Sunday, July 13, 2008

The Wall of Feeling

I've hit a wall.....or maybe I've let one down, and not at the most opportune moment. I should probably know better than to drink with him, I should definitely know better than to respond to his flirting, however "innocent" it might be. Innocent to whom anyway? He knows what he's doing and yet doesn't want to take responsibility for it? I've come to realize, even through the fog of memory, that he started it in the first damn place. Maybe he thinks it's ok, 'cause we're just friends, he is dating someone after all. Which makes it all the harder for me. I'm beginning to see myself as "the other woman" without any of the benefits of being such, if there are truly benefits to be had in that. I know I'm not viewed in that light, anyway. Why is it that when we're out doing something fun, even with others around, he acts this way? Why is it that he can still get me so riled up, that he can get my blood boiling? How is it that we can frustrate each other so, and yet not be able to do a damn thing about it? How is it that it means nothing? Whoo, I'm appreciated, I'm amazing (so says he), but why do I still feel not good enough? He says it's something to look forward to, this being able to frustrate each other so. What the hell? It's only something to look forward to if it's occurring with someone I'm dating, or married to, not someone who just wants to be friends, who's dating another woman. Why the hell would I look forward to that with him when he's not mine? I've no right to him, no claim on him, and he sure as hell doesn't on me. He didn't say something last night, because it wouldn't have come out right. Fine, I can accept that, I probably didn't really want to hear it anyway, it just would've been more hurtful. I let him hug me good-bye in the car....a side hug of sorts, as I didn't hug him back. He rubbed my arm and told me how thankful he was that I had gone that night, and how it was nice to have someone to hip bump with, at which point a memory comes rushing back of a blog previously written by him from the last time he saw this band. And how, I was the one who would've appreciated it all, but he could only stand to be around in small doses. I couldn't stay there anymore in the car....I had so badly wanted to kiss him up until that point, then all I wanted to do was get away from him and cry. I thought I was past all that. I've been resigned to him dating someone else, and trying to move on. He cares for me, just not in that way. He's thankful for me, and appreciates me, and apparently thinks I'm amazing, not to mention is in some way attracted to me, if he wasn't, I shouldn't be able to cause such a reaction, but it's not enough. It certainly adds to the feeling that I'm not enough, and at the same time, I've been a bit too much where he's concerned, or at least been made to feel that way. I thought I was past it, but I was wrong.

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