Difficult decisions

I like this guy, who is very sweet, and seems to be a good fit for me. We get along, and so far it seems we are able to talk about almost anything. Unfortunately we don't talk about the one thing that is probably the most important thing, and the thing I'm most passionate about....Jesus. I realized recently that we had never talked about anything of faith. I knew he attended church and was active in a community group, but did he have a personal relationship with God? If so why don't we ever talk about it?

After getting over the excitement of this being something new with potential, I'm beginning to remember those crucial important list items. Mainly, that I want to be with a man who is passionate about God first and foremost. I want to be able to share with him what God is teaching me, when I need prayer for things, or am struggling with something. I want to be able to have discussions about the Bible and theology. Ministry is a huge part of my life, and I can't truly share that with someone who doesn't understand. Second, I want to be a man who is passionate about me, second to God. I want to be with someone who adores me, who can't wait to talk to me or see me, and can't help but tell me how much he likes & enjoys me.

These things I don't get from this guy, and they're two of the most important "wants" on my list. I know what I should do, but it's still hard to do. The prospect of a relationship with someone who is even remotely interested in me has a big draw for me. However, I know I am not willing to settle. I need to speak up, and prepare to move on.

Too Many Emotions

I don't know if there's really such a thing as too many emotions, but that's certainly how I feel right now. Like there're too many emotions flowing through my heart, mind & body. There's some excitement and nervousness at the prospect of a growing friendship. He certainly has been trying to hang out more, despite my inadvertent destroyer like attempts at shooting him down. I don't want to shoot him down, I want to spend time with him and get to know him. I'm trying to be better about compromising so that there is time to give to him. I'm still not sure what I think about him, because I don't know him. I do have a good time, usually, when I'm with him. He's entertaining at least, and I seem to be able to make him laugh. He doesn't mind my sarcastic, witty nature, which is a plus. I'm working really hard to let him take the lead, put forth the effort. If he really wants to spend time with me, get to know me, he'll keep trying. I don't have to constantly try to make something work. I need to be available, as best I can, but be ready to come up with an alternative when the first choice doesn't work. I'm trying to let him pursue me, if that's what he's wanting to do. Lord let me stay so.

The Wall of Feeling

I've hit a wall.....or maybe I've let one down, and not at the most opportune moment. I should probably know better than to drink with him, I should definitely know better than to respond to his flirting, however "innocent" it might be. Innocent to whom anyway? He knows what he's doing and yet doesn't want to take responsibility for it? I've come to realize, even through the fog of memory, that he started it in the first damn place. Maybe he thinks it's ok, 'cause we're just friends, he is dating someone after all. Which makes it all the harder for me. I'm beginning to see myself as "the other woman" without any of the benefits of being such, if there are truly benefits to be had in that. I know I'm not viewed in that light, anyway. Why is it that when we're out doing something fun, even with others around, he acts this way? Why is it that he can still get me so riled up, that he can get my blood boiling? How is it that we can frustrate each other so, and yet not be able to do a damn thing about it? How is it that it means nothing? Whoo, I'm appreciated, I'm amazing (so says he), but why do I still feel not good enough? He says it's something to look forward to, this being able to frustrate each other so. What the hell? It's only something to look forward to if it's occurring with someone I'm dating, or married to, not someone who just wants to be friends, who's dating another woman. Why the hell would I look forward to that with him when he's not mine? I've no right to him, no claim on him, and he sure as hell doesn't on me. He didn't say something last night, because it wouldn't have come out right. Fine, I can accept that, I probably didn't really want to hear it anyway, it just would've been more hurtful. I let him hug me good-bye in the car....a side hug of sorts, as I didn't hug him back. He rubbed my arm and told me how thankful he was that I had gone that night, and how it was nice to have someone to hip bump with, at which point a memory comes rushing back of a blog previously written by him from the last time he saw this band. And how, I was the one who would've appreciated it all, but he could only stand to be around in small doses. I couldn't stay there anymore in the car....I had so badly wanted to kiss him up until that point, then all I wanted to do was get away from him and cry. I thought I was past all that. I've been resigned to him dating someone else, and trying to move on. He cares for me, just not in that way. He's thankful for me, and appreciates me, and apparently thinks I'm amazing, not to mention is in some way attracted to me, if he wasn't, I shouldn't be able to cause such a reaction, but it's not enough. It certainly adds to the feeling that I'm not enough, and at the same time, I've been a bit too much where he's concerned, or at least been made to feel that way. I thought I was past it, but I was wrong.

