Too Many Emotions

I don't know if there's really such a thing as too many emotions, but that's certainly how I feel right now. Like there're too many emotions flowing through my heart, mind & body. There's some excitement and nervousness at the prospect of a growing friendship. He certainly has been trying to hang out more, despite my inadvertent destroyer like attempts at shooting him down. I don't want to shoot him down, I want to spend time with him and get to know him. I'm trying to be better about compromising so that there is time to give to him. I'm still not sure what I think about him, because I don't know him. I do have a good time, usually, when I'm with him. He's entertaining at least, and I seem to be able to make him laugh. He doesn't mind my sarcastic, witty nature, which is a plus. I'm working really hard to let him take the lead, put forth the effort. If he really wants to spend time with me, get to know me, he'll keep trying. I don't have to constantly try to make something work. I need to be available, as best I can, but be ready to come up with an alternative when the first choice doesn't work. I'm trying to let him pursue me, if that's what he's wanting to do. Lord let me stay so.

The Wall of Feeling

I've hit a wall.....or maybe I've let one down, and not at the most opportune moment. I should probably know better than to drink with him, I should definitely know better than to respond to his flirting, however "innocent" it might be. Innocent to whom anyway? He knows what he's doing and yet doesn't want to take responsibility for it? I've come to realize, even through the fog of memory, that he started it in the first damn place. Maybe he thinks it's ok, 'cause we're just friends, he is dating someone after all. Which makes it all the harder for me. I'm beginning to see myself as "the other woman" without any of the benefits of being such, if there are truly benefits to be had in that. I know I'm not viewed in that light, anyway. Why is it that when we're out doing something fun, even with others around, he acts this way? Why is it that he can still get me so riled up, that he can get my blood boiling? How is it that we can frustrate each other so, and yet not be able to do a damn thing about it? How is it that it means nothing? Whoo, I'm appreciated, I'm amazing (so says he), but why do I still feel not good enough? He says it's something to look forward to, this being able to frustrate each other so. What the hell? It's only something to look forward to if it's occurring with someone I'm dating, or married to, not someone who just wants to be friends, who's dating another woman. Why the hell would I look forward to that with him when he's not mine? I've no right to him, no claim on him, and he sure as hell doesn't on me. He didn't say something last night, because it wouldn't have come out right. Fine, I can accept that, I probably didn't really want to hear it anyway, it just would've been more hurtful. I let him hug me good-bye in the car....a side hug of sorts, as I didn't hug him back. He rubbed my arm and told me how thankful he was that I had gone that night, and how it was nice to have someone to hip bump with, at which point a memory comes rushing back of a blog previously written by him from the last time he saw this band. And how, I was the one who would've appreciated it all, but he could only stand to be around in small doses. I couldn't stay there anymore in the car....I had so badly wanted to kiss him up until that point, then all I wanted to do was get away from him and cry. I thought I was past all that. I've been resigned to him dating someone else, and trying to move on. He cares for me, just not in that way. He's thankful for me, and appreciates me, and apparently thinks I'm amazing, not to mention is in some way attracted to me, if he wasn't, I shouldn't be able to cause such a reaction, but it's not enough. It certainly adds to the feeling that I'm not enough, and at the same time, I've been a bit too much where he's concerned, or at least been made to feel that way. I thought I was past it, but I was wrong.

Freedom

I've now been asked for my phone number by two guys since getting involved with BSF. It's kind of exciting. Now, the only problem is whether or not they'll actually call me. The first hasn't so far, but we'll see what happens. The other suggested we should go get coffee sometime. I'm hoping he calls, but trying not be overly hopeful at the same time.

Part of the reason this is so exciting is, of course, because it's something of a boost for my self-esteem. Secondly, I'm actually excited about the prospect of getting to know other guys. The freedom has come in being able to get excited, even anticipatory, of new men being a part of my life, of being able to like someone else. Things are moving forward, and I'm moving on. Some things are still hard at times, but I've realized that I need to start spending time with other people. Otherwise, my heart can't heal, and I won't be able to have a normal relationship with someone who wants to be with me.

Eve (part 3)

*All quotes from Captivating unless otherwise specified.

*I had to break this chapter into 3 parts, it was just way too long. Now, without further ado, the final installment on Eve.

Beauty to Unveil

"Beauty is essential to God. No--that's not putting it strongly enough. Beauty is the essence of God." (pg. 34)

"Nature is not primarily functional. It is primarily beautiful." (pg. 34)

When you look at everything around you, in particular nature, what's your first response to it, your first thought? Do you see the beauty in it? Because that's what it is. The sky, in it's various stages and colors. The mountains or the ocean as the sun is setting and rising. The flowers in the field, the birds and their songs. All of it, beautiful. Yes, nature has a functional purpose, but that's not the primary reason for it's creation. All was created to show the glory of God. Therefore, it's beauty is the primary purpose. And this in itself shows us that the very essence of God is beauty.

"Beauty is the essence of a woman. We want to be perfectly clear that we mean both a physical beauty and a soulful/spiritual beauty. The one depends upon and flows out of the other. Yes, the world cheapens and prostitutes beauty, making it all about a perfect figure few women can attain. But Christians minimize it too, or overspiritualize it, making it all about 'character.' We must recover the prize of Beauty. The church must take it back. Beauty is too vital to lose. God gave Eve a beautiful form and a beautiful spirit. She expresses beauty in both. Better, she expresses beauty simply in who she is. Like God, it is her essence." (pg. 36)

Too often we look to the outward to determine beauty. When describing one person to another, in particular someone whom may not be "beautiful" by society's standards, we say they have a great personality or something of the like. There's a scene from the movie When Harry Met Sally that gives a perfect example of this. When Harry is trying to set up his best guy friend with Sally, and Sally's trying to set up her best girlfriend with Harry, there's a scene where Harry & Jess are talking about Sally. It comes down to Jess believing that, because Harry says Sally's attractive, and has a great personality, she's not beautiful. It's an interesting conversation, for those who haven't seen the movie, watch it. You'll get it.

But beauty is essential for women, it's essential to women. All women want to be viewed as beautiful, inside and out. There are some women who, despite all their outward beauty, have such ugly hearts that their outward appearance doesn't even matter anymore. While there are women who aboslutely radiate beauty because of the beauty in their hearts. They say beauty is skin deep. That's society's idea of beauty, not God's. To God, beauty goes much deeper. Beauty is soul deep.

