feb. 22

"Be still, and know that I am God..." (Psalm 46:10)

"Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling. Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for -- love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men -- will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.

"If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, 'because you have kept My command to persevere...' (Revelation 3:10).

"Continue to persevere spiritually."

When I first wrote thoughts on this, it was the issue of our hopes and dreams that I wrote about. Honestly, when I first read it, that wasn't what stuck out to me, but at the time I began writing, it was as if there was something else I needed to say. Anway, originally, it was the concept of perseverance that originally caught my attention, since it is the main topic. I believe God's taught me a lot about perseverance, especially during the 3 years I raised support. Of course, He also taught me a lot about endurance. The two do seem to go hand in hand.

However, as Oswald describes perseverance, I smack my head. "I could've had a V-8!" Kidding. Anyway, all of a sudden, things make a little more sense. I've always had this sense of exactly what he says perseverance isn't. I always thought of it as hanging on by the skin of my teeth, barely getting through, but getting through. There's a much stronger element of faith involved in persevering. Faith that God will win, will come through, and in such amazing ways as we could ever hope. Faith that, despite moments, or even years, of silence, God will answer, and speak to us. As we are obedient to Him, to the truths we believe, to the path we're called to (even when it feels like it goes on without change), He is continuing to work through us and in us. Persevering is continuing to pursue Him and His will, even when it seems like there are no answers, because we hold on to faith in His abilities, power, strength, and love.

Eve (part 2)

*Again, all quotes are from Captivating unless otherwise specified.

"An Adventure to Share"

"Call it the Human Mission--to be all and do all God sent us here to do. And notice--the mission to be fruitful and conquer and hold sway is given both to Adam and to Eve. 'And God said to them...' Eve is standing right there when God give the world over to us." (pg. 31)

We women have just as much of a role to play in the story as Adam did. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently. Men are not to dominate all, including us, we are to do things together. We are to share the adventure God gave us. I believe this is the reason why so many people long to find a significant other. We long to share our lives with someone else. To partake in an adventure together, to share in life's ups and downs, to laugh and cry with, to experience joys and pains with.

"When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo.....Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is 'notoriously difficult to translate.'....Alter is getting close when he translates it 'sustainer beside him.' The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately." (pg. 31; references Deut. 33:26,29; Ps. 121:1-2; Ps. 20:1-2; Ps. 33:20; Ps. 115:9-11, note the words help or helper)

Note that only Eve & God are described with the word ezer. That's pretty significant. Women were created to fulfill a desperately needed role. Look at the phrase "sustainer beside him." Sustainer, one who sustains. (Here's a link for the various definitions of the word sustain. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Sustainer) There are many definitions, all of which work extremely well with the second half of the phrase, beside him. Meaning, next to him, not under him, not over, but beside. Quite literally, a helper, but in a greatly significant way. Eve was created to help provide for Adam, to encourage him, but also to withstand with him. Think about it, to withstand, to bear up under. Eve was created to bear up under hardships with Adam. Neither is meant to go it alone.

"Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he is not there beside you...you are dead. A better translation therefore of ezer would be 'lifesaver.' Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart. You see, the life God calls us to is not a safe life....God calls us to a life involving frequent risks and many dangers. Why else would we need him to be our ezer? You don't need a lifesaver if your mission is to be a couch potato. You need an ezer when your life is in constant danger." (pg. 32)

Those living their lives in pursuit of God's will know just how dangerous life can be. We are called to live dangerously, not to sit idly letting life pass us by. Therefore, we need a "lifesaver counterpart." Ultimately that is God. Only He can save us from the dangers we face, for they are not always physical dangers, but spiritual ones.

"That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure--that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him--desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place." (pg. 33)

Thoughts On Oswald Chambers

The following is Feb. 22nd's entry in My Utmost For His Highest.

"Be still, and know that I am God..." (Psalm 46:10)

"Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling. Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for -- love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men -- will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.

"If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, 'because you have kept My command to persevere...' (Revelation 3:10).

