Women in Leadership

I recognize that there is a great debate occurring involving the role women have in leadership. As far as I can tell there are two main sides to this debate, although a third opinion may emerge. I struggle greatly with the deterministic stance many Christians take on women's involvement in leadership within the church. Specifically, the narrow interpretation of 1 Timothy 2:12. Interestingly enough, this same passage is used by both sides of the argument. I'll confess, I've not decided which side I stand on, or if I'm going to be standing on either dominant side at all. I'm still processing all I know from all I've read, learned and experienced, both first- and second-hand. I frequently bristle when someone adamantly, and staunchly, proclaims their interpretation of 1 Timothy 2:12 to be the only interpretation. However, I don't have a solid answer to the debate, for anyone, much less myself.

I ask myself why I bristle so at one interpretation over another. The one answer that always comes to mind is that I don't really like being told what I can or can't do simply because I'm a woman. Of course, it is highly probable that I'm completely misunderstanding one side's interpretation of scripture. But is that the real issue? The better question would be, is that really my issue?

I want to know and understand, to make an educated decision on this subject. I want to know that the sense of calling I have will be accepted, encouraged, utilized, and appreciated, no matter my gender. And then it hits....the deeper issue. Do I trust God's ability to call me and ensure fruition of my calling, no matter where I'm at, or the doctrine purported? If I don't the rest is moot.

The Mastermind

I've nearly completed my first year of a doctoral program. Ok, it's technically the second if you count all the master's work I did...but whatev. A few more papers and I'm done. Problem is, I'm easily distracted and can't seem to write for the life of me. Well, school related stuff anyway. I have absolutely no problem getting on here and laying my heart out to the world. Or just ramble away. I skimmed through a few of my most recent posts. I've come to realize that I have a lot of emotional baggage. I may be studying to be a psychologist but I'm clearly in need of some professional help. One of the joys of studying this stuff is the ability to self-diagnose....because that's always a healthy thing to do. It's becoming more and more apparent that I have a lot of unresolved self-esteem and relational issues I need to work through. How do I work through them on my own? I'm a verbal processor normally, and often do require feedback of some sort. Mainly to tell me I'm not crazy and it'll all be ok. Someone to give me advice or at least pray with me through it. You know, I'm not normally a complainer, or at least I had never considered myself to be one, but I feel like I have been this past year or so. Especially as I look back on what I've written. One would think that my life is consumed by issues of a teenaged, boy-crazy, girl. That's not me, even if at three decades I sometimes still feel very much like a teenager rather than a grown up. And while I may be much more realistic about relationships, I still have some fantastical ideas of fairy tale stories running through my brain. Dreams and I wishes marred by reality, lies, and false beliefs of who I am and what/whom I'm worthy of. Perhaps I should be more concered with who is worthy of me. Egotistical? Arrogant? Bitchy? So what? If I don't take care to look out for my best interest who will? Yes, yes, God is in control, has the best laid plans for me, etc. But when it comes to decisions that have to be made about who to invest my time and energy into, well, cliche-y as it might be, I rely up on God but then have to make that decision for myself. Do I trust God or not? Do I want the best for my life or do I want what I want. Not that what I want is always bad, it's just that it's usually only merely good. It's certainly not always the best. In this process of doctorhood I've learned, in some capacity, how to do on my own, be alone, push through with as little interaction as possible. It's a lonely place, this doctorate. And yet, when I find myself free to engage in social interaction, free to join the rest of the world and bask in the glorious light of summer, I still find myself alone. None of those whom I've had to abandon are available, at the drop of a hat, to spend time with the hermit. Wait, what? It isn't all about me? You mean, people have lives that they're getting on with whilst I waste away (hardly, how about bulge up) in the confines of a classroom? Oh that's right, I've not heard too much complaining about my not being able to do this or that, so why would I think that those out there would be ready to jump at a chance to spend time hanging out. But you see, there I go complaining again. No, complaining doesn't cover it, self-deprecating, that's it. I feel a great deal of built up anger ready to emerge. Perhaps this could be the avenue I've been seeking to get it all out and let it go. And yet I just learned that catharsis is only so helpful. It's really better to just divert anger into something more constructive, like exercise. Well, we all know how I feel about that....or do we? I'd much rather sit here and type away than get off my ass and do something. Ok, that's not true either. I simply make the choice to, whether I really want to or not is completely moot. Anger and hurt seems to fester here at the moment - "Fester, fester, fester. Rot, rot, rot." - I'm about ready for a breakdown to occur. I want to spend time with people, yet I'm not feeling all that close to anyone in particular. Why do I feel so distant from my friends? It couldn't have anything to do with school, could it? Or is that just a lame excuse I've come up with to push people away, to keep them at a distance so I won't have to get hurt. I'm extremely sensitive it seems. Is it a wonder that with all this going on in my head I can't write school related papers? How is one to focus on academia when the rest of the inner world is so jumbled?