"Beauty is powerful. It may be the most powerful thing on earth. It is dangerous. Because it matters. Let us try and explain why.

"[B]eauty speaks.....beauty says, All shall be well. And this is what it's like to be with a woman at rest, a woman comfortable in her feminine beauty. She is enjoyable to be with. She is lovely. In her presence your heart stops holding it's breath. You relax and believe once again that all will be well. And this is also why a woman who is striving is so disturbing, for a woman who is not at rest in her heart says to the world, 'All is not well. Things are not going to turn out all right.'...We need what Beauty speaks. What it says is hard to put into words. But part of its message is that all is well. All will be well.

Which woman do you find yourself to be most often? Are you at rest? What is your beauty speaking to those around you?

"Beauty also invites. Recall what it is like to hear a truly beautiful piece of music. It captures you; you want to sit down and just drink it in....(This is not visual, showing us that beauty is deeper than looks.)Music like this commands your attention, invites you to come more deeply into it....We describe a great book as 'captivating.' It draws you in, holds your attention. You can't wait to get back to it, spend time with it. All of the responses that God wants of us. All of the responses a woman wants too. Beauty invites.

I know that I want to be that woman that someone can't wait to get back to, can't wait to spend time with. I also want to respond to God this way. I've learned that the more time I take in being intentional about pursuing God, the greater the desire to go back to Him. The greater the desire to spend time with Him, where I can't wait for that time to come in my day where I get to just sit at His feet, soaking in His love and His truth through His Word.

"Beauty nourishes....a woman's body is one of the most beautiful of all God's creations....It nourishes, offers life.

"Beauty comforts.There is something profoundly healing about it. Have you ever wondered why we send flowers to the bereaved? In the midst of their suffering and loss, only a gift of beauty says enough, or says it right....Beauty comforts. It soothes the soul.

"Beauty inspires....[A]s Jack Nicholson says to Helen Hunt at the end of As Good As It Gets, 'You make me want to be a better man.' Isn't it true? Think of what it might have been like to have been in the presence of a woman like Mother Teresa. Her life was so beautiful, and it called us to something higher....Beauty inspires.

"Beauty is transcendent.....Beauty draws us to God....All these things are true for any experience of Beauty. But they are especially true when we experience the beauty of a woman--her eyes, her form, her voice, her heart, her spirit, her life. She speaks all of this far more profoundly than anything else in all creation, because she is incarnate; she is personal." (pp.37-40)

While flowers, mountains and oceans may be scenic and beautiful, nothing speaks of beauty the way a woman does. When you encounter the beauty of a woman, all else fades into the background. Such as it is with God. When you experience Him, when you experience His beauty, everything else is dim in comparison. Nothing else matters.

"Beauty is, without question, the most essential and the most misunderstood of all of God's qualities--of all feminine qualities too....A woman knows, down in her soul, that she longs to bring beauty to the world. She might be mistaken on how (something every woman struggles with), but she longs for a beauty to unveil. This is not just culture, or the need to 'get a man.' This is in her heart, part of her design." (pp. 40-41)

Show me a woman who doesn't desire to be beautiful, to even hear that she is beautiful, and I'll show you a woman so hurt by this world that she's lying to herself as much as to others.

"One of the deepest ways a woman bears the image of God is in her mystery. By 'mystery' we don't mean 'forever beyond our knowing,' but 'something to be explored.' (Prov. 25:2)....God yearns to be known. But he wants to be sought after by those who would know him....(Jer.29:13). There is dignity here; God does not throw himself at any passerby. He is no harlot. If you would know him you must love him; you must seek him with your whole heart. This is crucial to any woman's soul, not to mention her sexuality. 'You cannot simply have me. You must seek me, pursue me. I won't let you in unless I know you love me.'" (pg. 41)

And yet, how often do we women ignore that desire to be sought after and simply throw ourselves at men in our lives? We recklessly give our hearts to those who would show interest in us, instead of guarding it until they prove to be truly worthy of being let in. Not to say that men aren't worthy, but not all men should be granted access to the deepest recesses of our hearts. That ought to be reserved for God first, and only then to the man who would pursue it for honorable, pure, and loving reasons. The same goes for our bodies.

"Just like God, a woman is not a problem to be solved, but a vast wonder to be enjoyed. This is so true of her sexuality. Few women can or even want to 'just do it.' Foreplay is crucial to her heart, the whispering and loving and exploring of one another that culminates in intercourse. That is a picture of what it means to love her soul. She yearns to be known and that takes time and intimacy. It requires an unveiling. As she is sought after, she reveals more of her beauty. As she unveils her beauty, she draws us to know her more deeply." (pp 41-42)

"Whatever else it means to be feminine, it is depth and mystery and complexity, with beauty as its very essence. Now, lest despair set in, let us say as clearly as we can:

Every woman has a beauty to unveil.
Every woman.

Because she bears the image of God. She doesn't have to conjure it, go get it from a salon, have plastic surgery or breast implants. No, beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation." (pg. 42)

Do you women hear that? You don't have to go "get" beauty, it's been give you already. God gave you beauty the day you were created! Every woman!

"...it is God who longs for Romance; it is God who longs to be our ezer; it is God who reveals beauty as essential to life. You are the image bearer of this God. That is why you long for those things too. There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs." (pg. 42)

The desire for romance, to be beautiful, is not silly, nor wrong. It's built in to who you are and whose image you represent! You are beautiful, and you are desperately needed!

*The following was originally in here earlier, but I didn't feel it fit quite as well with where I was going. So, I've sort of added it as a side note. A little lesson for us all.

"...Adam is captured best in motion, doing something. His essence is strength in action. That is what he speaks to the world. He bears the image of God, who is a warrior. On behalf of God, Adam says, 'God will come through. God is on the move.' That is why a passive man is so disturbing. His passivity defies his very essence. It violates the way he bears God's image. A passive man says, 'God will not come through. He is not acting on your behalf.'" (pp. 36-37)

It's sad, really, that we are seeing a greater amount of passivity in men these days. Society and culture, even Christian culture at times, do not encourage men to be warriors. Their strength is being sapped away by the need for women to be more than they were created to be. This is not to say that women can't be strong, or warriors in their own right, but when it comes at the cost of emasculating our men, something's not right.