"Continue to persevere spiritually." (emphasis mine)

This would be the second time in a week that that verse from Psalm has come up. Two very different situations, and even somewhat different applications. Yet the message remains the same. It's two fold. Be still and know that I am God. "Be still," to me, says to be quiet. To stop going, stop talking, stop moving, even stop thinking so much, and simply listen. It's good to talk to God, ask for His help, share with Him that which I desire, but it's just as important to stop and actually listen for His answers. Crucial even.

"Know that I am God." Ok, He's God. What does it mean to know that? I don't think in the typical way that we know something intellectually, but more in the sense that we are to trust in who He is. Trust in His power, His knowledge, His presence. For He is omnipotent (all powerful), omniscient (all knowing), and omnipresent (all/ever present). We are to trust that He is far more capable of handling the problems in our lives than we are, given we bring them before Him. We are to entrust our hurts, cares, worries, and joys to Him, and simply let them be.

Our hopes, too, are to be entrusted to Him. And as Oswald so perfectly puts it, "But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God." Waiting is always the hardest part (I do believe there's a song for that statement, and it's running through my head). Reality is, we want our hopes, our dreams, to be a reality, but we want them to be instantaneously met, no waiting. Yet, it is that waiting that purifies them, forms them more into God's will, instead of them simply being our own. God works on us during that time of waiting, often to bring us into alignment with Him, and to bring our hopes into alignment with His plan for us. The hope doesn't change, but is, instead, perfected, and thus creates more joy than if it had been granted as it was, without His purifying work.

And such as feels to be my life at the moment. I find myself in a place of disappointed hopes. However, I can see that they are merely being purified and perfected to God's will, His good, pleasing and perfect will.

Eve (part 1)

~All quotes from Captivating, unless otherwise specified.

"From water and stone, to pomegranate and rose, to leopard and nightingale, creation ascends in beauty....The greatest of all masterpieces is emerging. What was once formless and empty is now overflowing with life and color and sound and movement in a thousand variations. Most importantly, notice that each creature is more intricate and noble and mysterious than the last. A cricket is amazing, but it cannot compare to a wild horse....In one last flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch....Given the way creation unfolds, how it builds to ever higher and higher works of art, can there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God's final touch, his pièce de résistance. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill." (pp. 24-25)

I am irreplaceable, that's what this says to me. Not just because I'm me, and have giftings that God has given me. No, I'm irreplaceable because I am a woman. God didn't make me as an afterthought. I also wasn't created just so I could wait on some guy hand and foot, never to be appreciated, loved, thanked, or cared for. In fact, I was the final work of art created by a loving Master who knew exactly what He was doing. And created in His image to top it off.

"God wanted to reveal something about himself, so he gave us Eve. When you are with a woman, ask yourself, what is she telling me about God? It will open up wonders for you.

"First, you'll discover that God is relational to his core, that he has a heart for romance. Second, that he longs to share adventures with us--adventures you cannot accomplish without him. And finally, that God has a beauty to unveil. A beauty that is captivating and powerfully redemptive." (pg. 26)

"Man's love is of man's life a thing apart
'Tis a woman's whole existence."
~Byron (pg. 26)

"Whatever else we know about women, we know they are relational creatures to their cores. While little boys are killing one another in mock battles on the playground, little girls are negotiating relationships....This is so second nature, so assumed among women, that it goes unnoticed by them....Most women define themselves in terms of their relationships, and the quality they deem those relationships to have....This is not a weakness in women--it is a glory. A glory that reflects the heart of God." (pp. 27-28)

Boy howdy, is there truth in that! As a woman, I frequently think about the relationships I have with others, and whether or not they're going well. Am I succeeding as a friend, sister, daughter, etc. As a single woman, I especially find myself often thinking on romantic relationships (or lack of them) and wondering if somehow I'm failing in that area of my life. All relationships are important, but most important is our relationship with God. As relational creatures, you'd think that women would have an easier time investing in that relationship, cultivating it and growing closer to our Creator. Personally, I've found the opposite to be true. I get so distracted by my other relationships that I sometimes forget to spend any time investing in the one relationship that matters, and affects all the others.

