Monday, January 21, 2008


I'm really having a hard time letting go. I know that I need to. Doesn't the saying go, "If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, their meant to be yours. If they don't, it wasn't meant to be?" Well, something like that anyway. I still fully believe that we're supposed to be together, and maybe it's just because I want us to be. I can't explain it really. I've seen him at some of his worst points, and he's hurt me during some of those. I've seen him at his best. Despite it all, I love him. I want to remain his friend, but I don't feel I can do that while harboring such strong feelings. I know his friendship is part of the reason I love him. He's very dear to me.

I know what's sparked all of this, despite my best efforts to shut myself off from him. He'll be leaving soon on another short adventure. I'm excited for him, and that he'll get to see some of his good friends. Thing is, as excited as he is to see his friend(s), he's all the more excited to spend time with one particular young lady. And thus my musings, ok, ok, whinings. I don't know her, and know very little about her. I do know how much he likes her. I don't know how she's responding to his pursuit (or desire of pursuit) of her. To some degree, I know, she's holding him at bay. He's hoping for the best, on this trip, and I want to wish him the best. But the selfish, hurting part of me wishes that it wouldn't turn out as he hopes it to. There's this ridiculous part of me that wants to hold on to the hope that someday he'll come to his senses and see that, really, I'm everything he's been looking for. I don't actually know if that's at all true, I only know some of what he's looking for, from various things he's told me. I know we want many of the same things, and as far as I know I qualify.

Ok, I'm over it now. As I've been in process of writing this, I've also been reading through old blogs on a different site. I just need to re-focus, and all will work out as it's supposed to.

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