Overwhelmed

I was sitting in a leader's training meeting after the church service on Sunday, and as I sat there, I was overwhelmed with the desire to cry. I can't fully explain it. I think it might've been a conglomeration of things that occurred that day. I'd been feeling pretty anxious about my financial situation, which was grim to say the least, and with my parents' 30th anniversary coming up, I was desperately wanting to do something. However, my circumstances weren't even going to allow me to go down to their place to visit, much less contribute to a gift, or dinner or something. Then, I was told that some support had come in to the church for me. My heart did a happy dance, because now I'd be able to do something, even if it wasn't much.

After the service, I was working on trying to get the sermon recording cleaned up and ready to put on the website. At the same time, trying to answer questions for multiple people, including those who wanted copies of the sermon, and previous sermons as well. I finally got all that taken care of just as this leader's meeting was getting ready to start. I hadn't really eaten lunch, but instead, ate one of those chocolate chocolate chip muffins from Costco that I'd brought with me. Healthy, I know.

So, I'm sitting next to the pastor's wife, while her husband was chilling on the floor, keeping an eye on their son. It was when the pastor moved up to the chair to sit next to his wife, and put his arm around her, that I became so overwhelmed with the desire to start crying.

I was overcome with thankfulness for how God had provided for me, but along with that was this deep sense of longing and desire for that which I'm still waiting on Him to provide. A husband. The sermon that morning had been on brokenness. I definitely feel broken, in multiple areas of my life. Finances and relationships being two of them. I learned a lot about what it means to be broken, and how I ought to handle these times of my life.

Waiting in anticipation of what God will teach me next.

More Thoughts on Oswald

From My Utmost For His Highest Feb. 22

"Be still, and know that I am God..." (Psalm 46:10)

"Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling. Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for -- love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men -- will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.

"If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, 'because you have kept My command to persevere...' (Revelation 3:10).

"Continue to persevere spiritually."

When I first wrote thoughts on this, it was the issue of our hopes and dreams that I wrote about. Honestly, when I first read it, that wasn't what stuck out to me, but at the time I began writing, it was as if there was something else I needed to say. Anway, originally, it was the concept of perseverance that originally caught my attention, since it is the main topic. I believe God's taught me a lot about perseverance, especially during the 3 years I raised support. Of course, He also taught me a lot about endurance. The two do seem to go hand in hand.

However, as Oswald describes perseverance, I smack my head. "I could've had a V-8!" Kidding. Anyway, all of a sudden, things make a little more sense. I've always had this sense of exactly what he says perseverance isn't. I always thought of it as hanging on by the skin of my teeth, barely getting through, but getting through. There's a much stronger element of faith involved in persevering. Faith that God will win, will come through, and in such amazing ways as we could ever hope. Faith that, despite moments, or even years, of silence, God will answer, and speak to us. As we are obedient to Him, to the truths we believe, to the path we're called to (even when it feels like it goes on without change), He is continuing to work through us and in us. Persevering is continuing to pursue Him and His will, even when it seems like there are no answers, because we hold on to faith in His abilities, power, strength, and love.

Eve (part 2)

*Again, all quotes are from Captivating unless otherwise specified.

"An Adventure to Share"

"Call it the Human Mission--to be all and do all God sent us here to do. And notice--the mission to be fruitful and conquer and hold sway is given both to Adam and to Eve. 'And God said to them...' Eve is standing right there when God give the world over to us." (pg. 31)

We women have just as much of a role to play in the story as Adam did. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently. Men are not to dominate all, including us, we are to do things together. We are to share the adventure God gave us. I believe this is the reason why so many people long to find a significant other. We long to share our lives with someone else. To partake in an adventure together, to share in life's ups and downs, to laugh and cry with, to experience joys and pains with.

"When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo.....Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is 'notoriously difficult to translate.'....Alter is getting close when he translates it 'sustainer beside him.' The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately." (pg. 31; references Deut. 33:26,29; Ps. 121:1-2; Ps. 20:1-2; Ps. 33:20; Ps. 115:9-11, note the words help or helper)

Note that only Eve & God are described with the word ezer. That's pretty significant. Women were created to fulfill a desperately needed role. Look at the phrase "sustainer beside him." Sustainer, one who sustains. (Here's a link for the various definitions of the word sustain. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Sustainer) There are many definitions, all of which work extremely well with the second half of the phrase, beside him. Meaning, next to him, not under him, not over, but beside. Quite literally, a helper, but in a greatly significant way. Eve was created to help provide for Adam, to encourage him, but also to withstand with him. Think about it, to withstand, to bear up under. Eve was created to bear up under hardships with Adam. Neither is meant to go it alone.

"Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he is not there beside you...you are dead. A better translation therefore of ezer would be 'lifesaver.' Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart. You see, the life God calls us to is not a safe life....God calls us to a life involving frequent risks and many dangers. Why else would we need him to be our ezer? You don't need a lifesaver if your mission is to be a couch potato. You need an ezer when your life is in constant danger." (pg. 32)

Those living their lives in pursuit of God's will know just how dangerous life can be. We are called to live dangerously, not to sit idly letting life pass us by. Therefore, we need a "lifesaver counterpart." Ultimately that is God. Only He can save us from the dangers we face, for they are not always physical dangers, but spiritual ones.

"That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure--that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him--desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place." (pg. 33)

Thoughts On Oswald Chambers

The following is Feb. 22nd's entry in My Utmost For His Highest.

"Be still, and know that I am God..." (Psalm 46:10)

"Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling. Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for -- love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men -- will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.

"If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, 'because you have kept My command to persevere...' (Revelation 3:10).

"Continue to persevere spiritually." (emphasis mine)

This would be the second time in a week that that verse from Psalm has come up. Two very different situations, and even somewhat different applications. Yet the message remains the same. It's two fold. Be still and know that I am God. "Be still," to me, says to be quiet. To stop going, stop talking, stop moving, even stop thinking so much, and simply listen. It's good to talk to God, ask for His help, share with Him that which I desire, but it's just as important to stop and actually listen for His answers. Crucial even.