"The vast desire and capacity a woman has for intimate relationships tells us of God's vast desire and capacity for intimate relationships. In fact, this may be the most important thing we ever learn about God--that he yearns for relationship with us. 'Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God' (John 17:3). The whole story of the Bible is a love story between God and his people. He yearns for us. He cares. He has a tender heart." (pg. 28)

"Not only does God long for us, but he longs to be loved by us. Oh, how we've missed this. How many of you see God as longing to be loved by you? We see him as strong and powerful, but not as needing us, vulnerable to us, yearning to be desired. But as I wrote in Wild at Heart,

After years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, 'Why won't you choose me?' It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. 'You will find me,' says the Lord, 'when you seek me with all your heart' (Jer. 29:13). In other words, 'Look for me, pursue me--I want you to pursue me.' As Tozer says, 'God waits to be wanted.'

"Can there be any doubt that God wants to be sought after? The first and greatest of all commands is to love him (Mark 12:29-30, Matt. 22:36-38). He wants us to love him. To seek him with all our hearts. A woman longs to be sought after, too, with the whole heart of her pursuer. God longs to be desired. Just as a woman longs to be desired. This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired....God feels the same way. Remember the story of Martha and Mary? Mary chose God, and Jesus said that that is what he wanted. 'Mary has chosen what is better' (Luke 10:42)." (pp. 28-29)

To all women, let me say, I've always had a hard time with the longing to be desired, to be sought after. To know that it's not a fault or a weakness, but it's a reflection of God's own heart, is freeing. No, it's not something to dwell on, but it's legitimate to feel that longing. It's ok to talk about it, it's ok to feel it. It's not ok to let it become your whole life.

"This whole world was made for romance--the rivers and the glens, the meadows and beaches. Flowers, music, a kiss. But we have a way of forgetting all that, losing ourselves in work and worry. Eve--God's message to the world in feminine form--invites us to romance. Through her, God makes romance a priority of the universe....Tender and inviting, intimate and alluring, fiercely devoted. Oh yes, our God has a passionate, romantic heart. Just look at Eve." (pg. 30)

Have you let God romance you yet? If romance is a priority, then we need to make sure we're experiencing it. First, from a loving God who not only wants to be desired, but desires to romance us. Simply look at creation, and you'll see all the ways in which He does so. You don't have to go far, just step out of your front door. Watch the sunrise or the sunset. Look to the beauty of flowers growing wild, or even of the bouquets in the grocery store. Listen to the music of His creation. Know it was all made for you, to romance you.

Worry Not

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matthew 6:25-34

This passage seems to be the theme for the day. For I have come across parts of it in two different settings. First, today's reading in My Utmost for His Highest, which references 6:30. Second, today's passage selection from Bible Verses for Myspace, which references 6:31-33. And while it's a good reminder for all, I believe it's meant to be a reminder for me, today especially.

Last night I watched a dvd with my grandfather, "Close Encounters of the God Kind." The speaker, Jesse Duplantis, was sharing with his audience the various close encounters he's had with God, all to lead up to one encounter in particular. That of his visit to heaven. (I say that quite literally, and do not desire to debate the man's experience.) The main point of his message being that Jesus is coming.

While his experiences struck me, and in a way, inspired me, it was the genuine nature of his relationship with God that stayed with me the most. Such a seemingly simple thing, it was, yet something I find so difficult at times. His faith, and trust, so implicit. The closeness he expresses and shares. A passionate love for his Saviour, but most importantly, his friend. Jesus is his friend. And the though struck me, do I treat Jesus that way? Do I consider Jesus as my friend?

Before going to bed, I prayed that I too could experience Jesus the way Mr. Duplantis seems to experience and know Him. That He would be the ultimate desire of my heart. That the first thought in the morning and the last before bed would be of Him.

This seems a tangent from where I first started, I know, but bear with me. Such was my prayer last night. This morning, upon reading from Oswald, and then the Bible Verse for myspace, I realized that part of what's keeping me from my desire is my ability to let the worries of the world consume me. I allow the worries for the other desires of my heart surpass my desire for God. But I am not to worry about anything. It doesn't do any good, but it's also not how God created me to behave. The birds of the air and flowers of the field do exactly as God created them to. And God takes care of them. So also, should I.

I can't worry about J or if his heart will ever change towards me. I should only concern myself with Jesus, with loving Him and building my friendship with Him. Jesus needs to be my best friend, above all others. He needs to be my first lover, before anyone else can be. My Jesus, my God, my friend.