Friday, February 22, 2008

Ventings and Ramblings

I've been trying not to think about it, but I do miss him. I sent him a message the other day, and was browsing through some of his pictures, when the thought crossed my mind, "I miss his face." Yea, I miss seeing his face. I could stare at those pictures for hours. I knew it wouldn't be easy, even if it's only for a short time. But, I'm not really supposed to think about that. We're just friends, and dwelling too long leads me down a path of depression and potential destruction. Not to mention, fantasizing about all the possiblities of him returning, again, and us being more than friends. Yea, that'll happen. It didn't happen last time, and it most certainly is not happening this time. Especially since he's going to visit someone he can't wait to spend in person, one-on-one time with. That person so not being me. My heart still breaks when I think about it. And part of me just wants to slap him, because he's doing the same damn thing I am, only with someone else. Wishing and hoping for something more than what there is. Granted, he is trying to be the pursuer, but at the same time is being rebuffed for his efforts, which makes my heart break for him, as much as it still hurts me. I don't want to see him hurt, and I want him to be happy. Actually, there's a lot I want for him. I want, for him, all the things he wants for himself, and all the things God has planned for him. He has such potential, and he doesn't even know the half of it. He doesn't utilize a fraction of it. I'm so proud of all the things he's done, and continues to learn and do, of the aspirations he has for himself, and the desire to pursue whatever path God has for him. I honestly need to spend more time in prayer for him, for the things God has planned for him, than what I have been. Because, though I've been saying I pray for him, really, I'm praying for myself, and that which I want God to do in regards to the relationship he and I do have.

As I ramble on here, so not going in the direction I originally thought, I realize that I've been avoiding the one thing I truly need. Specific, intentional, pursuit of Jesus. I don't want to be alone tonight, because I'm afraid of what God will reveal to me. My selfish nature would much rather spend time with other people, NOT in God's Word or presence. Or spend time watching tv, and surfing the web. Reading things I don't need to read, or that can wait to be read. At the same time, sitting, hoping he'll log in and I can chat with him. We're back to that again. I thought I was done with that, but it seems I will never be fully done with him. He's here to stay, in whatever capacity that is to be. But, he needs to be bumped down a slot or two on the priority scale, that's for certain.

Ok, time to stop avoiding what I know needs to be done. Time to do that which I should want to be doing. Getting a lot of good time in with my Love and my Friend before heading off to bed.

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