"Know that I am God." Ok, He's God. What does it mean to know that? I don't think in the typical way that we know something intellectually, but more in the sense that we are to trust in who He is. Trust in His power, His knowledge, His presence. For He is omnipotent (all powerful), omniscient (all knowing), and omnipresent (all/ever present). We are to trust that He is far more capable of handling the problems in our lives than we are, given we bring them before Him. We are to entrust our hurts, cares, worries, and joys to Him, and simply let them be.

Our hopes, too, are to be entrusted to Him. And as Oswald so perfectly puts it, "But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God." Waiting is always the hardest part (I do believe there's a song for that statement, and it's running through my head). Reality is, we want our hopes, our dreams, to be a reality, but we want them to be instantaneously met, no waiting. Yet, it is that waiting that purifies them, forms them more into God's will, instead of them simply being our own. God works on us during that time of waiting, often to bring us into alignment with Him, and to bring our hopes into alignment with His plan for us. The hope doesn't change, but is, instead, perfected, and thus creates more joy than if it had been granted as it was, without His purifying work.

And such as feels to be my life at the moment. I find myself in a place of disappointed hopes. However, I can see that they are merely being purified and perfected to God's will, His good, pleasing and perfect will.

Ventings and Ramblings

I've been trying not to think about it, but I do miss him. I sent him a message the other day, and was browsing through some of his pictures, when the thought crossed my mind, "I miss his face." Yea, I miss seeing his face. I could stare at those pictures for hours. I knew it wouldn't be easy, even if it's only for a short time. But, I'm not really supposed to think about that. We're just friends, and dwelling too long leads me down a path of depression and potential destruction. Not to mention, fantasizing about all the possiblities of him returning, again, and us being more than friends. Yea, that'll happen. It didn't happen last time, and it most certainly is not happening this time. Especially since he's going to visit someone he can't wait to spend in person, one-on-one time with. That person so not being me. My heart still breaks when I think about it. And part of me just wants to slap him, because he's doing the same damn thing I am, only with someone else. Wishing and hoping for something more than what there is. Granted, he is trying to be the pursuer, but at the same time is being rebuffed for his efforts, which makes my heart break for him, as much as it still hurts me. I don't want to see him hurt, and I want him to be happy. Actually, there's a lot I want for him. I want, for him, all the things he wants for himself, and all the things God has planned for him. He has such potential, and he doesn't even know the half of it. He doesn't utilize a fraction of it. I'm so proud of all the things he's done, and continues to learn and do, of the aspirations he has for himself, and the desire to pursue whatever path God has for him. I honestly need to spend more time in prayer for him, for the things God has planned for him, than what I have been. Because, though I've been saying I pray for him, really, I'm praying for myself, and that which I want God to do in regards to the relationship he and I do have.

As I ramble on here, so not going in the direction I originally thought, I realize that I've been avoiding the one thing I truly need. Specific, intentional, pursuit of Jesus. I don't want to be alone tonight, because I'm afraid of what God will reveal to me. My selfish nature would much rather spend time with other people, NOT in God's Word or presence. Or spend time watching tv, and surfing the web. Reading things I don't need to read, or that can wait to be read. At the same time, sitting, hoping he'll log in and I can chat with him. We're back to that again. I thought I was done with that, but it seems I will never be fully done with him. He's here to stay, in whatever capacity that is to be. But, he needs to be bumped down a slot or two on the priority scale, that's for certain.

Ok, time to stop avoiding what I know needs to be done. Time to do that which I should want to be doing. Getting a lot of good time in with my Love and my Friend before heading off to bed.

Hope

"If it were not for hope, the heart would break." ~ Thomas Fuller

Waiting for You ~Matthew West

The sun waits to set,
in case the moon should forget
that it's her turn to shine
And springtime waits to bloom
til old man winter's through being so unkind.
And I've watched my share of seasons come and go,
just praying for this chance to let you know:

I've been waiting for you for all this time--
And hoping you'd wait for me.
And the lesson I've learned is love always returns when it's true.
And I'm so glad I waited for you.

They say good things come to those who wait,
you're my living proof the way you came to me.
You offered me your heart and soul
took this half and made me whole
and finally I know the reason why

I've been waiting for you for all this time--
I've been hoping you'd wait for me.
And the lesson I've learned is love always returns when it's true.
And I'm so glad I've waited for you.

So let's share this life together
falling deeper everyday
till we're standing up in heaven and we hear the good Lord say:

I've been waiting for you for all this time--
I've been hoping you'd wait for me.
And the lesson I've learned is love always returns when it's true.
And I'm so glad I've waited for you.

For all this timeI've been hoping you'd wait for me.
And the lesson I've learned is love always returns when it's true.
And I'm so glad I've waited for you.

The following is the story that this song is based upon. You can find it, and the song, at http://www.klove.com/.

"My husband (Daniel) and I were neighbors growing up. We were the three musketeers, Michael (my brother), Daniel and me!

Daniel was in love with me from the start! His mother remembers him coming home from Elementary School (2nd grade) and telling her he was going to marry me! I wasn't attracted to him in that way. He was my best friend!! He was always there for me through everything! Even through the hurt of seeing me with other boyfriends or seeing my heartache after breakups, he never once made me feel bad about not choosing him or telling me I wouldn't be hurting if I were with him! He gave me space as he patiently waited for me!!

Finally after being patient for many years, we started dating in High School! He gave me a ring and proposed to me when he was 17! We had never been with anyone and promised to save ourselves for each other!! We went through Elementary, Junior High, High School and College together.

After we graduated from college, we married! We have been married for almost 6 years and we have a son who will be 2 in March! My husband is still there for me through everything and is a wonderful father! He works hard to make sure that me and our son are safe and secure!

God has been good to us!!! How wonderful it is to share your past, present and future with your best friend!!!

God bless,
Laura"

This story, along with the quote, enables me to hang on to a small thread of hope for my future. Either way, I've learned that not only is hope a good thing, but friendship isn't without it's benefits and charms. As a good friend reminded me today, I can't limit God.