Unnoticed

As I left my friends to drive home I felt this sense of sadness fill my heart. An ache that I've ignored a lot, and am able to overlook frequently, overpowered me as I drove and I felt my eyes brim with tears. I didn't want to face the truth at first, but I finally had to turn off the radio and admit to myself, and God, what I was feeling. The ache causing this sadness was for something I do not yet have. Something that I long for but have yet to attain. A significant relationship, a partnership with someone who gets me, wants to know me, understands what I'm trying to do and supports me. But while I yearn for that deep down, the strongest realization at that moment was the feeling of being unnoticed.

It's not like I require a ton of attention, or demand to always be noticed. But at times it feels as if nobody notices me at all. Especially men. I'm not a flamboyant or overly sexy dresser, but I don't always wear sweats/jeans and t-shirts either. I'm not overly loud or quiet, at least I don't think so. Do I really just not stand out? Is there really no one who takes notice of me?

Those questions, those thoughts, are the real cause of the ache I felt tonight. True or not, the idea still hurts.

Straight from the movies

Since breaking up with Shane I've been much happier, and have found myself freer to experience life, including dating. I've now been on two dates since the end of my previous relationship. It's been good to get out and meet new people. Well, one new. Tonight's date was with a man I've known for roughly 2 years, but haven't seen in nearly a year. It was an amazing night. Most definitely the most fun I've ever had on a date. He did everything a man is supposed to do on a date. He planned it, and prepared for it, he picked me up, he opened doors (including the truck door), he paid, and best yet, he paid attention. We spent 4 and a half hours together, with nearly constant conversation. And the conversation varied, from funny, to serious, no subject was untouchable. We laughed so much together, happily playing off each other's remarks and quirks. When he brought me home we ended up hugging three times before he walked out the door, the last included a kiss on my cheek. But what happened next was like a scene straight out of a movie. I was in the doorway, watching him walk to his truck, exhorting him to drive home safely, when he stopped and asked how he should get out from where he was, where to go to get back to the freeway. I started to explain, stepping outside so as to not feel like I was yelling. As I was explaining, he was walking towards me, with purpose. Then he was right in front of me, all of a sudden grabbing me and kissing me. Imagine a movie scene where the guy just grabs and kisses the girl. Yea, that's just what it was like. Intense, as though if he didn't kiss me then, he was never going to. When he pulled away he told me he didn't hear a word I'd said, and would figure it out. I could only laugh and say ok. And as we were walking away from each other, I had to admit, he'd made a very smooth move. My knees are still weak, and my head is still spinning. I never thought that kind of thing happened in real life. I guess I was wrong.

Difficult decisions

I like this guy, who is very sweet, and seems to be a good fit for me. We get along, and so far it seems we are able to talk about almost anything. Unfortunately we don't talk about the one thing that is probably the most important thing, and the thing I'm most passionate about....Jesus. I realized recently that we had never talked about anything of faith. I knew he attended church and was active in a community group, but did he have a personal relationship with God? If so why don't we ever talk about it?