Freedom

I've now been asked for my phone number by two guys since getting involved with BSF. It's kind of exciting. Now, the only problem is whether or not they'll actually call me. The first hasn't so far, but we'll see what happens. The other suggested we should go get coffee sometime. I'm hoping he calls, but trying not be overly hopeful at the same time.

Part of the reason this is so exciting is, of course, because it's something of a boost for my self-esteem. Secondly, I'm actually excited about the prospect of getting to know other guys. The freedom has come in being able to get excited, even anticipatory, of new men being a part of my life, of being able to like someone else. Things are moving forward, and I'm moving on. Some things are still hard at times, but I've realized that I need to start spending time with other people. Otherwise, my heart can't heal, and I won't be able to have a normal relationship with someone who wants to be with me.

Eve (part 3)

*All quotes from Captivating unless otherwise specified.

*I had to break this chapter into 3 parts, it was just way too long. Now, without further ado, the final installment on Eve.

Beauty to Unveil

"Beauty is essential to God. No--that's not putting it strongly enough. Beauty is the essence of God." (pg. 34)

"Nature is not primarily functional. It is primarily beautiful." (pg. 34)

When you look at everything around you, in particular nature, what's your first response to it, your first thought? Do you see the beauty in it? Because that's what it is. The sky, in it's various stages and colors. The mountains or the ocean as the sun is setting and rising. The flowers in the field, the birds and their songs. All of it, beautiful. Yes, nature has a functional purpose, but that's not the primary reason for it's creation. All was created to show the glory of God. Therefore, it's beauty is the primary purpose. And this in itself shows us that the very essence of God is beauty.

"Beauty is the essence of a woman. We want to be perfectly clear that we mean both a physical beauty and a soulful/spiritual beauty. The one depends upon and flows out of the other. Yes, the world cheapens and prostitutes beauty, making it all about a perfect figure few women can attain. But Christians minimize it too, or overspiritualize it, making it all about 'character.' We must recover the prize of Beauty. The church must take it back. Beauty is too vital to lose. God gave Eve a beautiful form and a beautiful spirit. She expresses beauty in both. Better, she expresses beauty simply in who she is. Like God, it is her essence." (pg. 36)

Too often we look to the outward to determine beauty. When describing one person to another, in particular someone whom may not be "beautiful" by society's standards, we say they have a great personality or something of the like. There's a scene from the movie When Harry Met Sally that gives a perfect example of this. When Harry is trying to set up his best guy friend with Sally, and Sally's trying to set up her best girlfriend with Harry, there's a scene where Harry & Jess are talking about Sally. It comes down to Jess believing that, because Harry says Sally's attractive, and has a great personality, she's not beautiful. It's an interesting conversation, for those who haven't seen the movie, watch it. You'll get it.

But beauty is essential for women, it's essential to women. All women want to be viewed as beautiful, inside and out. There are some women who, despite all their outward beauty, have such ugly hearts that their outward appearance doesn't even matter anymore. While there are women who aboslutely radiate beauty because of the beauty in their hearts. They say beauty is skin deep. That's society's idea of beauty, not God's. To God, beauty goes much deeper. Beauty is soul deep.

"Beauty is powerful. It may be the most powerful thing on earth. It is dangerous. Because it matters. Let us try and explain why.

"[B]eauty speaks.....beauty says, All shall be well. And this is what it's like to be with a woman at rest, a woman comfortable in her feminine beauty. She is enjoyable to be with. She is lovely. In her presence your heart stops holding it's breath. You relax and believe once again that all will be well. And this is also why a woman who is striving is so disturbing, for a woman who is not at rest in her heart says to the world, 'All is not well. Things are not going to turn out all right.'...We need what Beauty speaks. What it says is hard to put into words. But part of its message is that all is well. All will be well.

Which woman do you find yourself to be most often? Are you at rest? What is your beauty speaking to those around you?