Conversations

friend: "By the way, thank you for your prayer last night, and almost even moreso, thank you for the 'yea...she's hot' comment. I mean, you can't NOT notice & look, & it's sooo appreciated to not be judged for that, instead of the automatic assessment that I must be thinking w/my penis & want to sleep w/her...when the reality is more of the prayer 'DAMN, Lord, it would be nice to have a mate with whom to mate right about now.' Anway, thank you!"

me: "You are welcome for the prayer, I was happy to. Actually felt the need to, really. And it's only logical to admit when another woman is hot. But you're welcome all the same. Besides, simply admitting she's hot is like admiring a beautiful piece of art. Not fully appreciated until vocally affirmed. I know men better than it might otherwise be perceived. I understand your prayers for a mate, especially one that amazingly gorgeous. ;P"

f: "Yeah well the amazingly gorgeous part doesn't really even enter into it; that appreciation was more, like you said, a work of art (in more ways than one - plenty of paint involved there I'm sure!), it's more the thought of laying on a car hood & smooching w/ a REAL woman that sticks around after the image on the screen has faded. :)"

m: "I understand that. I also know that whomever God brings you will be amazingly gorgeous in your eyes, as well as God's. And after it all fades one has to remind themselves that it's just a movie and shit like that just doesn't happen in real life. At least not nearly as romantic. Sorry, I've begun to feel a bit more passionate about the responses movies bring out. Especially when there's even a hint of romance. If I don't tell myself these things I find myself more and more disillusioned with life and love. I would rather live in reality. Hard when, as a woman, it's so easy to do otherwise."

f: "Heh, well...Obviously the romance part there was more contrived, but real romance can happen...Just most 'romantic comedy' behavior would get a guy a restraining order in real life! ;) But yea, sorry to be so chatty, it's just not the same w/o (co-worker) here BSing w/me all day...Just thought I'd let you know I appreciated you!"

m: "True. And the chattiness is fine with me, 'specially since I am at lunch. Happy to be a BS substitute. ;P Glad to be appreciated. I won't keep you from work with anymore of my rantings. :)"

f: "You're FAR better than BSing. :D And I don't think being a woman means it's easier for you to live in unreality, just means your ideal-turned-fantasy will tend to look differently than a guy's will, but we all do it. 'There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man' 1 Cor 10:13 :)"

m: "Well yes, we all fantasize and yes it looks different for men than women. What I was referring to was more that women tend to view life through the rose colored goggles of romantic movies & stories. And more often lose sight of reality, and simply lose themselves in the fantasy. Impacting their relationships with men in particular."

f: "*nod*...but thank God for those rose-colored goggles when it helps remind men that life can be beautiful. That was probably His plan, come to think of it. ;)"

m: "I'll amen that brotha. Could very easily be God's design."

f: "Sorry to be so argumentative, I get what you're saying, just like to try & find ways to be encouraging as well...Not disregarding your point tho."

m: "I don't know as to argumentative, but you HAVE been doing a smashing job of being encouraging. Thank you. I do get what you're saying as well."

As we're texting back and forth, these are the thoughts going through my head:

Is it possible to have these conversations with him and not have my heart go all over the place? Probably not, but that doesn't mean I have to let it get away from me. Friends have these conversations all the time w/no damage. That's probably just going to have to be part of being friends, however much it hurts. The pain is only temporary, but the friendship will be forever. I CAN do this!

The cause of these thoughts, of course, still being the fact that I want to be the answer to that prayer. Whether or not that will ever happen, I do not know. The important thing is that it's not happening right now. But, I do have a friend I can hang out with, talk with, at times even flirt with, and have fun with. And that I have to constantly keep in mind, because I don't know what I would do without his friendship.

Eve (part 1)

~All quotes from Captivating, unless otherwise specified.

"From water and stone, to pomegranate and rose, to leopard and nightingale, creation ascends in beauty....The greatest of all masterpieces is emerging. What was once formless and empty is now overflowing with life and color and sound and movement in a thousand variations. Most importantly, notice that each creature is more intricate and noble and mysterious than the last. A cricket is amazing, but it cannot compare to a wild horse....In one last flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch....Given the way creation unfolds, how it builds to ever higher and higher works of art, can there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God's final touch, his pièce de résistance. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill." (pp. 24-25)

I am irreplaceable, that's what this says to me. Not just because I'm me, and have giftings that God has given me. No, I'm irreplaceable because I am a woman. God didn't make me as an afterthought. I also wasn't created just so I could wait on some guy hand and foot, never to be appreciated, loved, thanked, or cared for. In fact, I was the final work of art created by a loving Master who knew exactly what He was doing. And created in His image to top it off.

"God wanted to reveal something about himself, so he gave us Eve. When you are with a woman, ask yourself, what is she telling me about God? It will open up wonders for you.

"First, you'll discover that God is relational to his core, that he has a heart for romance. Second, that he longs to share adventures with us--adventures you cannot accomplish without him. And finally, that God has a beauty to unveil. A beauty that is captivating and powerfully redemptive." (pg. 26)

"Man's love is of man's life a thing apart
'Tis a woman's whole existence."
~Byron (pg. 26)

"Whatever else we know about women, we know they are relational creatures to their cores. While little boys are killing one another in mock battles on the playground, little girls are negotiating relationships....This is so second nature, so assumed among women, that it goes unnoticed by them....Most women define themselves in terms of their relationships, and the quality they deem those relationships to have....This is not a weakness in women--it is a glory. A glory that reflects the heart of God." (pp. 27-28)

Boy howdy, is there truth in that! As a woman, I frequently think about the relationships I have with others, and whether or not they're going well. Am I succeeding as a friend, sister, daughter, etc. As a single woman, I especially find myself often thinking on romantic relationships (or lack of them) and wondering if somehow I'm failing in that area of my life. All relationships are important, but most important is our relationship with God. As relational creatures, you'd think that women would have an easier time investing in that relationship, cultivating it and growing closer to our Creator. Personally, I've found the opposite to be true. I get so distracted by my other relationships that I sometimes forget to spend any time investing in the one relationship that matters, and affects all the others.