After getting over the excitement of this being something new with potential, I'm beginning to remember those crucial important list items. Mainly, that I want to be with a man who is passionate about God first and foremost. I want to be able to share with him what God is teaching me, when I need prayer for things, or am struggling with something. I want to be able to have discussions about the Bible and theology. Ministry is a huge part of my life, and I can't truly share that with someone who doesn't understand. Second, I want to be a man who is passionate about me, second to God. I want to be with someone who adores me, who can't wait to talk to me or see me, and can't help but tell me how much he likes & enjoys me.

These things I don't get from this guy, and they're two of the most important "wants" on my list. I know what I should do, but it's still hard to do. The prospect of a relationship with someone who is even remotely interested in me has a big draw for me. However, I know I am not willing to settle. I need to speak up, and prepare to move on.

Too Many Emotions

I don't know if there's really such a thing as too many emotions, but that's certainly how I feel right now. Like there're too many emotions flowing through my heart, mind & body. There's some excitement and nervousness at the prospect of a growing friendship. He certainly has been trying to hang out more, despite my inadvertent destroyer like attempts at shooting him down. I don't want to shoot him down, I want to spend time with him and get to know him. I'm trying to be better about compromising so that there is time to give to him. I'm still not sure what I think about him, because I don't know him. I do have a good time, usually, when I'm with him. He's entertaining at least, and I seem to be able to make him laugh. He doesn't mind my sarcastic, witty nature, which is a plus. I'm working really hard to let him take the lead, put forth the effort. If he really wants to spend time with me, get to know me, he'll keep trying. I don't have to constantly try to make something work. I need to be available, as best I can, but be ready to come up with an alternative when the first choice doesn't work. I'm trying to let him pursue me, if that's what he's wanting to do. Lord let me stay so.

The Wall of Feeling

I've hit a wall.....or maybe I've let one down, and not at the most opportune moment. I should probably know better than to drink with him, I should definitely know better than to respond to his flirting, however "innocent" it might be. Innocent to whom anyway? He knows what he's doing and yet doesn't want to take responsibility for it? I've come to realize, even through the fog of memory, that he started it in the first damn place. Maybe he thinks it's ok, 'cause we're just friends, he is dating someone after all. Which makes it all the harder for me. I'm beginning to see myself as "the other woman" without any of the benefits of being such, if there are truly benefits to be had in that. I know I'm not viewed in that light, anyway. Why is it that when we're out doing something fun, even with others around, he acts this way? Why is it that he can still get me so riled up, that he can get my blood boiling? How is it that we can frustrate each other so, and yet not be able to do a damn thing about it? How is it that it means nothing? Whoo, I'm appreciated, I'm amazing (so says he), but why do I still feel not good enough? He says it's something to look forward to, this being able to frustrate each other so. What the hell? It's only something to look forward to if it's occurring with someone I'm dating, or married to, not someone who just wants to be friends, who's dating another woman. Why the hell would I look forward to that with him when he's not mine? I've no right to him, no claim on him, and he sure as hell doesn't on me. He didn't say something last night, because it wouldn't have come out right. Fine, I can accept that, I probably didn't really want to hear it anyway, it just would've been more hurtful. I let him hug me good-bye in the car....a side hug of sorts, as I didn't hug him back. He rubbed my arm and told me how thankful he was that I had gone that night, and how it was nice to have someone to hip bump with, at which point a memory comes rushing back of a blog previously written by him from the last time he saw this band. And how, I was the one who would've appreciated it all, but he could only stand to be around in small doses. I couldn't stay there anymore in the car....I had so badly wanted to kiss him up until that point, then all I wanted to do was get away from him and cry. I thought I was past all that. I've been resigned to him dating someone else, and trying to move on. He cares for me, just not in that way. He's thankful for me, and appreciates me, and apparently thinks I'm amazing, not to mention is in some way attracted to me, if he wasn't, I shouldn't be able to cause such a reaction, but it's not enough. It certainly adds to the feeling that I'm not enough, and at the same time, I've been a bit too much where he's concerned, or at least been made to feel that way. I thought I was past it, but I was wrong.