"Beauty also invites. Recall what it is like to hear a truly beautiful piece of music. It captures you; you want to sit down and just drink it in....(This is not visual, showing us that beauty is deeper than looks.)Music like this commands your attention, invites you to come more deeply into it....We describe a great book as 'captivating.' It draws you in, holds your attention. You can't wait to get back to it, spend time with it. All of the responses that God wants of us. All of the responses a woman wants too. Beauty invites.

I know that I want to be that woman that someone can't wait to get back to, can't wait to spend time with. I also want to respond to God this way. I've learned that the more time I take in being intentional about pursuing God, the greater the desire to go back to Him. The greater the desire to spend time with Him, where I can't wait for that time to come in my day where I get to just sit at His feet, soaking in His love and His truth through His Word.

"Beauty nourishes....a woman's body is one of the most beautiful of all God's creations....It nourishes, offers life.

"Beauty comforts.There is something profoundly healing about it. Have you ever wondered why we send flowers to the bereaved? In the midst of their suffering and loss, only a gift of beauty says enough, or says it right....Beauty comforts. It soothes the soul.

"Beauty inspires....[A]s Jack Nicholson says to Helen Hunt at the end of As Good As It Gets, 'You make me want to be a better man.' Isn't it true? Think of what it might have been like to have been in the presence of a woman like Mother Teresa. Her life was so beautiful, and it called us to something higher....Beauty inspires.

"Beauty is transcendent.....Beauty draws us to God....All these things are true for any experience of Beauty. But they are especially true when we experience the beauty of a woman--her eyes, her form, her voice, her heart, her spirit, her life. She speaks all of this far more profoundly than anything else in all creation, because she is incarnate; she is personal." (pp.37-40)

While flowers, mountains and oceans may be scenic and beautiful, nothing speaks of beauty the way a woman does. When you encounter the beauty of a woman, all else fades into the background. Such as it is with God. When you experience Him, when you experience His beauty, everything else is dim in comparison. Nothing else matters.

"Beauty is, without question, the most essential and the most misunderstood of all of God's qualities--of all feminine qualities too....A woman knows, down in her soul, that she longs to bring beauty to the world. She might be mistaken on how (something every woman struggles with), but she longs for a beauty to unveil. This is not just culture, or the need to 'get a man.' This is in her heart, part of her design." (pp. 40-41)

Show me a woman who doesn't desire to be beautiful, to even hear that she is beautiful, and I'll show you a woman so hurt by this world that she's lying to herself as much as to others.

"One of the deepest ways a woman bears the image of God is in her mystery. By 'mystery' we don't mean 'forever beyond our knowing,' but 'something to be explored.' (Prov. 25:2)....God yearns to be known. But he wants to be sought after by those who would know him....(Jer.29:13). There is dignity here; God does not throw himself at any passerby. He is no harlot. If you would know him you must love him; you must seek him with your whole heart. This is crucial to any woman's soul, not to mention her sexuality. 'You cannot simply have me. You must seek me, pursue me. I won't let you in unless I know you love me.'" (pg. 41)

And yet, how often do we women ignore that desire to be sought after and simply throw ourselves at men in our lives? We recklessly give our hearts to those who would show interest in us, instead of guarding it until they prove to be truly worthy of being let in. Not to say that men aren't worthy, but not all men should be granted access to the deepest recesses of our hearts. That ought to be reserved for God first, and only then to the man who would pursue it for honorable, pure, and loving reasons. The same goes for our bodies.

"Just like God, a woman is not a problem to be solved, but a vast wonder to be enjoyed. This is so true of her sexuality. Few women can or even want to 'just do it.' Foreplay is crucial to her heart, the whispering and loving and exploring of one another that culminates in intercourse. That is a picture of what it means to love her soul. She yearns to be known and that takes time and intimacy. It requires an unveiling. As she is sought after, she reveals more of her beauty. As she unveils her beauty, she draws us to know her more deeply." (pp 41-42)

"Whatever else it means to be feminine, it is depth and mystery and complexity, with beauty as its very essence. Now, lest despair set in, let us say as clearly as we can:

Every woman has a beauty to unveil.
Every woman.

Because she bears the image of God. She doesn't have to conjure it, go get it from a salon, have plastic surgery or breast implants. No, beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation." (pg. 42)

Do you women hear that? You don't have to go "get" beauty, it's been give you already. God gave you beauty the day you were created! Every woman!