"The vast desire and capacity a woman has for intimate relationships tells us of God's vast desire and capacity for intimate relationships. In fact, this may be the most important thing we ever learn about God--that he yearns for relationship with us. 'Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God' (John 17:3). The whole story of the Bible is a love story between God and his people. He yearns for us. He cares. He has a tender heart." (pg. 28)

"Not only does God long for us, but he longs to be loved by us. Oh, how we've missed this. How many of you see God as longing to be loved by you? We see him as strong and powerful, but not as needing us, vulnerable to us, yearning to be desired. But as I wrote in Wild at Heart,

After years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, 'Why won't you choose me?' It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. 'You will find me,' says the Lord, 'when you seek me with all your heart' (Jer. 29:13). In other words, 'Look for me, pursue me--I want you to pursue me.' As Tozer says, 'God waits to be wanted.'

"Can there be any doubt that God wants to be sought after? The first and greatest of all commands is to love him (Mark 12:29-30, Matt. 22:36-38). He wants us to love him. To seek him with all our hearts. A woman longs to be sought after, too, with the whole heart of her pursuer. God longs to be desired. Just as a woman longs to be desired. This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired....God feels the same way. Remember the story of Martha and Mary? Mary chose God, and Jesus said that that is what he wanted. 'Mary has chosen what is better' (Luke 10:42)." (pp. 28-29)

To all women, let me say, I've always had a hard time with the longing to be desired, to be sought after. To know that it's not a fault or a weakness, but it's a reflection of God's own heart, is freeing. No, it's not something to dwell on, but it's legitimate to feel that longing. It's ok to talk about it, it's ok to feel it. It's not ok to let it become your whole life.

"This whole world was made for romance--the rivers and the glens, the meadows and beaches. Flowers, music, a kiss. But we have a way of forgetting all that, losing ourselves in work and worry. Eve--God's message to the world in feminine form--invites us to romance. Through her, God makes romance a priority of the universe....Tender and inviting, intimate and alluring, fiercely devoted. Oh yes, our God has a passionate, romantic heart. Just look at Eve." (pg. 30)

Have you let God romance you yet? If romance is a priority, then we need to make sure we're experiencing it. First, from a loving God who not only wants to be desired, but desires to romance us. Simply look at creation, and you'll see all the ways in which He does so. You don't have to go far, just step out of your front door. Watch the sunrise or the sunset. Look to the beauty of flowers growing wild, or even of the bouquets in the grocery store. Listen to the music of His creation. Know it was all made for you, to romance you.

Time

It takes time to move past feelings for someone, especially when you've been harboring said feelings for well over a year. It does no good to shove 'em down deep, hoping they'll go away. Because, in the end, they just come exploding back out again, and always when you don't want them to. So, the best thing may be to actually feel them, and try to throw them away once you've acknowledged their existence. For example, while I realize he's not the man I really want, not the one who meets all that I've set out as significant qualities in a future husband, that doesn't mean I miss him any less, or love him any less. I recognize that I miss him. So, how do I handle that, and move forward? Enjoy the company I'm with, for one. Continue to have a good time, and don't dwell on him. Now, how does one handle a situation where, nearly all the things you do remind you of something about him? Whether it's something he likes, or doesn't like, something he's passionate about or abhors, it all reminds you of him. That I have yet to figure out. All of this, of course, is easier said than done. As with all aspects of life that are difficult or challenging. It's easy enough to tell someone else, "Buck up and move on." But when you have to tell yourself, well, for whatever reason, it's not so easy. Keep praying, and keep your eyes on Jesus. That's my only answer.

The Heart of a Woman (parts 1 & 2)

Part 1
"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it--something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women....We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought--that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain--uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be. Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message of to the rest of us--whether from a driven cluture or a driven church--is try harder." (Captivating pp. 6-7)

I'm sure I wrote on this somewhere around a year ago. I don't know why I stopped reading the book, but here I am, picking it up again. Finding myself in a place where I have lost sight of God and who I am to Him. Well, ok, maybe I didn't really lose sight of Him, I know He's always been there, but I most definitely lost track of who I am in His eyes. As I was re-reading the first chapter, the above passage stood out to me. I realized that the author was describing me, and I just hadn't been fully ready to see myself as one of those women. In reality, all women have felt this at some point or another. Of course, I don't always feel like a woman....most often I still feel like a little girl, or some giddy teenager. How do you try harder at something when you don't even know what it means in the first place?

"And in all the exhortations we have missed the most important thing of all. We have missed the heart of a woman.

"And that is not a wise thing to do, for as the Scriptures tell us, the heart is central. 'Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life' (Prov. 4:23). Above all else. Why? Because God knows that our heart is core to who we are. It is the source of all our creativity, our courage, and our convictions. It is the fountainhead of our faith, our hope, and of course, our love. This 'wellspring of life' within us is the very essence of our existence, the center of our being. Your heart as a woman is the most important thing about you." (Captivating pp. 7-8)

My heart is the most important thing about me. Then why don't I ever treat it as such. And how does one guard their heart, anyway? Does anyone really know? Because I don't have a clue short of blockading it off and making it more of a fortress to be stormed than a simple lock to be undone.

"....And so the journey to discover what God meant when he created woman in his image--when he created you as his woman--that journey begins with your heart. Another way of saying this is that the journey begins with desire....We think you'll find that every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. That's what makes a woman come alive." (Captivating pg.8)

Part 2
As promised, the follow-up, although I can't promise any more fluidity or sense than the first post. Oh well. (All quotes from Captivating unless otherwise specified.)

"The King is enthralled by your beauty." -Psalm 45:11 (pg. 12)

"I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful."
-Bethany Dillon, "Beautiful" (pp. 13-14)

"And it's not just the desire for an outward beauty, but more--a desire to be captivating in the depths of who we are." (pg. 16)

I know this to be true from personal experience. It's one thing to be desired by someone because they view you as beautiful on the outside, but something entirely different to be viewed as desirable because of who you are, which brings out a great beauty. And the joy, the excitement, in knowing you're desirable, not simply for outward appearances, far surpasses the fleeting happiness in hearing someone tell you you're cute, adorable, or even beautiful. What person only ever truly wishes to be sought after because they fit some physical ideal of beauty? No woman, that's for sure. And really, the key word isn't so much desirable, but captivating.

"For now, don't you recognize that a woman yearns to be seen, and to be thought of as captivating? We desire to possess beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil." (pg. 17)

I've written on the following before, I realize, but that was about a year ago, and many things have happened in that year. Including various realizations....we can call them epiphanies, if necessary.

"A woman in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. His strength allows her feminine heart to flourish. His pursuit draws out her beauty. And a man in the presence of a real woman loves being a man. Her beauty arouses him to play the man, it draws out his strength. She inspires him to be a hero." (pg. 18)

Oh to be so lucky as to experience this. I've been contemplating, and thinking back on my life (mainly high school until now), to try to find even one moment when I've experienced this. There is one time that comes to mind, something within this past year, but the moment was fleeting. I know why I can't come up with many of these experiences in my life. It's because I've done most of the pursuing of relationships. I've never allowed for someone to pursue me, thus inhibiting the true feminine heart within me. That stops now.

"Most of our addictions as women flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after." (pg. 10)

This I also know from experience. I am an emotional eater, shopper, watcher of tv/movies. When I'm not feeling loved I turn to any one of those three things. Sometimes in conjunction. Do you ever notice how, when you're feeling especially in need of love the only movies you want to watch are romances or romantic comedies? I certainly do. It's as though I think I can fill that need by experiencing it through others, when realistically, I typically feel all the more lonely or empty when it's over. Only God can fill that hole, that longing in my heart.

He recently spoke to my heart, through a gal at Bible study, on the topic of loneliness. (For when we're feeling unloved, we're often lonely as well.) She shared that she kept going back to the passage in Genesis where God says that it is not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18). He knows when we're lonely, and that it's not good for us to be alone. It was comforting for her to know that God knows this, even if He doesn't rush to the solution. I was blown away when she said that. God doesn't rush anything, why would He rush His best for me? It's me who tries to rush things, to push God to move faster in certain areas of my life. This is where patience comes in handy, and I know He's built that in me. Not sure why I don't see fit to apply those lessons to all areas of my life.

"The longings God has written deep in your heart are telling you something essential about what it means to be a woman, and the life he meant for you to live. Now we know--many of those desires have gone unmet, or been assaulted, or simply so long neglected, that most women end up living two lives. On the surface we are busy and efficient, professional, even. We are getting by. On the inside women lose themselves in a fantasy world or in cheap novels, or we give ourselves over to food or some other addiction to numb the ache of our hearts. But your heart is still there, crying out to be set free, to find the life your desires tell you of." (pg. 19)

Patience, however, doesn't mean I'm to sit idly by and wait, twiddling my thumbs, until God sees fit to bring someone into my life. I must live my life as God has given me, seek Him first, give back to Him that which He's given me, and trust that He knows what He's doing, and His will is best. Then I will see my heart set free, and the desires of my heart fulfilled.

Reality Check

No matter how much I may love him, he's not the man I want. And all my wanting and wishing for him to be that man, doesn't make him that man. And that's almost as disappointing as him not being that man already. He's so close, but not everything I'm looking for. It's mainly the things he doesn't do that points to the fact that he's not that man. So, I have to let that go. I have to be his friend and nothing more. I have to wait for THE man. But before that man can come along, I have to love and live for no one but Jesus.

Worry Not

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matthew 6:25-34

This passage seems to be the theme for the day. For I have come across parts of it in two different settings. First, today's reading in My Utmost for His Highest, which references 6:30. Second, today's passage selection from Bible Verses for Myspace, which references 6:31-33. And while it's a good reminder for all, I believe it's meant to be a reminder for me, today especially.

Last night I watched a dvd with my grandfather, "Close Encounters of the God Kind." The speaker, Jesse Duplantis, was sharing with his audience the various close encounters he's had with God, all to lead up to one encounter in particular. That of his visit to heaven. (I say that quite literally, and do not desire to debate the man's experience.) The main point of his message being that Jesus is coming.

While his experiences struck me, and in a way, inspired me, it was the genuine nature of his relationship with God that stayed with me the most. Such a seemingly simple thing, it was, yet something I find so difficult at times. His faith, and trust, so implicit. The closeness he expresses and shares. A passionate love for his Saviour, but most importantly, his friend. Jesus is his friend. And the though struck me, do I treat Jesus that way? Do I consider Jesus as my friend?

Before going to bed, I prayed that I too could experience Jesus the way Mr. Duplantis seems to experience and know Him. That He would be the ultimate desire of my heart. That the first thought in the morning and the last before bed would be of Him.

This seems a tangent from where I first started, I know, but bear with me. Such was my prayer last night. This morning, upon reading from Oswald, and then the Bible Verse for myspace, I realized that part of what's keeping me from my desire is my ability to let the worries of the world consume me. I allow the worries for the other desires of my heart surpass my desire for God. But I am not to worry about anything. It doesn't do any good, but it's also not how God created me to behave. The birds of the air and flowers of the field do exactly as God created them to. And God takes care of them. So also, should I.

I can't worry about J or if his heart will ever change towards me. I should only concern myself with Jesus, with loving Him and building my friendship with Him. Jesus needs to be my best friend, above all others. He needs to be my first lover, before anyone else can be. My Jesus, my God, my friend.

My List

A man who is/has.....
1) Teachable in God's word and ready to take up Christ's attributes.
2) Willing to teach.
3) Continually hungry for God & constantly seeks His will.
4) Willing to cry out in the presence of God & others.
5) Not afraid to just cry.
6) Humble before the Lord.
7) Someone I can follow, not afraid to lead, & I'm willing to be wrong with in following.
8) The same love for me as my father has for my mother.
9) Willing to stick by me in my decision to not kiss until the altar.
10) A gentleman in that he lets me go first in a line, opens doors for me (including car doors), etc.
11) Encouraging to me in my walk with the Lord and points me towards Christ.
12) Continually encouraging & challenging me to get into God's word.
13) A great love for his family.
14) Open & honest about his feelings & willing to share them with me.
15) Someone I can trust to share my fears and feelings with.
16) Somewhat athletic & is willing to either play/watch sports with me.
17) Thinks I'm beautfiul and tells me so as often as he can.

Right now, number 9 is still a work in progress. There have been things in recent days that have changed this choice, yet not. I've changed it, as in, broke that bargain, and am not sure if it's something I still need to hold on to. Only time will tell.