"...it is God who longs for Romance; it is God who longs to be our ezer; it is God who reveals beauty as essential to life. You are the image bearer of this God. That is why you long for those things too. There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs." (pg. 42)

The desire for romance, to be beautiful, is not silly, nor wrong. It's built in to who you are and whose image you represent! You are beautiful, and you are desperately needed!

*The following was originally in here earlier, but I didn't feel it fit quite as well with where I was going. So, I've sort of added it as a side note. A little lesson for us all.

"...Adam is captured best in motion, doing something. His essence is strength in action. That is what he speaks to the world. He bears the image of God, who is a warrior. On behalf of God, Adam says, 'God will come through. God is on the move.' That is why a passive man is so disturbing. His passivity defies his very essence. It violates the way he bears God's image. A passive man says, 'God will not come through. He is not acting on your behalf.'" (pp. 36-37)

It's sad, really, that we are seeing a greater amount of passivity in men these days. Society and culture, even Christian culture at times, do not encourage men to be warriors. Their strength is being sapped away by the need for women to be more than they were created to be. This is not to say that women can't be strong, or warriors in their own right, but when it comes at the cost of emasculating our men, something's not right.

Overwhelmed

I was sitting in a leader's training meeting after the church service on Sunday, and as I sat there, I was overwhelmed with the desire to cry. I can't fully explain it. I think it might've been a conglomeration of things that occurred that day. I'd been feeling pretty anxious about my financial situation, which was grim to say the least, and with my parents' 30th anniversary coming up, I was desperately wanting to do something. However, my circumstances weren't even going to allow me to go down to their place to visit, much less contribute to a gift, or dinner or something. Then, I was told that some support had come in to the church for me. My heart did a happy dance, because now I'd be able to do something, even if it wasn't much.

After the service, I was working on trying to get the sermon recording cleaned up and ready to put on the website. At the same time, trying to answer questions for multiple people, including those who wanted copies of the sermon, and previous sermons as well. I finally got all that taken care of just as this leader's meeting was getting ready to start. I hadn't really eaten lunch, but instead, ate one of those chocolate chocolate chip muffins from Costco that I'd brought with me. Healthy, I know.

So, I'm sitting next to the pastor's wife, while her husband was chilling on the floor, keeping an eye on their son. It was when the pastor moved up to the chair to sit next to his wife, and put his arm around her, that I became so overwhelmed with the desire to start crying.

I was overcome with thankfulness for how God had provided for me, but along with that was this deep sense of longing and desire for that which I'm still waiting on Him to provide. A husband. The sermon that morning had been on brokenness. I definitely feel broken, in multiple areas of my life. Finances and relationships being two of them. I learned a lot about what it means to be broken, and how I ought to handle these times of my life.

Waiting in anticipation of what God will teach me next.

More Thoughts on Oswald

From My Utmost For His Highest Feb. 22

"Be still, and know that I am God..." (Psalm 46:10)

"Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling. Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for -- love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men -- will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.

"If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, 'because you have kept My command to persevere...' (Revelation 3:10).

"Continue to persevere spiritually."

When I first wrote thoughts on this, it was the issue of our hopes and dreams that I wrote about. Honestly, when I first read it, that wasn't what stuck out to me, but at the time I began writing, it was as if there was something else I needed to say. Anway, originally, it was the concept of perseverance that originally caught my attention, since it is the main topic. I believe God's taught me a lot about perseverance, especially during the 3 years I raised support. Of course, He also taught me a lot about endurance. The two do seem to go hand in hand.

However, as Oswald describes perseverance, I smack my head. "I could've had a V-8!" Kidding. Anyway, all of a sudden, things make a little more sense. I've always had this sense of exactly what he says perseverance isn't. I always thought of it as hanging on by the skin of my teeth, barely getting through, but getting through. There's a much stronger element of faith involved in persevering. Faith that God will win, will come through, and in such amazing ways as we could ever hope. Faith that, despite moments, or even years, of silence, God will answer, and speak to us. As we are obedient to Him, to the truths we believe, to the path we're called to (even when it feels like it goes on without change), He is continuing to work through us and in us. Persevering is continuing to pursue Him and His will, even when it seems like there are no answers, because we hold on to faith in His abilities, power, strength, and love.