Irksome

I'm really having a hard time letting go. I know that I need to. Doesn't the saying go, "If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, their meant to be yours. If they don't, it wasn't meant to be?" Well, something like that anyway. I still fully believe that we're supposed to be together, and maybe it's just because I want us to be. I can't explain it really. I've seen him at some of his worst points, and he's hurt me during some of those. I've seen him at his best. Despite it all, I love him. I want to remain his friend, but I don't feel I can do that while harboring such strong feelings. I know his friendship is part of the reason I love him. He's very dear to me.

I know what's sparked all of this, despite my best efforts to shut myself off from him. He'll be leaving soon on another short adventure. I'm excited for him, and that he'll get to see some of his good friends. Thing is, as excited as he is to see his friend(s), he's all the more excited to spend time with one particular young lady. And thus my musings, ok, ok, whinings. I don't know her, and know very little about her. I do know how much he likes her. I don't know how she's responding to his pursuit (or desire of pursuit) of her. To some degree, I know, she's holding him at bay. He's hoping for the best, on this trip, and I want to wish him the best. But the selfish, hurting part of me wishes that it wouldn't turn out as he hopes it to. There's this ridiculous part of me that wants to hold on to the hope that someday he'll come to his senses and see that, really, I'm everything he's been looking for. I don't actually know if that's at all true, I only know some of what he's looking for, from various things he's told me. I know we want many of the same things, and as far as I know I qualify.

Ok, I'm over it now. As I've been in process of writing this, I've also been reading through old blogs on a different site. I just need to re-focus, and all will work out as it's supposed to.

One guy

MyHotComments


One guy who will make a real effort to get to know me. Someone who'll ask questions before I do, who will be seeking to get to know who I am, without me having to do all the work.

One guy who won't see me as a simple object, purely to be enjoyed for whatever pleasure he seeks. Instead, someone who sees me as a woman, delicate yet strong, fiery and passionate, yet quiet and humble.

One guy who'll see me as a treasure, a gift from God, not to be taken for granted or lightly, but to be loved, respected and treated with care.

One guy who can't wait until he sees me next to talk to me, but will call just to say hi, or that he's thinking of me.

One guy who's just as content sitting together in the same room, even if we're doing different things, as he is snuggling on the couch while watching a movie.

One guy who can't keep his hands off me, but knows when to because I'm not comfortable or it's not appropriate.

One guy, that's all I ask.

"for he who promised is faithful"

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

What is this hope? It is the hope found in Jesus Christ, in His death and resurrection. Knowledge that because of Christ's death and resurrection we have the hope of heaven. We no longer have to fear death in this life because there is a new life that follows. An eternal life, with a new body, no pain, no suffering, and constant, unfailing love. Not just someone else's love for us, but constant and unfailing love for a gracious, and just, Creator. Belief in this love, which even before we reach heaven is constant and unfailing, and the expression of that love through the death of His Son on the cross is where our hope lies, and this is the hope we profess.

What does it mean to "hold unswervingly" to that hope? To hold onto it without faltering, taking no turn to the right or left, without retreat. That no matter what happens in our lives, whether it be bad, good or extreme, we continue to hold steadfast in the hope of our salvation. We continue to believe the truths and promises offered us by God, through His Word. When we hold to these promises, believing in them despite circumstances, we will not falter. We may stumble, be tripped up, but so long as we keep our eyes on the prize, eternity with a God who loves us beyond comprehension, we will not fail. To continue to live life with God's promises in mind, not allowing circumstances to sway our relationship with Him, is to "hold unswervingly."

"[F]or he who promised is faithful." God is faithful in fulfilling His promises. And there are many promises, not the least of which is His promise, spoken through the apostle Paul, that nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38-39). And no matter the circumstances that require us to hold so unswervingly to our hope in Him, He is faithful to complete the work He began in us. He knows His plans for us (Jeremiah 29:11) and He knows how He will fulfill those plans, though we may only have a glimpse of what those plans are. The exhortation is to trust in Him, and in His promises. It is an affirmation that He is faithful to those promises, and therefore, trustworthy.

And yet, despite all this, I still have a hard time trusting. Probably because He's telling me no to something I want. What I don't trust is that I don't know what's best for me, but that God does. Because I certainly like to think I know what's best for me, especially in regards to relationships, in particular, romantic relationships. Thus far, romance, and relationships stemming from romance, seems to be the bane of my existence. I feel like I go in circles when it comes to this area of my life. It's the bane because I don't always trust that God knows best, and that His timing is perfect. But when I get to that place of contentment, or trust, and things are going well, then enters someone who has the ability to change all of that. Not that he wants that ability, nor does he realize he even possesses it, but I grant him it. Whomever he is, he becomes my focus, instead of God. The desire for a relationship, companionship, human love, becomes an idol in my life, and I place any of those things in the place that rightfully belongs to God.

I've noticed, as I've done this, that the man in question typically doesn't return the feelings I have for him. Which should be an indication that I'm not on the right path, and need to refocus. But by the time I realize this, it seems, I've allowed my heart to get too involved. I have yet to learn how to guard my heart. I so desperately want someone to give my heart to, that if I think I've found that someone I let whatever guard I have down, and attempt to (with some success, even if it's not received) give it away. Once you give your heart to someone, it's really not all that easy to get it back, if at all. And what you do get back isn't everything, there's always some part of your heart that stays with that person. Sure, God can make you whole again, but that's just as painful as giving parts of yourself away. Because often, it requires the reopening of old wounds so that they may heal properly, thus leaving a scar instead of a scab.

Welcome

I'm beginning this blog solely for me. I've no intention of sharing it's creation with others, but if others happen to find me, so be it. I realize that nothing on the internet is truly safe from the eyes of those who seek, but here I make no apologies and will hide nothing. All of my emotions, pains, questions and rantings will be displayed here, for the world to see. At this point, I care not about the scorn nor the offense of others. This is MY blog, and if you take offense, then do not read it. Anything written here is purely conjecture and opinion, hardly ever fact, but very often truth. Although, I must distinguish that I hold a difference between fact and truth. What I hold to be true does not make it fact, although many facts are in reality truth. I believe there are absolutes and will not apologize for that, but will very often write in light of these absolutes. I also know there are grey areas of life, and may write in a way to try to bring those greys into distinctive black or white. Again, conjecture and opinion.

Welcome to my world.